Avin a larf

[Liverpool Street]

i thought it was a seaside tragedy when i read the headline "YOUNG BOY TOSSED OFF CLIFF"

Just goes to show, you never know what dangers are lurking in the shadows.

HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! I'm howling here!!

So much f*cking win!! Love it!!

[Liverpool Street]

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

[Stuharris 6360]

whats the difference between Mark Knopfler & Cliff Richard????

Ones in Dire Straits, the others in deep shit!

[the trainbasher]

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2014 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Ukraine and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

[the trainbasher]

Baked Alaska Serving Suggestion

http://t.co/jYmaEwJFjp

[windy miller]

On my visit to the state mental hospital near Carstairs a few years ago (on Business) :) I asked one of the directors what criteria they use to assess potential patients. He said "we fill a bathtub with water and ask the patient to empty it. We offer him/her the option of a tea spoon, a cup, or a bucket.  Oh!..I said., I understand, A normal person would choose the bucket as it holds more water?... No.. he said,  Any normal person would pull the F' ng plug out...... Would you like a bed by the window? :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :)

[the trainbasher]

Two guys from Edinburgh die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoods warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"
They reply, "'Well, we're from Edinburgh, pal, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out".
The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoods. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again they reply, "Well, like we told you, we're from Edinburgh and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little."
This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Jocks in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Scots reply, "As we've already said, we don't get much warm weather in Edinburgh. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."
The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Haggis-bashers back in their anoraks and hoods - but now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!
The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Scotsmen look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Heart of Midlothian have won the Scottish Premiership!"

[windy miller]

A  well known UK snack is now available in North Korea as a vegetarian option..... its called Not Poodle.... :o :) :)

[Trident 4609]

A  well known UK snack is now available in North Korea as a vegetarian option..... its called Not Poodle.... :o :) :)

Ha Ha ;D that made me chuckle ;)

[uniquicity]

A  well known UK snack is now available in North Korea as a vegetarian option..... its called Not Poodle.... :o :) :)

Ha Ha ;D that made me chuckle ;)

[windy miller]

A  well known UK snack is now available in North Korea as a vegetarian option..... its called Not Poodle.... :o :) :)

Ha Ha ;D that made me chuckle ;)

That programme was one of many I missed that year due to my contract hire agreements. damn funny though... I think the only one they missed was  a smaller version designed for toddlers...  TOT noodle?... The North Koreans often adopt some (english) words... e.g.. The word "PerPETu ATE"...  an extra charge on the menu instead of VAT I believe.?.. :) :)

[Stuharris 6360]

Police have searched Cliff Richards house, so far they have found a living doll, a batchelor boy, and a devil woman, so far they have been unable to speak to Cliff as he is currently on his summer holiday. They have also verified that Carrie doesn't live there anymore.

[Alex]

Here's one, back on the 60's, when aircraft were still crates with wings, it was decided to test the new glass structure with a cannon. However, this cannon didn't fire cqnnonballs, instead it fires poultry. So one day,on the first when it was fired, it took the pilot dummys head off, and continued straight through the aircraft and hanger, into an F-102 prototype, bouncing off the titanium framing on the windscreen. The chief came out to see what all the fuss is about and sees four chicken sized holes. All he says is "who forgot to defrost the turkey?"

[the trainbasher]

Avin a larf??

Travelcards in London dated 14.9.14 not valid at 0001 14.9.14

[the trainbasher]

I think it depends what TIME your travelcard is valid from on the DAY..I may be wrong but I'm sure the 'early' travelcard/pass starts at 4am and is valid to 09.30am.? :-\

I'll tell you one thing @windy miller...if I was in charge I'd make it so a day travelcard is valid for the day it's intended for (feel a phone call to the daily mail ;-) )