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Avin a larf

Started by windy miller, April 27, 2012, 11:59:56 AM

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the trainbasher

#315
May 14, 2014, 08:10:40 PM
@Matt no, it's if we stay in the eu (not that I'm saying that I'm not a good European...)


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

nitromatt1

#316
May 14, 2014, 08:16:08 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on May 14, 2014, 08:10:40 PM
@Matt no, it's if we stay in the eu (not that I'm saying that I'm not a good European...)

Yes, that's what I said :p

the trainbasher

#317
May 14, 2014, 08:57:29 PM
@Matt sorry...I should have gone to specsavers*

* - other opticians are avaliable


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

Trident 4609

#318
May 14, 2014, 10:17:48 PM Last Edit: May 14, 2014, 10:20:07 PM by Nathan
A priest, a rabbi and a Vicar walk into a bar....  The barman says "Is this some kind of a joke?"



A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm, he says to the barman "A pint please.... and one for the road!)



I slept like a log last night...... Woke up in a fireplace!

windy miller

#319
May 22, 2014, 12:51:41 AM
When I was on jury service recently, the judge asked a young offender.."Do you have anything to say?... F**K All!...said the guy.    Evidently a little hard of hearing the judge turned to the clerk and asked.. "What did he say??.....  He said F**K All M'lud...."Strange, said the judge, I could have sworn he said something...... :) :) :) :) :)lol
Mind the Gap.....?:-)

the trainbasher

#320
May 22, 2014, 12:58:47 PM Last Edit: May 22, 2014, 01:07:26 PM by the trainbasher
France has revealed its Secret Service contemplated assassinating Abu Hamza in prison.

The plan was to sneak up on him and rub some itching powder near his jugular.



Good news for Abu Hamza. His prison are putting on Peter Pan for this year's Christmas panto.



Abu Hamza has been found guilty of terror charges in New York.

But things aren't all that bad. He never has a problem opening a Capri Sun.


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

the trainbasher

#321
May 22, 2014, 01:15:03 PM Last Edit: May 27, 2014, 07:27:59 AM by the trainbasher
I treat the european elections a bit like the Eurovision Song Contest.

So I always vote for the weird looking ugly no-hoper who can't string two words together.

Ed Miliband it is then.



UKIP leader Nigel Farage has predicted "an earthquake" in politics if his party wins the european elections.

I thought the official UKIP stance was that earthquakes are caused by gay marriage.



On the back of Nick Clegg using the term 'Alarm Clock' Britain to describe regular, every day people, the Government has announced they will release a limited edition 'Nick Clegg Alarm Clock'. In fact, I have one here, it's pretty shit actually. Like Nick Clegg, as soon as it gets to Number 10, it just doesn't give a **** anymore.



Another easy choice for me on Election Day.

Our polling station is next door to a pub.


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

the trainbasher

#322
May 27, 2014, 07:25:47 AM
How do you make an Eton mess?

Put Nick Clegg in charge of the Lib Dems.


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

the trainbasher

#323
May 27, 2014, 07:26:20 AM
Who says honesty in politics doesn't pay off?

UKIP's European Election candidates stated they would do absolutely nothing for their £78,000 salary...

Got 23 MEP's!


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

the trainbasher

#324
May 27, 2014, 07:27:31 AM
David Cameron has said that offensive remarks made by UKIP candidates and financial backers should be 'condemned',

unless the Tories are forced to form a coalition with them next year in which case he said 'commendable'.


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

the trainbasher

#325
May 27, 2014, 07:29:17 AM
Barack and Michelle were at the White Sox spring training game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. A Secret Service agent leans forward and says something to the President. Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.

He then says "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!" So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."

Then he grabs Michelle by the collar and seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She kicks, screams and swears. The crowd goes wild - cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack bows and smiles, and leans over to the agent and says "Man you were right!"

Noticing the agent had gone totally pale, Barack asked what was wrong. He replies "Sir, I said, they wanted you to throw the first PITCH!"


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

the trainbasher

#326
May 28, 2014, 07:20:34 PM
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a bridge......'Really? What's come over you?'.......'2 cars and a bus.


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

the trainbasher

#327
May 28, 2014, 07:22:38 PM
There was this bloke who had a light bulb that just would not work. There was nothing wrong with it – it just wouldn't light up. Then he had a brainwave and asked a German man to hold it for him. It still didn't work, so he asked more Germans to link up with the one holding the bulb. Then the bulb lit up. Many Hans make light work.


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

the trainbasher

#328
May 28, 2014, 07:23:26 PM
Officer Paddy is on his patrol through town when he sees a regular drunk walking around and he has a Penguin with him. The officer goes over to him and asks "Paddy, where did you get that Penguin?". "I found him" Paddy replies. "Well take him to the Zoo would you" says Murphy. "That's a brilliant idea Murphy" says Paddy, "I'll do that, that's brilliant" and heads off towards the Zoo. The next day Officer Murphy is on his patrol and he sees Paddy again, and he still has the Penguin with him. "Paddy" he calls "didn't you take that Penguin to the Zoo?". "Yes I did" says Paddy, "and he loved it, and today we 're going to the cinema".


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.

the trainbasher

#329
May 28, 2014, 07:26:03 PM
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."


All opinions and onions mentioned on here are mine and not those of any employer, current, past, present or future, or presented as fact, unless I prove it otherwise.
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