WM Bus Photos Forum

General Category => The Muster Room => Topic started by: windy miller on April 27, 2012, 11:59:56 AM

Title: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 27, 2012, 11:59:56 AM
Looking at some of the posts lately I think the forum needs to lighten up a bit! does anyone have any amusing BUS/transport related memories/anecdotes they can share on the forum?
comments could be a bit risque but not vulgar and National but not racialy offensive.
I would be happy to contribute my experiences ,perhaps saturday nights (after 10pm)
regards. windy :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on April 28, 2012, 10:29:35 PM
Two NX drivers were captured by a group of cannibals.the chief questioned the first driver where he was from.the driver replied "Dundee". The chief put him down for Scotch broth.
when he asked the other driver where he was from he replied "perry Barr" -Perry barr?? said the chief, "would you know if our kid is still working the 28??
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on April 28, 2012, 10:36:11 PM
 :) :)A few years ago I took an old optare down to Newport on an evening charter. during the lay-over I managed to flatten the battery (As you do)-so I collared the nearest welsh driver
and asked him if he had any Jump Leads. He said "sure" then handed me a list of RED LIGHT
phone numbers in Cardiff...
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on April 28, 2012, 10:45:46 PM
On our touring holiday in Delhi we attempted to board a local bus which was already full. although there were another 3 people on the roof and another 6 on the back end we thought there must be room for another 2. The driver,(in his best English) said " you can't get on-I'm
RAM Jammfhul". to which my mrs Replied (in her best Indian) "We don't realy need to know your Name- we just want to get on the bus.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on April 29, 2012, 05:06:03 PM
 :) :)The police stopped one of our east European drivers today.They didn't find any drugs,his papers were ok, He hadn't been drinking and he hadn't been speeding.He had a valid MOT,his insurance was fine,and he had a clean licence.The cops fined him 60 Quid for wasting police time. :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: PM on April 29, 2012, 05:11:50 PM
Which company does he and you work for? Diamond?
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on April 30, 2012, 07:57:54 PM
 :)My mate pulled off the M4 to investigate a  noise of some sort- shortly afterwards a realy nice young lady in a very short skirt got off the coach and said"Do you need a ScrewDriver?? my mate said "thanks!-but not just now,-wer'e ten minutes late already!" :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 02, 2012, 09:08:22 PM
 My co driver and I were making our way to falkirk when we stopped near preston to eat our sandwiches.He said his sandwich was a bit dry and did I have any paste? I said yes. shortly afterwards he said "what sort of paste is this" ? I said "crab paste" he said "where did you buy it"? I said "in the chemist". :)lol?
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: ilovetea4370 on May 03, 2012, 12:26:31 AM
Haha! Nice to see some bus humour on here  :P
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: richie on May 03, 2012, 07:26:55 PM
Quote from: Peter123 on April 29, 2012, 05:11:50 PM
Which company does he and you work for? Diamond?

Funny lol
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 18, 2012, 02:46:35 AM
It seems only a few weeks ago that my late father commented on the relative quietness of the new volvo engined buses-as he was saying -they are so quiet you cant hear them coming. I will always remember my dads last words before he died...***t.abus!.AArrrghhhh.. :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley on May 21, 2012, 08:28:16 PM
I'm in stitches reading these, thanks for making my day :D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 21, 2012, 10:49:25 PM
anytime ashley :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 21, 2012, 11:02:21 PM
Cinderella's levante arrives at the ball on time.She is told that she must leave at 12 o clock or her 'Muff' will turn into a pumpkin!! :) During the evening she meets a Handsome prince -"hello she said-Who are you? The handsome prince replied-"I'm Norman-They call me the pumpkin eater-"by the way- what time do you have to leave??- "HALF SIX" said cinders. ;) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Badger on May 28, 2012, 09:03:54 PM
We had a... well, a bit of a poor driver the one time. An old woman at the front of the bus said the best line I've ever heard: "We're not in Kansas any more Dorothy, round here we drive on the left!"
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 01, 2012, 10:18:12 PM
When my ADR licence was due for renewal, apart from the Re test, it was company policy to arrange a medical exam. Although not a necessary Req by law, it was a company policy to comply with insurance. I could either choose an on site medic (or alternativly) my own GP .On one occasion this 'Medic' gave me the bad news-"I'm afraid Mr Miller-you will have to stop Masturbating!-I said "Why?- he said "Because I'm trying to examine you thats why! :o :)
Title: The Film test
Post by: Isle of Stroma on June 02, 2012, 07:39:35 AM
The Film test.

The accuracy of this test is amazing, it correctly predicted mine as "Star Wars". Be honest, don't look at the Film list until you have done the maths.

Try this test and see if it predicts what Film is your favourite. This amazing test can predict which out of 20 films you enjoy the most!

Here's how:

Choose your favourite whole number, between 1-9.

Then multiply it by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now, add the two digits together to find your favourite Film likely to enjoy from the list of 18 movies below.


Film List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With Goats
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
19. Alien
20. Rambo

How did you get on?
Title: Re: The Film test
Post by: MW on June 02, 2012, 12:41:32 PM
Quote from: NEL111P on June 02, 2012, 07:39:35 AM
The Film test.

The accuracy of this test is amazing, it correctly predicted mine as "Star Wars". Be honest, don't look at the Film list until you have done the maths.

Try this test and see if it predicts what Film is your favourite. This amazing test can predict which out of 20 films you enjoy the most!

Here's how:

Choose your favourite whole number, between 1-9.

Then multiply it by 3.

Add 3.

Multiply by 3 again.

Now, add the two digits together to find your favourite Film likely to enjoy from the list of 18 movies below.


Film List:
1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With Goats
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story
19. Alien
20. Rambo

How did you get on?

