Avin a larf

[windy miller]

  following his release from prison the entertainer Rolf Harris has been able to curb his
  addiction to alcohol...according to one national newspaper he is now down to two tots a week....
      :o :o :-\

[windy miller]

  after claiming 40 years 'Back' pay and a 'lump' sum ....Quasimodo was followed by a group of
   schoolchildren..... Quasi then turned to them and said..." Look!..for the last time...I haven't
    got your F**king Ball ......... :)

[windy miller]

   Our Local Irish club had a Mystery coach tour recently...everyone paid a £1 to guess the destination.......The driver won £50.............. :)

[windy miller]

When an elderly tramp came knocking on my back door I asked him what he wanted. "do you have any cake?..he asked..."cake?..I replied ..No! you scrounging bastard....F**k off! ."I'm an old war veteran". he said.     Really?."were you at the Front ? I asked. "Yes"..he said....but I couldn't get an answer. >:( >:(

[windy miller]

   After a lifetime of total celibacy a clergyman finally succumbed to the temptation of the flesh
   and sought the services of a local prostitute. After an agreed price the pair returned to her house.
   As they lay on the bed the clergyman began to pray. When The woman asked for an explanation
   He  replied .." I'm praying for guidance".... No problem! she said.".Just pray for stiffness and I
   will give you all the guidance you need.......  :) :)
     

[windy miller]

 North Korea has a type of VAT applicable to restaurants .... Its called PerpetUate :)

[windy miller]

 Many moons ago the concept of PC was almost non existent. In the 50's and 60's Irish themed
Humour ,Stories and anecdotes were not uncommon in clubland.
   ...Paddy was given a two-piece Jig saw for his birthday but he couldn't make it as there was no
     picture on the box........ :)
   
      Mick and Paddy were attending an employment interview. The employer asked them to show
     their testimonials.  After the interview Mick said.."Y'know paddy... If you'd had a better Education
     we might have got that job!!. :)
 

[windy miller]

After Micks employment interview Paddy asked him for advice. "What do I need to know? asked
Paddy...No problem! said mick.."Just give him your name and recite your Two times Table.
  Table?..said Paddy.."Whats that?... Easy! said Mick, and began to sing the Two times table...♫♫
  One times two is two..♪♪ two times two is four♪♪ three times two is Six ♫♫...etc.
  During his interview,(as expected), Paddy was asked to recite the table and began
  to sing ....♫ MM mm Mm Mm, Mm mm-mm ♫ Mmmmm is ♪MM Mmm is MM..♫.♫ " "Whats that??
  asked the employer...."Arh" said Paddy, oi remembered the Tune... I forgot the words... :'(

[windy miller]

  When I finally got shut of my first Mrs I told everyone I couldn't get over her... :'( :'( ..  I had to
  get up and walk round!!...Fat Git.... >:(

[windy miller]

  A young African boy asks his mother..." Why is my skin so dark mummy?..."because of the heat of
  the sun all day! said his mother.. The boy then asked.." Why do I have long legs mummy??. "so
  you can run from all the animals!" said his mother. The boy then asked." Why do I have big bright
  eyes?.. "Its so you can see in the dark..replied his mother.  The boy thought for a minute and said
   ." Mum..... Why are we living in Balsall Heath??? :) :)

[windy miller]

 
I have never been a gambler but I found myself watching the late night show Jackpot 247 on ITV
recently hosted by a delightfully tall blonde, (Helen Scott) with legs way up the M1. On the subject of Indian curries she was asking for feedback. I sent an E mail suggesting she might like to try a Chicken TARKA ?. ..its similar to a TICKA but a little OTTER *   Sadly the studio link between the desk and the presenter was unable to differentiate between the words ' Otter' and 'Hotter'  and the joke sailed  over everyones head no doubt heading for North Korea to become a 'set meal for two'  :o


* A reference to the film TARKA the OTTER  dated c 1978

[windy miller]

 There is/was a guy from south Warwickshire? whose sole hobby was to catalogue a photographic record of all British Road Traffic Islands.  When asking the question.."what does your wife think?..
the enquirer had obviously not thought it through.... :)   Although the hobby is only slightly less
interesting than my own personal Entomological collection of Moths ,fleas, Flies and other airborne insects , all of which can be viewed at any reasonable time C/o your local APNR camera.... :) :) 

[windy miller]

 Its Patrick's 18th Birthday and he has booked a One way flight from southern Ireland to Heathrow.
  While seated in the departure lounge he befriends an elderly woman. " Hello..I'm Patrick ..and where might you be going today?  " Hello..I'm Mrs Dunne and I'm off to see my sister in Belfast..Where are you going? she asked. " Im off to start a new life in London! said Patrick.   I must tell you that My son went to London 3 years ago and I haven't had a letter ,a birthday or Christmas card from him since. " Thats terrible! said Patrick... "Whats his name and where does he Live?. " His name is 'Neeley' and
The only address I have is London WC2.said the woman.. Patrick offers to try and find him.
  On his arrival at Heathrow terminal he answers a call of nature where he spies two cubicles ,  one marked WC1 and the other marked WC2. " WC2! thought Patrick, Thats where this guy lives!..and gave the door a firm Knock. " What do you want? came the reply." Are you Neeley Dunne? asks Patrick, "Yes..but I don't have any paper!..replied the occupant..."Argh! said Patrick in his broad Irish accent....Thahts no Exchuse for Noht wroitin to Ur Mother!... :) :) :) :)

[windy miller]

This is a true story better understood by our older age group....
Almost thirty years ago in 1989 my (then) American partner and I were enjoying a late summer tour of the Scottish highlands which was delayed due to illness. After a quiet night in Inverness we spent our second night in the 'granite city' of Aberdeen.Where we stayed in a popular Hotel/hydro often frequented by the Media. As we sat in the lounge with our drinks we were engaged in a conversation with Patrick,a young Irish guy also on his first Scottish tour. As my partner enjoyed her pimms she became aware of a Mexican gentleman at the Bar in conversation with the press who she identified as Red Adair. As I was familiar with his recent troubleshooting activities in the north sea, I approached the guy and asked.."Are you Red adair??." Sure am buddy!... he replied, "Can I help you? I Explained to him that the British public were indebted to him for his help and support following the Alpha oil tragedy and I would like to offer him a drink. I subsequently paid the barman for a Whiskey chaser and returned to my seat. "you were right!! Red adair! I Said.   Not wishing to miss an opportunity our Irish acquaintance approached  the guy and asked.."Are you Red Adair? Sure am bud! he replied..  Argh! said Patrick in his broad Belfast Accent..."Woud yuz stihl be dahncin with Ginger Rodgers  Now????? :) :) :)

[windy miller]

  I see my (Ex) Mrs is now batting for the 'other side'...after joining our neighbourhood L&G group.
  she now catches the 'other bus' and suffers from the common affliction better known as....
  ...  Strapadicktomy..... :)