Avin a larf

[The Real 4778]

What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid £200 to have a lentil on my face.

Legend!

[the trainbasher]

How many Civil Enforcement Officers does it take to change a lightbulb.

3 - 1 to change it and 2 to issue it a parking ticket! :-)

[horsencart]

Five I would have thought,   number four to take a photograph  of the bulb,   and  number five to  look after the scooters

How many Civil Enforcement Officers does it take to change a lightbulb.

3 - 1 to change it and 2 to issue it a parking ticket! :-)

[the trainbasher]

A banker, a Daily Mail reader and an unemployed man are sitting around a table. On the table is a plate with ten biscuits on it. The banker takes nine of the biscuits and says to the Daily Mail reader "Watch out for that scrounger, he's after your biscuit."

[the trainbasher]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar"

[the trainbasher]

There was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make-over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.

'That's a nice flock of sheep.' She said.

'Well thank you.' Said the herder.

'Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.' said the woman.

'Okay.' Replied the herder.

'If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?' Asked the woman.

'Sure.' Said the sheep herder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied '382'.

'Wow.' Said the herder. 'That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.'

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said 'Okay, now I have a proposition for you'.

'What is it?' Queried the woman.

'If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?'

[Liverpool Street]

Trainbasher, excellent jokes! Had me chuckling!

[Trident 4609]

What do you call someone without a body or a nose?  Nobody knows ;)

A lesbian couple I know can't afford the double headed dildo they want.... They're struggling to make ends meet :o ;D

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was Soda Pressing

Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer?  Turns out he had Locomotives!  :D :D :D

What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his arse!

Which Concert costs 45 Cents?  50 Cent plus Nickelback ::) ;) ;)

So I asked my North Korean friend how life was going,  He replied "Can't Complain"

And the last one

Have you seen Stevie Wonders Kids?  Well Neither has he.....

[Ashley]

Paddy is painting his lounge. His wife walks in and can't believe how well he's doing, but the sweat is dripping off him. She says "Why are you wearing a Parker and a leather jacket?"

Paddy says "HELLOOO! Read the f****ng tin. It says for best results, put two coats on"

[Trident 4609]

After weeks of searching for missing Malaysian Plane MH370 they have now found the Wings,  All they have to do now is find the Wongs........

[Ashley]

I've just been sacked from my bingo calling job. Apparently "a meal for two and a room with a view" isn't a good description of number 69

[Trident 4609]

I don't really bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off 33/1 at Aintree and ended up 2 for 1 at Tesco :o


Also I guess Bob Geldof really doesn't like Mondays now.....

[Mike K]

Did you hear about the man who got his Viagra and his sleeping pills mixed up?

He went to bed for forty w*nks.

[Trident 4609]

My wife went on a girls night out recently, the invitation said "Dress to kill" so she went as Rose West......

[Steve6544]

My beloveled women went to an dance night out and the judge said that was the best but he whispered to another judge and said the one act to kill before she comes in for a wrecking ball😉