Yours isn't Star Wars :)

You'll always get 9 because you have to times by 3, then times 3 again. Every number you get will be divisible by 9 :D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 12, 2012, 02:00:02 AM
Its WW1 and paddy is in the trenches on the somme. His C/o has news that an important message is soon to arrive by carrier pigeon. true enough,the pigeon arrives but falls short by 20 yards due to exhaustion. Paddy is persuaded to volunteer to retrieve the message. On his way out he is shot in the arm by one of his own side, on his return he is shot in the leg by the enemy.Collapsed on the barbed wire,he crawls home in the mud. His C/o asks-"What was the message?? err-"Krooc-coo- coo" said paddy... ::) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: matt904102 on June 13, 2012, 11:01:22 AM
Quote from: windy miller on April 28, 2012, 10:45:46 PM
On our touring holiday in Delhi we attempted to board a local bus which was already full. although there were another 3 people on the roof and another 6 on the back end we thought there must be room for another 2. The driver,(in his best English) said " you can't get on-I'm
RAM Jammfhul". to which my mrs Replied (in her best Indian) "We don't realy need to know your Name- we just want to get on the bus.
very good!!!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 16, 2012, 03:02:13 AM
I remember taking a group of Aston villa supporters to a local derby match at St andrews. As I parked up and set off for a coffee, a young blues fan, (who assumed I was a villa supporter) approached me and offered to 'Mind' my mini bus for me. I said- "there's no need-I have a rotweiller in the back" He said- yeah? "Puts fires out does he?? ::) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on June 21, 2012, 08:09:25 PM
In a previous (undisclosed) job I had there was the regular Doughnut (nice bloke though he was) regularly on planet 'Wolves will win the Premier one day' who had come into the office to collect his bus (it was a manual mini-bus) well 10 minutes later he returned to the office and said to me 'It won't start, it won't bloody move something wrong again!. I went to the yard to assist, entered the vehicle 'TOOK IT OUT OF GEAR' and started it first time!!! I ask ya I did mention that this was the first thing he should check before even attempting to start a vehicle...
Same Doughnut a few weeks later came to collect a vehicle that had just been jet washed in the yard, engine running, ready to go, he pulled up went into the office to collect the paperwork (and keys usually??) came up to me as I was standing by his running vehicle and said 'have you got the keys?' well 5 mins later when I managed to stop laughing and get up off the floor said 'Have you checked in the office?' The plank went back into the office to check for the keys and the bus was still in the yard running with the keys in it! When he returned he said 'the office say you have the keys' I said 'is it that bus there with the engine running?'.....didn't even break a grin just got in the bus and went on his way lol
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Badger on June 24, 2012, 10:46:03 PM
I sat on a 3 the other day, a girl got dragged back by the driver to pay, and on her way back to her seat exclaimed to her friend "second time I've had to pay bloody bus fare." I found it quite an amusing thing to say (and disgusting of course!)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on June 24, 2012, 10:51:27 PM
Probably had more kids or been to Court more times than payed the fare lol!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 30, 2012, 11:27:07 AM
When we were on a self catering holiday in helston I thought the place needed a bit of TLC and went out to buy some flowers.from a local shop. When I asked for flowers the assistant replied " this isn't a flower shop-wer'e a circumcision clinic"- when I told her they had flowers in the window she said 'What would you expect us to put in there..... :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: matt904102 on July 01, 2012, 02:21:04 PM
I was once handed a 257 in Dudley and the driver said that the old lady sat at the front had got on in Stourbridge and asked to be put off at Wordsley hospital. He however had forgotten to do this. So taking the bus over I said that I would make sure that she got off at Wordsley Hospital. And then I forgot about her also, and so 2 hours later she arrived back where had started from. Sorry!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Discodave on July 02, 2012, 12:10:54 PM
Quote from: matt904102 on July 01, 2012, 02:21:04 PM
I was once handed a 257 in Dudley and the driver said that the old lady sat at the front had got on in Stourbridge and asked to be put off at Wordsley hospital. He however had forgotten to do this. So taking the bus over I said that I would make sure that she got off at Wordsley Hospital. And then I forgot about her also, and so 2 hours later she arrived back where had started from. Sorry!
Done worse than that took over a 62 to Lichfield a person had got on in hednesford and was told by the previous driver they wanted chase terrace and had got on the wrong direction 62 When I got to Walsall on the 61 (interworked) I was asked if I was there yet by the passenger whoops had gone through chase terrace 2 times as well thankfully a helpful 395 driver took them back for free.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 07, 2012, 03:49:03 AM
empty
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Discodave on July 07, 2012, 11:51:32 AM
would get rid of the piles lol ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 07, 2012, 07:54:24 PM
The aggro associated with doorstep selling is something many tourists in spain have to contend with but not always in your favour-when we were on a short self catering holiday in Spain a few years ago my wife had prepared a sunday lunch but realised she had not brought any gravy. I suggested she could ask the (English) couple in the next chalet. After Knocking their door several times an irritated gentleman appeared and my wife asked (In her broad Lancashire accent) "Asstha gotbisto?? to which this bloke replied **** off you Spanish **** and shut the door.... :o :o :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 16, 2012, 01:23:31 AM
 ....Hi Windy just thought I'd give you a ring to tell you how pleased I am with my new Satnav.... I Typed in the Word 'Twat' just for a laugh 20 mins ago... just to see where it takes me.. I v'e not used one before so I don't know how accurate they ca.. Hang on!!..... put the Kettle on mate!....  I'm outside your house :o 8)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 22, 2012, 07:22:40 PM
When I was in Ireland on a short Business/leisure break I took advantage of the hotel golf facility and later sat down for a quiet drink in the clubhouse. Not for long though as a very distraught woman ran in asking for immidiate medical assistance for her sister who she had accidentally hit with an Iron club. As a certificated first-aider My first question was "Where has she been hit?" the woman replied -'between the first and second hole....  :) I said 'Doesnt leave much room for a plaster then does it? ;) :) 8)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on July 27, 2012, 09:06:29 PM
I can remember my 18th birthday and being all excited. My dad filled my bedroom with large boxes I opened them all and said to my dad 'how come the're all emply? my dad replied 'I know son, now pack ya things and F*** off!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 29, 2012, 12:43:07 AM
Some years ago I was given a free ticket for an ashes cricket match third day at Lords which featured Englands Ian botham. However, in his second innings he was suprisingly given out LBW by the umpire without scoring. His disapproval with the decision soon became evident when he slammed his bat to the ground..Storms across the pitch.. lifts this guy by the lapels of his white coat and said "That was never LBW!..You want to get some F....n glasses mate!!.. to which the guy replied 'Why are you tt-tellin  mm-e for... I'm sss-ellin hot dogs.... :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 01, 2012, 01:25:56 AM
when riley and murphy arrived at the olympic venue in london today driving a converted optare solo the vehicle was found to be carrying a large quantity of nails and 200 yds of wire netting......they were only allowed entry after they claimed to be the Irish fencing team... :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: matt904102 on August 01, 2012, 12:47:11 PM
Quote from: 4006 on July 27, 2012, 09:06:29 PM
I can remember my 18th birthday and being all excited. My dad filled my bedroom with large boxes I opened them all and said to my dad 'how come the're all emply? my dad replied 'I know son, now pack ya things and F*** off!
Very Good!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on August 01, 2012, 06:16:31 PM
My wife is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help." So I gave her a timetable  :-[ OOps!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 03, 2012, 02:43:04 AM
Did'nt understand a word of that.. :) best give you the latest olympic news.... The German athletics team flight is currently on its way from Stuttgart.. (eta 1 Hr),-  The Swedish athletics team flight is currently on its way from Stockholm..(eta 1Hr 15 mins),- and the Indian athletics team Blue Diamond bus is currently on its way from Wolverhampton eta.1-2 days :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: PM on August 03, 2012, 10:12:47 AM
Quote from: windy miller on August 03, 2012, 02:43:04 AM
Did'nt understand a word of that.. :) best give you the latest olympic news.... The German athletics team flight is currently on its way from Stuttgart.. (eta 1 Hr),-  The Swedish athletics team flight is currently on its way from Stockholm..(eta 1Hr 15 mins),- and the Indian athletics team Blue Diamond bus is currently on its way from Wolverhampton eta.1-2 days :)


