Avin a larf

[windy miller]

One (painful) memory of my early naval career was the time I developed the worst case of
hemorrhoid's the physician had ever witnessed !... In an effort to cure my 'grapes of wrath' :'(
the Asian GP assured me that the Indian practise of placing a spoonful of tea-leafs in my anus
every night would solve my problem. Needless to say after filling my butt with tea leafs for a week
there was still no improvement. On my return to Portsmouth I sought an alternative remedy
from a local Gypsy. With my arse in the air the woman began a close inspection. After several minutes she gave me her diagnosis. 'I'm very sorry!..she said apologetically, 'I cant help you with your piles...But I can see you are going on a long journey!! :) :) :) :)

[windy miller]

I heard that if you were born with a 'silver spoon' you are born in aristocracy? Presumably if
  you were born with a silver spoon and a lighter you were born in Glasgow? ;)

[windy miller]

 I couldn't stand my Mother in law,(fat git)..When we were on a picnic she got attacked by six blokes
   .... My Mrs said 'Are you going to help?? I said ' Nah.....six should be enough.. :).

[windy miller]

The new Irish legislation on Gay marriage should allow the two (aptly named) Irish 'rear gunners'
Patrick Fitzsmichaels and Michael Fitzpatrick's to be joined in matrimony sometime soon... :) :)

[windy miller]

   A guy came in our local pub recently and placed a small piano on the bar. He then produced a little
   man about a foot high from his overcoat who he sat at the piano and began to play some classical
  music. Intrigued, the Barman asked the guy where he came from?..." Well! said the guy..."I was in 
  an antique shop yesterday and I found a dusty old lamp .When I gave it a good rub a Genie   
  appeared who offered me one wish... Unfortunately I think he may have misheard my request as he
   has given me a  12" Pianist :) :) :)

[windy miller]

   Back in my earliest school days my friend came round with a new bike....when I asked him
    how he got it he said he met a girl in the woods who put her bike down , took her knickers off,
    and told me to take what I wanted!... Good choice! I said..."Her knickers would have been
    too big for you!   :( :(

[windy miller]

 Way back in the mid 90's A wealthy tight fisted German financier asked his young son
what he wanted for Christmas. His son replied.. I'd like something to play with..and a cowboy outfit.
...his father bought him a pair of shorts with a hole in the pocket ;) ...And British Leyland... :)

[windy miller]

   Conundrum.... whats the difference between an egg, a carpet, and a really good wank? :-\ :-\
   Answers on a postcard...........

[windy miller]

  When me and the Mrs visited the UAE last year we noticed a saudi guy on a camel heading for a local market with his wife having to walk behind which was a bit rich...My Mrs asked the guy why HE
  was riding the camel while his mrs had to walk?? easy! said the guy.. She hasn't got a f'in camel >:(

[Wumpty]

Did you hear about the woman who had 5 legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove!!!

[windy miller]

Did you hear about the woman who had 5 legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove!!!

When I put my hand up a gypsy's skirt I get my palm read every 28 days.......... ;).........

[Wumpty]

When I put my hand up a gypsy's skirt I get my palm read every 28 days.......... ;).........

O.     M.   G.    !!!!!!!

[windy miller]

....Following MP Amber Rudds  resignation over PM Boris Johnson's apparent lack of deal/No deal brexit progress recently, an urgent meeting has been arranged between president Macron and
  Noel Edmund's first thing in the morning.... :) :) :) :)         you heard it here first.....

[windy miller]

O.     M.   G.    !!!!!!!

  You called? :) :) :)

[windy miller]

 As some of you would have heard on the national news recently I have had my 22ct gold Bog
  (complete with gold chain and cistern) S-wiped from under my arse, (and behind my back)
   while I was reading the Mail and It still hasn't been found.  When I enquired if there had been
any news a police spokesperson said.."we've nothing to go on".... Me Neither >:( >:( >:(