Avin a larf

[the trainbasher]

I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

[NXWM Spectra]

"I get blue tits in my garden"

[the trainbasher]

I was offered a coaching role at Chelsea by Mourinho last week but following a poor season I thought no way Jose



In the Lightening v Miami game, Its Lightening 1, Miami 0...



I can't believe tonight's game is in Miami.

Seeing all those empty red seats, I thought we were at Wembley!



As me and my friend were queuing for the pepsi max roller coaster at the pleasure beach, I said to him.

"I'm closing my eyes when we're at the top."

"Why...are you scared of heights?" he asked.

"Nah" I replied "it's just Blackpool looks even more of a shit hole from up here."



Cheryl Cole is performing on the final of Britain's Got Talent.

I thought the mime act was knocked out in the semis.



Manchester United have decided to use the team bus to get to their away European games this coming season.

A spokesman said, "Well Swansea's only a short ride to Bristol, and then a jog up the M4."



My mate asked me if I saw the England goal.

Unfortunately I missed it, I was too busy refereeing the match.

[Trident 4609]

Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles,

Because his wife died....



When do you kick a midget in the bollocks?

When he stands next to your girlfriend and says "Your hair smells nice" ;)



Did you hear about the man who died from a viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his casket!



Whats pink, hard and you rub it in the bathroom?

.... a bar of soap ;)



What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off!   :P



And finally.....  (Well for this evening)

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy....

[Trident 4609]

For Sale: Parachute. only used once; never opened....

[Trident 4609]

A drunk man gets onto a bus and sits next to a vicar. The vicar turns round to the drunk man and says "You're going straight to hell!" The drunk man then turns round to the vicar and says "I must be on the wrong bus then!" ;)

[the trainbasher]

A Tibetan astrologer has predicted that England will win the World Cup.

This is by far the best proof that astrology is bollocks.



Prime Minister David Cameron has sent the England team a good luck message ahead of tonight's match with Italy.

That's us fucked then.



Spain 1 Holland 5

Proof that bulls get reincarnated as Dutch football players.



I dont know why england are worried about the state of the pitch they are playing on tonight ' the italians will soon flatten it out with their constant rolling on the floor.



Spain's 5-1 defeat to Holland is hot favourite to be voted the fourth most embarrassing performance of the 2014 World Cup.

England are still odds on to occupy the top 3 positions.



Thank God the BBC have the coverage of England's opening game. I've still not forgiven ITV HD for the last World Cup and their massive fuck up. I mean who broadcasts that cunt Adrian Chiles in high definition!



World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd go watch some of my single friends at the bar.



Brazil's new upcoming star has just been added to their 23 man world cup squad.

Refereeinho is expected to solidify their place at the top of the world stage.

[Stu]

The England team visited a Brazilian orphanage today. "Its heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, aged 6.

[Stuharris 6360]

Make the most of this beautiful weather today as it's due to end sometime next week, when a shower of shit comes in from Brazil.

[the trainbasher]

Having a laugh? The England team winning the world cup!!

[Liverpool Street]

I guess someone was having a joke saying GRS Travel are always 'aving a larf.

Not funny.

Near impossible to split the threads now, so I'm going to have to create a new one.

[the trainbasher]

If Luis Suarez's resulting tooth injury anything to go by, I'm never ordering the Chiellini 'al dente' again.



Luis Suarez was said to be devastated following Ivory Coasts World Cup exit...

He claims he was looking forward to playing them and chewing some fresh meat off the Bony.



Luis Suarez; Still in the queue for teeth while God was handing out brains.



Uruguay have recently legalized weed. Hard to tell but I think one of their players has the munchies.



In fairness to Suarez the commentator did say he was looking hungry.



Suarez looks set to be banned from International football for six months.....according to a molar within Fifa



Text CANNIBAL to 87550

To donate £5 to feeding Uruguay during the World Cup.



Luis Suarez hopes to play against Bayern Munich one day, because he'd like to try a shoulder of Lahm.

[windy miller]

Ruben had been praying for a lottery win every saturday night with no success, Despite his numerous attempts to seek 'divine intervention' to arrange a 'win'.. After one last passionate plea, there came a voice from above..."Ruben,..Ruben!... I hear your plea!...Do me a favour!...Meet me half way.....BUY a F'in Ticket.... :o :) :)

[Trident 4609]

Tried to take a photograph of some fog earlier but mist...




Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dave

Dave Who?

At this point Dave procedes to break into tears as his grandmothers alzheimers has got to a point where she can't remember him

[the trainbasher]

Did my best Luis Suarez impression earlier...biting into a Hearty Italian.