haha ;D  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Discodave on August 03, 2012, 12:36:27 PM
if the bus gets there at all or if the polish driver knows the way
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Discodave on August 09, 2012, 11:50:29 AM
where do you get these from they are great ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 12, 2012, 02:21:11 PM
A retired Naturist and his wife were enjoying a short break at a new Naturist Hotel recently opened in Birmingham. At the breakfast table he complimented his wife on her appearance to which she replied-" My Nipples are as hot today as they were 30 years ago!!  He said-'thats cos youv'e got one in your porridge and the other one's in your Tea!! :) ::)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 20, 2012, 02:26:04 AM
Back in my transport days,before the advent of the modern ASBO, I would often visit several inner city areas with a bad reputation for anti-social behaviour. Bradford was one of the worst-I reported a cat stuck in a tree in some distress. when I  asked for the fire brigade I  was asked if my call was an emergency? I said well, it could be-This one's on fire!...To be fair, if you were unfortunate enough to be mugged in manningham lane your 999 call would recieve a prompt reply,either from the police or the bengal lancers-whichever came first! :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Isle of Stroma on August 27, 2012, 09:15:27 PM
I popped down the local club tonight, where they were holding a raffle. First prize was a season ticket for the Albion.

Second prize was two season tickets, third prize was three season tickets, etc.....  ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 28, 2012, 01:40:20 AM
Thanks. I bought some West Bromwich Albion wallpaper recently, It goes up ok, but it doesn't STAY UP..  thats the problem........... ;) ;) ;)  :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Isle of Stroma on August 28, 2012, 09:39:37 AM
Quote from: windy miller on August 28, 2012, 01:40:20 AM
Thanks. I bought some West Bromwich Albion wallpaper recently, It goes up ok, but it doesn't STAY UP..  thats the problem........... ;) ;) ;)  :)

Bet you had fun at the checkout, must've driven the barcode scanner mental!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Tony on August 28, 2012, 09:44:37 AM
Quote from: NEL111P on August 28, 2012, 09:39:37 AM
Quote from: windy miller on August 28, 2012, 01:40:20 AM
Thanks. I bought some West Bromwich Albion wallpaper recently, It goes up ok, but it doesn't STAY UP..  thats the problem........... ;) ;) ;)  :)

Bet you had fun at the checkout, must've driven the barcode scanner mental!

Did you buy it from Tesco? They seem to have a lot of samples by the checkouts.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Isle of Stroma on August 28, 2012, 11:19:24 AM
Quote from: Tony on August 28, 2012, 09:44:37 AM
Quote from: NEL111P on August 28, 2012, 09:39:37 AM
Quote from: windy miller on August 28, 2012, 01:40:20 AM
Thanks. I bought some West Bromwich Albion wallpaper recently, It goes up ok, but it doesn't STAY UP..  thats the problem........... ;) ;) ;)  :)

Bet you had fun at the checkout, must've driven the barcode scanner mental!

Did you buy it from Tesco? They seem to have a lot of samples by the checkouts.


Easily the cheapest replica kit available....  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Discodave on August 28, 2012, 01:28:06 PM
Quote from: NEL111P on August 28, 2012, 11:19:24 AM
Quote from: Tony on August 28, 2012, 09:44:37 AM
Quote from: NEL111P on August 28, 2012, 09:39:37 AM
Quote from: windy miller on August 28, 2012, 01:40:20 AM
Thanks. I bought some West Bromwich Albion wallpaper recently, It goes up ok, but it doesn't STAY UP..  thats the problem........... ;) ;) ;)  :)

Bet you had fun at the checkout, must've driven the barcode scanner mental!

Did you buy it from Tesco? They seem to have a lot of samples by the checkouts.


