Avin a larf

[Trident 4609]

Two cannibals eat a clown. One says to the the other "Does this taste funny to you!" ;)

[the trainbasher]

If Justin Bieber does go to jail...

That'll be the first piece of **** those prisoners have seen for years.

So France's first lady has "extreme fatigue" after learning of her husband's affair.

I don't know why she's tired.

He's the one juggling two women.

How quickly things change in politics ...

Yesterday, Scotland First Minister Alex Salmond was accused of wasting taxpayers' money by staying in a hotel frequented by stars including Justin Bieber.

Today, he is being accused of lowering the tone of his office by staying in a hotel frequented by junkies and criminals including Justin Bieber.

"Victoria Line closes as control room is flooded with concrete".

This situation is gonna get a lot harder.

[the trainbasher]

Read a sign earlier on my way home that said 'Road works ahead'

Fucking Liars, I've never seen such a broken road.

I was speaking to my son today about being a fully licensed driver.

"Now I know you're dead chuffed that you've passed your test and you can drive on your own now, but you still have to be just as alert and cautious behind the wheel as you were before. There are so many arseholes on the road these days that make things very dangerous for everyone."

"I know Dad." he said, "But how will I be able to tell whether someone's an arsehole or not when I'm driving?"

"Well son, the immediate tell tale signs would probably be the skin-tight lycra shorts and the helmet."

When I was a boy my mum used to tell me off for playing on my old games console too much.

She'd say, "What are you going to do when you grow up?"

I'd say, "What do you mean?"

Nodding towards the joystick, she'd say, "Well, do you think anyone will pay you loads of money for sitting around all day, pulling a stick, pushing a button and doing a little bit of work whenever you feel like it?"

Anyway, now I'm a Tube driver.

I phoned my friend in India to see how he was. He answered and said, "Can I call you back later, I'm on a train."

"What are you doing on a train?" I asked.

He said, "Holding on with one hand trying not to fall off."

[the trainbasher]

Ronnie Biggs has died, aged 84.

This leaves National Rail as the last remaining Great Train Robber, with cheese sandwiches for £4.50

I stabbed and battered a traffic warden to death who was wrongly trying to put a ticket on my car. The judge said it was a truly horrendous act and could not understand how such an evil person is allowed to walk the streets, before releasing me with an apology.

Been giving cards out to cyclists today to save their lives.

Oyster cards.

A new film called "Holy Shit", based on the savage Beeching cuts to the British Rail Network in the 1960's, has not been well received at the box office. Poor direction, badly researched and way over budget, hardly anybody has shown any interest in it.

Undeterred however, the directors are working on a sequel to bring the film up to the present day and beyond - it will be called "HS2".

[windy miller]

M/t

[the trainbasher]

Apparently Kim Jong Un has executed all the immediate relatives of his uncle,

I wonder what its like to have a government that's seen to get things done.



On the night of Justin Biebers arrest, residents in Miami said they were woken by a horrible screeching noise.

Then he stopped singing, got in a car and drove off.



The North Koreans can never do anything right.

Just gotta see what a dog's dinner they make of their executions.



I ran out of petrol today and managed to push it to the garage.

Thankfully, I had £20 on me which got me to pump no 7.



I went to a bookshop and asked, "How much does this book about inflation cost?"

"£10" Replied the assistant.

I said, "Great, I'll take it."

"That'll be £20 please."



I think this crisis is terrible. It's even affecting common sayings now.

Anyway, that's just my twenty million euros' worth.

[the trainbasher]

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an
eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"

[Trident 4609]

Korean Meatballs...They're the dogs bollocks 8) (That jokes in Bad Taste ;D)

I hear Manchester City have signed some Autistic players....All they can do is draw ;)

Why did Princess Diana cross the Road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt :-\

[Ashley]

Saw an ad in the paper yesterday that said

"WANTED - 7.5 tonne HGV driver"

I thought "Dammit I'm only 15 stone"

[Trident 4609]

I walked into a Tesco Express the other day and I asked the lady behind the counter for a KitKat Chunky, So she gave me the KitKat Chunky and turned round and said...No I wanted a normal kitkat you fat b**ch

[Trident 4609]

The price of Velcro nowadays is a rip-off ;)

What's the difference between a librarian and Diarrea? Ones a Shushing Git and the others a gushing s*** ;D

[Rob H]

I heard Birmingham City had signed 2 chinese players in the transfer window.. Wei wun wunce
and ay wun since :)

Be Careful ;)

[Ashley]

Why is the crime rate in Egypt so high?

It's full of tomb raiders

[windy miller]

 Ashley ,We had two Egyptian car workers at Longbridge- they worked the 2pm to 10pm shift. We called them the 2-10 karmen ;) :)

[the trainbasher]

I wish people would stop correcting my spelling and grammar.

Im [sic] of it.



My wife has cat-like reflexes.

Every time I try and touch her, she hisses and tries to scratch my eyes out.



It's reported that 1 in 3 Russian men is an alcoholic.

Lightweights.



The Jonathon Ross Show ends at 10.35pm, but don't worry, the comedy continues on BBC One as Stoke v Man Utd is first on Match of the Day!



I just bought some deodorant from Lidl.

I now smell like I should be on the Jeremy Kyle show.



Knock Knock.

"Who's there?"

"Jehovah's Witnesses."

"Thank fuck for that, I thought it was my mother-in-law."