Avin a larf

[DJ]

West Midlands police have found £12 million worth of drugs   22 ak47 assult rifles  and 300 hand grenades at a home behind the job centre in Tipton
Residents are shocked as they didn't know they had a job centre

I find that hard to believe, most people in Tipton know where the Job Centre is, they have to go there to sign on!  ;D

[windy miller]

 I asked our Vet why so many rabbits sit in the middle of the road when I'm speeding through the countryside at night?....He said " They're collecting car numbers....though most of them only collect the one..... :o :o 

[windy miller]

When me and the Mrs went to our local swimming baths we were told that they now have a chemical in the water that will react if you piss in the pool!...The Men's piss will leave a distinct blue stain to identify you and the women's piss will leave a pink one. When we both had a good piss and did two lengths of the pool we looked like the F'kin Red Arrows.... :o :o :o

[DJ]

I was speaking to a bloke from Yorkshire the other day, who happened to be dyslexic.

He was wearing a cat flap.

[windy miller]

 I asked my local Chinese take away if they can cook Octopus.. He said 'yes we do'... we cook them live as they taste better'... I asked him.. 'how long do they take to cook?...'about 4 hours' he said....   I said 4 hours!!!....why do they take that long?... he said 'as soon as we turn our back the Bastards keep turning the gas off!...... :o :o :o 

[windy miller]

 When I found myself in court recently for a minor traffic offence a local guy was up before me as a serial burglar.  The magistrate asked the guy if he had anything to say before passing sentence ?.....The guy replied "F*ck ALL..... Evidently the magistrate had not heard him and turned to the clerk and asked "What did he say??   The clerk replied  "He said F*ck All!  your honour. To which the magistrate replied.." strange.. I could have sworn he said something... :)

[windy miller]

 When my mate went to the clinic recently the doc told him he had cancer. "how long have I got?. He asked. '10'maybe..... 10! said my mate...10 what? ..months?...weeks? The doctor looked at his watch and said....Nine...eight...seven...I haven't heard from him since... :o

[windy miller]

Had a break at Blackpool illuminations recently.. its a bit pricey these days!.. I didn't do the 'golden mile' as I only had 400 quid on me........ :)

[windy miller]

   I found a cockroach in my hotel room in Blackpool.. I took it to the manager. He looked at it and said.." Its Dead!.... I said I know... 300 of his mates upstairs have come to his funeral! >:( >:(  Won't be stopping there again.

[windy miller]

 Its No good.. I will have to spend more time wiping my Ar*e in future instead of skimping on the bog roll. My Mrs said she'd not seen skid marks like mine since that tunnel in Paris!.(1997)
  >:( >:(

[windy miller]

Supermarkets say they can tell our marital status by looking at our grocery purchases.
When I followed my mate through the checkout the assistant asked." You're single aren't you?. "Yes! said my mate....How can you tell?..Easy!. She said..."You're such an ugly C*nt!! 

Good job I remembered to get tampons for the Mrs! :)

[windy miller]

 So what's the difference between a 10 year old LADA and a Jehovah's witness??
ans... I can SHUT the F'n Door on a Jehovah's witness....Last time I buy a foreign motor! >:(

[karl724223]

I woke up laughing this morning
I must have slept funny

[windy miller]

 £200 can be the difference between survival and abject poverty, It can also be the difference between abject poverty and a new PlayStation PS4...your choice. :)

[windy miller]

      As I am now entitled to a free flu jab every winter, I made an appointment with the male nurse at my local clinic before Christmas. He rolled up my shirt sleeve and told me I would feel a little prick. He then pulled up his trousers and told me to F**k off. His case is being heard next Thursday.....  :)