Easily the cheapest replica kit available....  ;D

They need to be sponsored by evo stick if they want to stay up
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 29, 2012, 12:49:34 PM
No, I bought it in the club charity shop... I should have known something wasn't right...the pattern repeat said every two years....  ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 31, 2012, 01:36:00 AM
My Thai girlfriend is telling me a small penis should not be a problem within a true loving relationship......all the same I still wish she didn't have one... :o :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Discodave on August 31, 2012, 12:20:02 PM
bet that was painful lol  :D :D :D :D :D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: BU07 LGO on August 31, 2012, 02:22:33 PM
Seen on the news earlier two wheelchair athletes competing in the paralympics have been disqualififed. Apparently its the first time anybody was caught under the influence of WD40 :p
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on September 06, 2012, 02:32:29 AM
This forum has commented on the unfortunate occasion(s) recently of people being hit by a Bus.What amazes me is that although people are often fataly injured being hit once, others, (or so it would seem) can be hit several times with no significant injuries.One example reported in the express some time ago was that of a young irishman, (who had made 5 Unsuccessful attempts to cross a busy carriageway in Coseley),Had in fact been hit by a bus (once) by a car (twice) and two cyclists. On his last attempt he was approached by a pedestrian who pointed out that there was a Zebra Crossing 20 yards down the road. To which the Irishman replied- " Well..I hope he's having better luck than I am!  :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on September 07, 2012, 03:15:50 AM
 Many of us older members may have fond memories of the late queen mother, but the royal corgis were more than happy to hear of her demise as they no longer get the blame for p*ssing on the settee.... :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on September 14, 2012, 02:21:02 AM
Apparently George best was booked to launch a ship on Tyneside several years ago...
but he wouldn't let go of the bottle......... :o :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on September 16, 2012, 03:37:10 PM
A group of (Irish) tourists organised a mystery coach trip last week. They held a raffle
on board to see who could guess where they were going....
The driver won 50 quid... :) :)lol
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on September 20, 2012, 09:01:46 PM
I had a happy childhood. My Dad would put me inside a tyre and roll me down a hill.....They were Goodyears!!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on September 20, 2012, 09:06:18 PM
The wife left me a note on the TV, saying it's just not working, I'm leaving. I plugged it in it works fine silly sod! ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on September 20, 2012, 09:10:32 PM
I almost talked my way out of a speeding ticket the other day by telling the police woman she looked bloody gorgeous. Although thinks went a little sour when I said 'And that's not just the drink talking either!'
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on September 21, 2012, 09:27:20 PM
Got the Mrs. a pug dog as a present the other day. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seamed to like her.. :P :o :o ::)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on September 24, 2012, 12:19:11 AM
It's a Boy!..It's a Boy! I said,as I sat back on the bed..Its a Boy!!!!....thats the last time I have sex on a date in Thailand!!! :o :-[ :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on September 24, 2012, 06:05:32 PM
I was talking to the local rough neck the other day who bragging about a trampoline he just got for the kids off the internet. I said 'which site did you see it on' he replied 'Google maps street view!'
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Discodave on September 30, 2012, 08:35:55 PM
Hope Tony keeps you on but I found it funny so I will be sacked as well
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Wumpty on October 02, 2012, 03:16:33 PM
My Dad can't dance for toffee, but as soon as he treads in dog sh1t, he can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson!!!!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Wumpty on October 04, 2012, 12:26:49 PM
The alleged antics of Jimmy Sallie come as no surprise as its been going on at the BBC for years.....Rod Hull was forever seen fisting a feisty bird on TV In the 70s!!!! :o
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on October 04, 2012, 07:19:37 PM
Wot's brown, stinks, is 6 inches long and you wouldn't wanna find it in your kids bedroom?

Jimmy Savile's Cigar
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on October 04, 2012, 07:22:18 PM
That couple that ran away to France went to a whisky tasting evening, he was sniffing a 15 year old and she had a mouthful of teachers  :o
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Rob H on October 13, 2012, 09:51:45 PM
What did the traffic light say to the driver

Don't look because i'm changing
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Tony on October 13, 2012, 10:16:33 PM
With these old stars being found out I reckon Morph was a play-doh-phile
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nx4737 on October 14, 2012, 06:33:35 PM
I lost my wedding ring yesterday. Had a brief look under the sofa but wasn't really bothered, so my wife told me to look harder.

I've shaved my hair and bought a new Nike tracksuit, but I still can't find it.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Wumpty on October 14, 2012, 07:22:07 PM
My mate David has had his I'D stolen so now we call him Dav!!!!!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nx4737 on October 15, 2012, 03:23:55 PM
Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second...

But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: wbdriver on October 15, 2012, 08:30:32 PM
whats et short for?

because he has little legs.

boom boom ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on October 22, 2012, 01:57:45 AM
A Rolf Harris look-alike was shopping in my local sainsburys recently when he was approached by an elderly woman. "Excuse me"she said, 'are you the man who did 'two little boys' in the seventies??.. The man replied.. 'NO madam.your'e thinking of a DJ with a big cigar! :o ;) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Rob H on October 26, 2012, 08:34:43 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because he saw a Zebra Crossing
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: NXWM Spectra on October 26, 2012, 08:58:38 PM
What did the chav want for his birthday?
A safe!

What did he want it for?
To get innit!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on October 28, 2012, 02:57:38 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on November 01, 2012, 03:38:32 AM
My neighbour was telling me he had bought one of those 'blow-up'dolls recently..he said his wife isn't a turn-on anymore. I assured him she WAS....but stopped short of telling him his bedroom wallpaper was rubbish.. ;) ;) ;) 8) He said he took this 'doll' back to the shop the next day. He explained to the assistant that the shop had sold him a 'bloke',and pointed to what appeared to be a todger." so whats that then? he asked.. The assistant said " Youv'e got it inside out you D**k head ::) ::) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Tomjusttom on November 10, 2012, 07:51:21 PM
Found on a complaint at work

" I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

Need I say more
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on November 16, 2012, 01:03:25 PM
Back in my chauffeuring days I was asked to collect a big mouth New yorker from B'ham Airport.When he saw the NEC complex he asked "How long did that take to build..I said "about 2 years". He replied .."back in the states we would have built that in three weeks!"
I thought.. Yeah..right....On our way across central birmingham He saw the New Bull Ring complex and asked me the same question..How long did that take to build?.."NO IDEA"
I said... It wasn't there  tuesday.. ;) ;) :) :)

Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on November 24, 2012, 06:08:16 PM
Dear Mr Miller. In response to your enquiry regarding the anatomic weight of human genitals
we can tell you that our biology dept have been able to determine the avge weight of the human penis at 6.5oz. Unfortunately they have not been able to ascertain the weight of a ***t
If you would be kind enough to pop yourself on the scales at your convenience and get back to them they would appreciate it. Many thanks. Regards:
                                                              I.M Alam B.A.A (hons)
,                                                       UCE. Birmingham :) :) :) 8)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on December 05, 2012, 02:23:42 AM
Young jenny is home from school after her weekly sex education class. "What did you learn today darling?..said her mother...Oh err.. Adult mutual Masturbation technique..said jenny.
Goodness! said her mother,"Thats a mouthfull isn't it!.. No said jenny, thats a blowjob! :o :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on December 08, 2012, 01:03:12 AM
As reported in the express newspaper this evening a wolverhampton man was in hospital for  an operation to remove a mole from his penis. A hospital spokesperson said that the operation was a private matter between the patient and the RSPCA and were unable to comment at the present time........ :o :o :o ;D :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on December 12, 2012, 03:23:20 AM
Car drivers should be aware of a stolen wallet scam operating in south Birmingham.You may be approached by A trio of attractive young eastern european women in Kings Heath who offer to wash your car in return for a lift to a local supermarket.The first woman will wash your car, the second will give you the best oral sex you have ever had in your life, and the third will nick your wallet when you close your eyes. :) I have had 4 wallets stolen this week already and I propose to inform the police the first week in December 8) 8) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on December 13, 2012, 11:03:00 AM
Fred West's Son, Adam, was attending a maths lesson at his school in Gloucester. His maths teacher asked the question..'How many feet are there in the yard??...."Eleven so far,.. said Adam, but we'll keep digging.... :o ;D :o ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on December 19, 2012, 10:38:08 PM
Retired Sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for 'old times sake' He hires a prostitute and takes her to a room. He's going at it best he can for a guy his age, the old sailor asks 'how am I doing?' the prostitute replies 'well Sailor your doing about 3 knots' '3 knots' he replies 'what's that supposed to mean?' She says 'Your knot hard, your knot in and your knot gettin' your Fu***n money back!'
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on December 20, 2012, 12:15:03 PM
4006 I love that....I heard an old sailor in a similar position had agreed to pay a german prostitute in Hamburg after his 'session' as he may want a few 'extra's......as he was about to leave the prostitute said..."What about the Marks...?... 10 out of 10! said the sailor...then p'ssd off!..... :o 8) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on December 21, 2012, 12:38:07 AM
Another sailor had no problem finding a willing prostitute in the portsmouth red-light district.
"I must warn you, said the sailor.."I am a bit kinky!.....No worries.!.said the woman. After a few minutes the sailor turns out the light and retires to the corner of the room in the dark....
he returns a short time later to resume his position on the nest. "Your'e a strange one!..said the woman, "I thought you said you were kinky?.."I AM!...said the sailor, "Iv'e just sh*t in your handbag..... :o 8) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on January 11, 2013, 02:49:25 PM
empty
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on January 18, 2013, 09:31:36 PM
If you don't like Tesco's 'Horse' Burgers, try their meetballs...the're the Dog's B*****ks  :D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on January 21, 2013, 08:40:52 AM
Turns out the horses were sexually assulted before being turned into burgers. Police say their main suspect is Jimmy Saddle  ;D ;) :P
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on January 21, 2013, 08:42:56 AM
All the Mrs has done since it started snowing is look through the window. If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in!  :o
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on January 21, 2013, 07:39:18 PM
The Government have issued a warning saying that anyone travelling in icy and snowy conditions should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf, hat & gloves, plus a 24 hour supply of food & drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch & spare batteries
In addition they should take a safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit & jump leads.....

I looked a right prat on the bus this morning!!!  :o :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on January 24, 2013, 07:09:41 PM
My Brother took being sent to jail really badly. He refused all offers of food & drink, spat and swore at anyone who came near him, and smeared the walls with his own excrement....After that we never played Monopoly again!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on January 26, 2013, 02:12:08 AM
with Jokes like that you want lockin up :)!!!!!... My burger gave me the 'trots'...but at least the 'Going' was 'good to firm'... ::) ::) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: 4006 on January 26, 2013, 09:34:00 PM
Quote from: windy miller on January 26, 2013, 02:12:08 AM
with Jokes like that you want lockin up :)!!!!!... My burger gave me the 'trots'...but at least the 'Going' was 'good to firm'... ::) ::) :)
Maybe we both need locking up!!!!  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on February 06, 2013, 10:44:19 AM
I do get asked stupid questions!!...When I was visiting a zoo in Dublin some people behind me started to run. Apparently a lion had escaped from its enclosure. As I started running an irish bloke stopped me and asked..'which way is the lion running??...I said.'well you don't think I'm
F****ng chasing it do you?' :o :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: wbdriver on February 08, 2013, 09:36:47 PM
My doctors have told me that I've to watch what I eat, so I've bought a ticket for this year's 'Grand National'.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Discodave on February 09, 2013, 04:33:18 PM
Quote from: wbdriver on February 08, 2013, 09:36:47 PM
My doctors have told me that I've to watch what I eat, so I've bought a ticket for this year's 'Grand National'.

and sponsored by Findus
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Discodave on February 09, 2013, 04:34:57 PM
Quote from: windy miller on January 26, 2013, 02:12:08 AM
with Jokes like that you want lockin up :)!!!!!... My burger gave me the 'trots'...but at least the 'Going' was 'good to firm'... ::) ::) :)

