Avin a larf

[Stu]

A pub has been forced to close down, after traces of red rum were found in an optic behind the bar.

[windy miller]

M/T

[windy miller]

I do like a good Ghost story.....after a few drinks too many on a dark, damp, Foggy night in Tipton last November, I'd missed my last bus home....As I began to thumb a lift a small car appeared from nowhere and I jumped in. I was about to say 'thanks' to the driver when I realised (to my Horror).... There was NO driver!... :o.as the car continued I sat frozen in the passenger seat..when the car approached a bend a ghostly 'Hand' appeared and turned the wheel...after 20 mins the car pulled into a garage..as I got out I noticed a bloke at the side of the car..."I wouldn't get in there mate!!!.. I said...There's no driver!!.. he said "I know!..Iv'e been pushing the Ba****d for 3 miles.... :-[ :-[ :-[ :)

[windy miller]

On a golfing break in Ireland last year, a young woman on the first tee appeared to be a complete novice and in danger of damaging the tee, the club, and the ball. for her own safety (and everyone else) I felt I should offer her some advice. No!.. I said,.. grip the club like your boyfriends penis... with a long smooth stroke..She hit a perfect drive..over 100 yards..Brilliant!
I said, well done!. Now take the club out of your mouth and try using your hands.... ::) :) :) :)

[windy miller]

During my time as a Postman I never had a problem with Dogs.. Except on one occasion when I got 'cornered' by a large Great Dane the size of a F...in Elephant!!..as I pondered my next move a woman called out from an upstairs window.."Kick his Balls!!"..she said.."Are you Sure? I replied...Yes!! she said.. Kick his Balls and he'll go away.....I gave him one hell of a toe end from my Doc Marten right in the Jacobs....."Oh Dear!..said the woman, "When I said 'Kick his Balls' I meant the ones on the Lawn!!  :-[ :-[ :-[ :) :)

[windy miller]

As I said to the undertaker at the time, My father would have preferred to be cremated in a Black suit. Unfortunately he only had the blue one when he died. When I took my son to the chapel to pay our last respects,he appeared to be dressed in a Black suit....The mortuary attendant told me they had a gentleman arrive in a Black suit and his wife said he would have preferred to be cremated in a Blue one. It was simple really..We just Swopped Heads.. :o :o :)

[windy miller]

The wife and I were out touring in our SUV one weekend with our young teenage daughter in the back seat when we were stuck behind an old council rubbish vehicle. To our complete suprise a large rubber dildo fell off the back of the wagon and bounced off the windscreen...
Trying to hide our embarassment I said.." Goodness!..did you see the size of that insect???....
Yes! said our daughter, " with a d*ck that size I'm amazed it could fly!"... :-[ :-[ :-[ :)

[windy miller]

The compere at our local labour club announced that for those of us feeling peckish the Burgers had arrived...."They've come on their own....so best put plenty of pepper on " ;)....My Burger meal went through me like a porshe!!...Matched only by my sprint to the bog shortly afterwards where I experienced an unexpected warm sensation when I blew the world out of my rear-end. As I opened my eyes I saw another pair of feet next to mine!.. I turned round to apologise to this guy who I had sat on my mistake..."Sorry Mate!..I said, "I didn't see you there!..."I thought not!..said this guy with a smile on his face..." Thats why I pulled your trousers back up!! 8) :-[ :-[ :) :) :) :) :) :) lol

[windy miller]

 Paddy got drawn into this new religious sect in N. Ireland last month but he never fully understood the focus of their beleif. The group maintain that in order to truly "Find God" you need to have a near-death experience. They took him to a quiet corner of Lough Neagh and pushed his head underwater for 3 minutes. "Did you find God?" they asked ..No! said Paddy.   
When he was pushed under for a third time he very nearly drowned. Again they asked.".Did you find God?...  NO! said paddy... 'Are you sure this was where he fell in?? ;D :) :) :)

[windy miller]

 As the Judge in the Michael Jackson peadophilia trial said to one of the witness's..
'Did you see the defendant holding a child over the balcony?..
Witness:  'No Sir'
Did you see the defendant abducting or molesting any children?
Witness:  'No Sir'
  Judge... 'Thankyou Mr Wonder... Case dismissed!.. :o :) :)

[brummy36]

These are true stories(of a bus nature)-I was there! Whilst working on the Outer Circle 11 in the 1970's when crew operated, we were doing a short working to Selly Oak. Although my conductor (Happy Harry was what we called him because he always ended a conversation with a chuckle) had the destination correctly set, after the umpteenth query of "Did we go to Harborne/The Kings Head etc a passenger asked us if we went to Winson Green. Happy Harry got off the bus, pointed to the destination and said to the man"Selly Oak,Selly Oak, Selly Oak!" The man merely replied "Well it says Kelloggs Corn Flakes on the side-but I bet you don't sell them" Harry chuckled.
When I became an Inspector later in the 1970's, a passenger was very agitated that he couldn't find his ticket. I asked him how much he had paid and he told me. I then asked where he had got on, and he pointed to the entrance of the Fleetline on which we were travelling. I bit my bottom lip and rephrased the question.

[Trident 4609]

Psychic Wanted! You know where to apply ;D

Sorry for the bad joke!

[windy miller]

Thanks trident.. I did apply for the job but the notice on the door said "CLOSED... due to unforeseen circumstances ;) ;)     apparently I should have known they would be closed.....ironicly the guy who actually got the job had stayed at home... ;D

[nitromatt1]

Thanks trident.. I did apply for the job but the notice on the door said "CLOSED... due to unforeseen circumstances ;) ;)

LOL!

Nothing I have to post is funny enough for this thread ;D

[the trainbasher]

I asked for a few hot tips because of the Grand National. I was told not to eat burgers for a few weeks :-)