Avin a larf

[the trainbasher]

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.


I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.



My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.



The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.



I don't bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off at 33/1 at Aintree, and ended up at 2 for 1 at Tesco.

[Trident 4609]

My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.


I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.



My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.





The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.




I don't bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off at 33/1 at Aintree, and ended up at 2 for 1 at Tesco.

I already posted the bottom joke on Page 33 (Last post on P33) ;)

[windy miller]

My wife went on a girls night out recently, the invitation said "Dress to kill" so she went as Rose West......

Her son was in a maths lesson and he was asked how many feet were there in the yard?  He replied... They found 11 so far, but the police are still digging... :) :)

[Trident 4609]

My wife went on a girls night out recently, the invitation said "Dress to kill" so she went as Rose West......

Her son was in a maths lesson and he was asked how many feet were there in the yard?  He replied... They found 11 so far, but the police are still digging... :) :)

I guess she left her husband Fred as she was sick of having the kids underneath her feet all the while ;)

[Steve6544]

When on holiday 2 weeks ago I used a raido and thus person started about curries and he said what do you. Want I sad robs josh and he said ok and I said have sweet and sour and he said no and then I said were talking ten bells 😗😉😉

[Stu]

When on holiday 2 weeks ago I used a raido and thus person started about curries and he said what do you. Want I sad robs josh and he said ok and I said have sweet and sour and he said no and then I said were talking ten bells 😗😉😉

Huh?  :o

[Trident 4609]

When on holiday 2 weeks ago I used a raido and thus person started about curries and he said what do you. Want I sad robs josh and he said ok and I said have sweet and sour and he said no and then I said were talking ten bells 😗😉😉

Huh?  :o

Don't have the foggiest of ideas what he is talking about!

Anyway i met a Cross Dresser from Lancashire the other day.....  He had a Wigan Address (Wig and a dress) ;) 

I think that joke is better when it is said out loud than being typed up imo ;)

[Trident 4609]

A bit of a storm after last nights Eurovision....

Ukraine performed brilliantly....  But returned to their green room to find Russia had taken their seats!

[the trainbasher]

I see they put Ukraine on first in the Eurovision Song Contest. Is that in case it stops being a country by the end?

[the trainbasher]

Conchita Wurst winning Eurovision is a victory for oppressed transsexual/transvestite/bearded people everywhere,

or just the best way Europe has of saying fuck off Putin

[the trainbasher]

Post Removed Due To Offensive Content

[the trainbasher]

The UK have decided to up their game for next years Eurovision. The song isn't written yet but to maximise the chances of winning they are inviting early applications from black, blind, lesbian, albino, transgender, paraplegic dwarves. Preference will be given to applicants born in Norfolk.

Very close to being classed as offensive. Be careful writing comments like these in the future.

[the trainbasher]

Found this on the Web

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted un ze forst plas."

[Liverpool Street]

Found this on the Web

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted un ze forst plas."

Hahaha, just what the NWO was after anyway! Excellent!!

[nitromatt1]

Is this what'll happen if we don't leave the EU?