Well at least the going was not soft.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Tony on February 09, 2013, 07:56:39 PM
Two horses stood in a field with a load of cows, one says to the other "they'll never findus here"
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: wbdriver on February 09, 2013, 08:19:00 PM
all these horse jokes are not a laughing matter.
Friend of mine got seriously ill after eating a Findus Lasagne.
Thankfully she's now in a stable condition.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on February 09, 2013, 10:12:36 PM
On our trip to London last year the Mrs and I visited the History museum.As we stood looking at a big Dinosaur she asked the guide how old it was. when he said "2 Million years 6 months and 2 weeks" I thought with Technology that good they might be able to Carbon Date the canteen sandwiches at Park Lane.. ;)..I asked him how they could possibly be that accurate?...He said " When I came to work here they told me it was 2 million years old....Iv'e been here 6 months and 2 weeks... :) :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Stu on February 10, 2013, 10:00:23 AM
One cow says to another cow, "I don't know, these bloody horses coming here taking our jobs!"
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Stu on February 10, 2013, 10:01:26 AM
A pub has been forced to close down, after traces of red rum were found in an optic behind the bar.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on February 28, 2013, 03:24:11 AM
M/T
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on March 01, 2013, 12:56:38 PM
I do like a good Ghost story.....after a few drinks too many on a dark, damp, Foggy night in Tipton last November, I'd missed my last bus home....As I began to thumb a lift a small car appeared from nowhere and I jumped in. I was about to say 'thanks' to the driver when I realised (to my Horror).... There was NO driver!... :o.as the car continued I sat frozen in the passenger seat..when the car approached a bend a ghostly 'Hand' appeared and turned the wheel...after 20 mins the car pulled into a garage..as I got out I noticed a bloke at the side of the car..."I wouldn't get in there mate!!!.. I said...There's no driver!!.. he said "I know!..Iv'e been pushing the Ba****d for 3 miles.... :-[ :-[ :-[ :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on March 05, 2013, 01:24:45 AM
On a golfing break in Ireland last year, a young woman on the first tee appeared to be a complete novice and in danger of damaging the tee, the club, and the ball. for her own safety (and everyone else) I felt I should offer her some advice. No!.. I said,.. grip the club like your boyfriends penis... with a long smooth stroke..She hit a perfect drive..over 100 yards..Brilliant!
I said, well done!. Now take the club out of your mouth and try using your hands.... ::) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on March 07, 2013, 05:20:59 PM
During my time as a Postman I never had a problem with Dogs.. Except on one occasion when I got 'cornered' by a large Great Dane the size of a F...in Elephant!!..as I pondered my next move a woman called out from an upstairs window.."Kick his Balls!!"..she said.."Are you Sure? I replied...Yes!! she said.. Kick his Balls and he'll go away.....I gave him one hell of a toe end from my Doc Marten right in the Jacobs....."Oh Dear!..said the woman, "When I said 'Kick his Balls' I meant the ones on the Lawn!!  :-[ :-[ :-[ :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on March 14, 2013, 03:56:12 AM
As I said to the undertaker at the time, My father would have preferred to be cremated in a Black suit. Unfortunately he only had the blue one when he died. When I took my son to the chapel to pay our last respects,he appeared to be dressed in a Black suit....The mortuary attendant told me they had a gentleman arrive in a Black suit and his wife said he would have preferred to be cremated in a Blue one. It was simple really..We just Swopped Heads.. :o :o :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on March 14, 2013, 05:29:08 PM
The wife and I were out touring in our SUV one weekend with our young teenage daughter in the back seat when we were stuck behind an old council rubbish vehicle. To our complete suprise a large rubber dildo fell off the back of the wagon and bounced off the windscreen...
Trying to hide our embarassment I said.." Goodness!..did you see the size of that insect???....
Yes! said our daughter, " with a d*ck that size I'm amazed it could fly!"... :-[ :-[ :-[ :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on March 15, 2013, 03:13:54 AM
The compere at our local labour club announced that for those of us feeling peckish the Burgers had arrived...."They've come on their own....so best put plenty of pepper on " ;)....My Burger meal went through me like a porshe!!...Matched only by my sprint to the bog shortly afterwards where I experienced an unexpected warm sensation when I blew the world out of my rear-end. As I opened my eyes I saw another pair of feet next to mine!.. I turned round to apologise to this guy who I had sat on my mistake..."Sorry Mate!..I said, "I didn't see you there!..."I thought not!..said this guy with a smile on his face..." Thats why I pulled your trousers back up!! 8) :-[ :-[ :) :) :) :) :) :) lol
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on March 22, 2013, 04:23:37 AM
 Paddy got drawn into this new religious sect in N. Ireland last month but he never fully understood the focus of their beleif. The group maintain that in order to truly "Find God" you need to have a near-death experience. They took him to a quiet corner of Lough Neagh and pushed his head underwater for 3 minutes. "Did you find God?" they asked ..No! said Paddy.   
When he was pushed under for a third time he very nearly drowned. Again they asked.".Did you find God?...  NO! said paddy... 'Are you sure this was where he fell in?? ;D :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on March 26, 2013, 07:53:37 PM
 As the Judge in the Michael Jackson peadophilia trial said to one of the witness's..
'Did you see the defendant holding a child over the balcony?..
Witness:  'No Sir'
Did you see the defendant abducting or molesting any children?
Witness:  'No Sir'
  Judge... 'Thankyou Mr Wonder... Case dismissed!.. :o :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: brummy36 on March 30, 2013, 03:42:41 PM
These are true stories(of a bus nature)-I was there! Whilst working on the Outer Circle 11 in the 1970's when crew operated, we were doing a short working to Selly Oak. Although my conductor (Happy Harry was what we called him because he always ended a conversation with a chuckle) had the destination correctly set, after the umpteenth query of "Did we go to Harborne/The Kings Head etc a passenger asked us if we went to Winson Green. Happy Harry got off the bus, pointed to the destination and said to the man"Selly Oak,Selly Oak, Selly Oak!" The man merely replied "Well it says Kelloggs Corn Flakes on the side-but I bet you don't sell them" Harry chuckled.
When I became an Inspector later in the 1970's, a passenger was very agitated that he couldn't find his ticket. I asked him how much he had paid and he told me. I then asked where he had got on, and he pointed to the entrance of the Fleetline on which we were travelling. I bit my bottom lip and rephrased the question.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 01, 2013, 08:35:34 PM
Psychic Wanted! You know where to apply ;D

Sorry for the bad joke!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on April 01, 2013, 08:40:23 PM
Thanks trident.. I did apply for the job but the notice on the door said "CLOSED... due to unforeseen circumstances ;) ;)     apparently I should have known they would be closed.....ironicly the guy who actually got the job had stayed at home... ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 01, 2013, 10:11:44 PM
Quote from: windy miller on April 01, 2013, 08:40:23 PM
Thanks trident.. I did apply for the job but the notice on the door said "CLOSED... due to unforeseen circumstances ;) ;)

LOL!

Nothing I have to post is funny enough for this thread ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on April 03, 2013, 06:26:11 PM
I asked for a few hot tips because of the Grand National. I was told not to eat burgers for a few weeks :-)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 03, 2013, 11:22:52 PM
These korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 03, 2013, 11:24:01 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on April 03, 2013, 11:22:52 PM
These korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks!

