Avin a larf

[windy miller]

Two Nuns were driving back to their Convent one night in Transylvania when a menacing Vampire appeared from nowhere and jumped on the bonnet. Fortunately, Sister Ruth knew what to do...."Quick sister Mary!..she said.."Show him your CROSS......Sister Mary opened the window and said "Oi!..I shan't tell you again.. Get off our ****in Car! :o :o :) :)

[Trident 4609]

The three rings of marriage:

The engagement ring
The wedding ring

And the suffering

[the trainbasher]

What is the most common form of owl on owl violence?

Drive-by hootings.



While driving yesterday, I saw a banana skin in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it.

Thanks, Mario Kart.



Statistically, you are more likely to be bitten by Luis Suarez than a shark



Just downloaded a video of Luis Suárez's greatest moments.

It was only 3 mega bites.



England are to have a new captain next week.

His name is Roger Smith and he's the pilot for the flight home.



I've just stocked my fridge with beers for the World Cup, customised for each match.

I've got Grolsch for when Holland are playing, because it's Dutch; Beck's for when Germany are playing, because it's German; and Carling for when England are playing, because it's shit.

[windy miller]

When I heard rolf harris did "three little boys" in the 70's I thought it was a song... :o :o :)

[Liverpool Street]

When I heard rolf harris did "three little boys" in the 70's I thought it was a song... :o :o :)

Hahaha. Great stuff.


---


How do you  tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a  Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish  police officer?

QUESTION: You're on  duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are,
and your Sergeant  hates you) walking on a deserted street late at 
night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife  comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,  raises the knife and lunges
at you.

You are  carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. 
However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. 
What do you do ?
ANSWER:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider  the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or  oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does  not yet understand
the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a  ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that  would inspire him to
attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively  ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing  my truncheon and knock the knife out of
his hand ?

8)  Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind  of message
does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely  want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

           11)  If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to
                   stab  and kill me ?]

           12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns  and runs away, do I get
                        blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and  kills himself?

           13) If I hurt him and lose  the subsequent court case, does he have
                          the opportunity to sue me,  cost me my job, my credibility and the loss
                         of my family home?
Canadian Police Officer:

BANG  !
American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG! BANG!  BANG  !'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG! BANG ! BANG  !

Glasgow Police Officer:"Haw,  Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse.

[Tony]

Three larger ladies sat at a beschside bar. Man walks up and says 'are you three young ladies from Scotland' one of the replies 'I think you mean Wales'  Man replies ' Sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?'

[Trident 4609]

Rolf Harris was Australian Under 18 backstroke champion in the 1940's

By the 70's he had moved onto the U-14 breaststroke....



What stage of painting does Rolf Harris enjoy the most?

The touching up

[Stuharris 6360]

Next weeks Animal Hospital where Rolf Harris explains how to handle a young beaver has apparently been cancelled

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Picture the cell door closing and Rolf Harris collapses on the floor in tears.

Suddenly a voice from the bunk above bursts into song "Did you think i would leave you crying , when there room on my bunk for two".

[windy miller]

 Our youngest daughter came home from school and told her mother that all the boys like to see her doing cartwheels in the playground.   My Mrs told her that the boys just want to see her knickers!!... She said " I know mummy!.. Thats why I always put them in my bag at playtime.. :o :o :)

[the trainbasher]

A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this advice religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 8 children, 18 grandchildren, 32 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

[windy miller]

M/t

[the trainbasher]

A guy always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. He scrimped and saved, finally going to the dealer to plop down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dogs bollox, dream mobile. After settling with the dealer, he drives off in his new car.
Later, deciding he wants some music, he searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel on a 747. He fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up, having failed to find the radio. Furious, he races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman, telling him they forgot to install the radio. The salesman assures him it's right there in front of him, hooked into the onboard computer. "It's voice controlled. All you have to do is tell it what you want". He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. "Click". The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and "click", a B. B. King classic plays. The guy drives off amazed. "Country", he says, and "click", a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Punk." "Click". The Sex Pistols belt out "God Save the Queen". He's so captivated by this new toy that he isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver pulls out from a side street and cuts him up. "PILLOCK!!!" he screams. "Click". "Good morning, everyone. This is Radio Two and you're listening to Chris Evans."

[domino.99]

A mate of mine moved down here from Scotland and I told him that there is a bus company called banga buses, after his first ride he said that it wasn't what he first expected.

[Ben]

"PILLOCK!!!" he screams. "Click". "Good morning, everyone. This is Radio Two and you're listening to Chris Evans."

this made me giggle, despite the fact that I tune in to Chris Evans, if he is actually ON ;)

[Stuharris 6360]

i thought it was a seaside tragedy when i read the headline "YOUNG BOY TOSSED OFF CLIFF"

Just goes to show, you never know what dangers are lurking in the shadows.