You never told me that one ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 03, 2013, 11:25:52 PM
Quote from: nitromatt1 on April 03, 2013, 11:24:01 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on April 03, 2013, 11:22:52 PM
These korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks!

You never told me that one ;D

There are many jokes i haven't told you  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 03, 2013, 11:26:58 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on April 03, 2013, 11:25:52 PM
Quote from: nitromatt1 on April 03, 2013, 11:24:01 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on April 03, 2013, 11:22:52 PM
These korean meatballs really are the dogs bollocks!

You never told me that one ;D

There are many jokes i haven't told you  ;D

Well I cant wait to hear some more ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 03, 2013, 11:31:03 PM
Another joke i heard a few years ago. (My interpretation)

There were three Children called Zip,Willy and Pee.

They were being naughty so their mother came in and said

"Right Zip Down! Willy Out! And Pee in the corner" :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 03, 2013, 11:33:40 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on April 03, 2013, 11:31:03 PM
Another joke i heard a few years ago. (My interpretation)

There were three Children called Zip,Willy and Pee.

They were being naughty so their mother came in and said

"Right Zip Down! Willy Out! And Pee in the corner" :)

That's why you don't use online baby name generators...
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 03, 2013, 11:38:25 PM
Another Bad joke from ages ago!

Morph is another person arrested in the Jimmy saville case!

He is a Play-Doh-Phile :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 03, 2013, 11:41:27 PM
Stop Nath, before someone puts your karma down...   

;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 03, 2013, 11:48:23 PM
Nah, I'm sure it would've stayed up somehow ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley on April 07, 2013, 10:01:10 AM
Me and my mate went into Ladbrokes yesterday for a little flutter on the grand national. Not being a betting man, I said to my friend "Any ideas who to pick?". He said "why don't you go for v neck..... He's a good jumper :D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 07, 2013, 09:20:30 PM
Quote from: windy miller on April 07, 2013, 07:26:03 PM
My mate asked me if I knew the difference between a Bonus and a Penis.. I said 'No Idea'..He said " My missus is always ready to blow my Bonus... :o :o

I was expecting an innuendo between "Bonus" and another similar sounding word...
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nx4737 on April 08, 2013, 04:57:04 AM
"I can see for miles."

Said Miles's guide dog, quite unexpectedly.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 08, 2013, 08:08:58 AM
Quote from: windy miller on April 08, 2013, 04:14:45 AM
thats the end of that joke then....

It never really started.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 08, 2013, 10:04:36 PM
Why did the Chicken Cross The Road?.......    To escape North Korea's long range missiles
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 08, 2013, 10:06:16 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on April 08, 2013, 10:04:36 PM
Why did the Chicken Cross The Road?.......    To escape North Korea's long range missiles

I doubt crossing the road would make much of a difference there  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on April 08, 2013, 11:07:30 PM
I took my wife to work for the first time last week.
"Why have you stopped here?" she asked, as I pulled up by the side of the road.
"It's the nearest I can get." I replied.
"How? The road is clear and you can park right outside."
"Sarah I have designated stops so please just get out the  bus." I said.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on April 08, 2013, 11:11:07 PM
North Korea Vs South Korea... It's kinda like a serious takeshi's castle!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on April 08, 2013, 11:16:39 PM
America have told the North Korean's they're prepared for any attack. The British have told America they will stand by them & the French have surrendered.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on April 08, 2013, 11:18:59 PM
Don't worry about the rising tensions in North Korea, we've sent the B52s over.  They'll soon surrender once they've had to listen to Love Shack a few times.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on April 08, 2013, 11:38:17 PM
It's supposed to be a kept quiet, but I'll tell you a secret website I found which predicts the Eurovision results for each country...  ...Google Maps
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nx4737 on April 09, 2013, 04:29:40 AM
Thatcher's been in Hell for 20 minutes and already shut 3 furnaces
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 09, 2013, 09:19:35 PM
Why are they even Considering a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher? Surley it should be Privatised :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 11, 2013, 10:57:20 PM
Welcome to the Islamic Awards for acting, or as i call them the MOSQUERS
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 11, 2013, 10:58:20 PM
Nathan. What happened to 'no more bad jokes'? ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on April 11, 2013, 11:06:28 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on April 11, 2013, 11:00:26 PM
Quote from: nitromatt1 on April 11, 2013, 10:58:20 PM
Nathan. What happened to 'no more bad jokes'? ;)

Wouldn't consider it a bad Joke, Just in bad taste ;D

Don't repeat that one on the 59 :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on April 25, 2013, 02:22:53 PM
When I was a teenager I often suffered from painfull piles. :'(...As I was too embarrassed to see a GP, I asked my grandmother for advice. She said that putting two teaspoons of used Tealeaves in my butt hole every night might help. After 10 days with a butt full of tealeaves and no improvement She suggested a visit to her local Romany friend who may be able to help me..On my arrival I was asked to remove my trousers and bend over a chair...she examined me very closely and said.."I can't do anything about your piles..but I can see you're going on a long journey... ;D :) :) 
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on April 28, 2013, 03:43:47 PM
My eldest daughter phoned me last night to tell me my (Ex) Wife had been in a serious accident, and gave me the hospital contact details. Naturally very concerned, I rang the hospital this afternoon and asked a Doctor for news of her condition. He said.."I'm afraid she has a split from her Anus to her Navel.".I said..I know that...but is she hurt? ;) ;D ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 03, 2013, 05:08:44 PM
When I heard My neighbour had sadly lost both of his previous wives, I asked him how his first wife died. He said.. "She died from eating poisoned Mushrooms"...I then asked him how his second wife had died he said.. 'She died from a fractured skull... I said 'a fractured skull??..how did that happen???.. he said " She wouldn't eat the f...in Mushrooms! :o :o :o ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 07, 2013, 01:29:22 PM
Our annual parachute regiment reunion in hereford was well attended again this year.
As a group of us shared our early experiences, a slightly 'efeminate' guy,(a rear gunner?) :o or an 'uphill gardener' as I call them, began to relate his first plane 'exit'. Apparently, as he was very reluctant to jump the despatcher unbuttoned his trousers to reveal a large penis. He said.."If you don't jump I will push this so far up your A*se your throat hurts!
Naturally My Question was.. "Did you jump??? he said.. 'Only a little bit'!  ;D ;D :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 07, 2013, 04:33:11 PM
Some months ago, the bloke a few doors away suddenly 'snapped' and murdered his wife with a Hammer.The express reporter was here in no time.When he asked if this came as a surprise I said.."its more than a surprise...its sick! The reporter said..'Why is that?...I told him I had known the bloke for over 40 years,..and everytime I asked to borrow a Hammer..he said he hadn't got one!!... >:( >:( :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley 4569 on May 07, 2013, 10:55:30 PM
In the area I live there are a lot of people who play snooker. That explains why theres always a queue at the bus stop outside my house :D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 14, 2013, 02:50:44 PM
When we moved to the multi-cultural area of Sparkbrook in Birmingham we were soon aware of many ethnic customs/ belief in our neighbourhood. When one of my Hens escaped her pen and laid an egg in my neighbours garden, he assumed I had come to collect it...He said" No NO No..In my country We have a law... My garden..My property... My Egg!..
I decided it was time to give him an English Law ;)..I said " the law in this country tells us we must settle a dispute by kicking each other in the nuts. The first person to give in is the loser. Reluctantly he agreed and I gave him a hefty boot in the groin. He double'd up in agony and after 10 minutes he stood up and said.."My turn?.. I said."NAH, Keep the Egg. I Don't want it!  ;) ;) ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley 4569 on May 14, 2013, 09:29:02 PM
Did you hear about the man who swallowed a battery? He won the lottery and his eyes lit up
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 24, 2013, 06:18:46 PM
empty
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 26, 2013, 03:49:12 PM
m/t
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   
                                                               
                                                                                                                                                                 
                                       
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: John on May 26, 2013, 04:01:37 PM
Quote from: windy miller on May 26, 2013, 03:49:12 PM
Here's a little quiz for you younger people.... 7 D in a W ?=7days in a week..Easy isn't it?...so see if you can answer these...The first 10 are easy...the next 8 you may have to ask your parents!! :) They are a mixture of measurements/sports or books/films.
Answers on Tuesday Night @ 10PM

1)   101 D                                                11)   6 F in a F
2)   64 S on a CB                                      12)   13 in a B D
3)   14 P in a S                                         13)   21 S in a G
4)   15 R on a ST                                      14)   84 CCR
5)   10 C                                                  15)   4 H of the A 
6)   18 H on a GC                                      16)  88 PK
7)   7 W of the W                                      17)  77 SS
8)   5 S in a P                                           18)  50 S of G                                     
9)   3 B M (S.H.T.R)                                     
10)  240 P in a P


A few I know
1. 101 Dalamations
7. 7 Wonders of the World
12. 13 in a Bakers Dozen
18. 50 Shades of Grey
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: ilovetea4370 on May 26, 2013, 11:50:54 PM
2 64 squares on a chess board (yes I can actually play chess :O)
3. 14 pounds in a stone

Quote from: John on May 26, 2013, 04:01:37 PM
Quote from: windy miller on May 26, 2013, 03:49:12 PM
Here's a little quiz for you younger people.... 7 D in a W ?=7days in a week..Easy isn't it?...so see if you can answer these...The first 10 are easy...the next 8 you may have to ask your parents!! :) They are a mixture of measurements/sports or books/films.
Answers on Tuesday Night @ 10PM

1)   101 D                                                11)   6 F in a F
2)   64 S on a CB                                      12)   13 in a B D
3)   14 P in a S                                         13)   21 S in a G
4)   15 R on a ST                                      14)   84 CCR
5)   10 C                                                  15)   4 H of the A 
6)   18 H on a GC                                      16)  88 PK
7)   7 W of the W                                      17)  77 SS
8)   5 S in a P                                           18)  50 S of G                                     
9)   3 B M (S.H.T.R)                                     
10)  240 P in a P


A few I know
1. 101 Dalamations
7. 7 Wonders of the World
12. 13 in a Bakers Dozen
18. 50 Shades of Grey

Cant imagine you reading 50 shades John!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: John on May 27, 2013, 09:58:22 AM
Quote from: trident4370 on May 26, 2013, 11:50:54 PM
Cant imagine you reading 50 shades John!

No, not my sort of thing!!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 28, 2013, 09:47:43 AM
John... I havn't read it either.. so much fuss over a Dulux paint chart is beyond me! ;) :)

some more clues for you!

3 Blind xxxx? (See How They Run? )          84 charing x x     77 Sunset X ?      88 Piano ****?
15 Reds on an a ?xxxxxxx xxxxx
7 wonders of?
10 X  given to moses?                          18 Holes on a ?          4 Horsemen of ?
9 x  in the Solar System?
7 Deadly  x?
                                                 6 Feet in a?                    21 Shillings in a ?
5 Sides in a ?       
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on May 30, 2013, 09:48:11 AM
A couple of ones i know

Three blind mice (See how they run)

10 comandments given to moses? (Is this right???)

9 planets in the solar system

7 wonders of the world

7 deadly sins

18 holes on a golfcourse??

Please tell me if i got any wrong
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: John on May 30, 2013, 10:01:20 AM
18 Holes on a golf course
84 Charing Cross Road?
77 Sunset Strip?
5 sides in a pentagon?
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: ilovetea4370 on May 30, 2013, 04:58:51 PM
4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 30, 2013, 06:10:13 PM
Well done! The two that you missed (240) should have have been pennies in an 'O P' (Old Pound).. 88  piano Keys... and 21 shillings in a guinea .Can you think of any more?.....(be sensible)...
 
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on May 31, 2013, 02:55:06 PM
when we were on holiday in mumbai we noticed an Indian gentleman on a donkey. His wife was made to walk behind. My wife asked him why HE was on the donkey and his wife was having to walk?... He said: Thats Easy!... She hasn't got a f'in donkey!!! :o :o :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 01, 2013, 10:25:22 PM
M/T
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: MW on June 08, 2013, 06:20:51 AM
Quote from: windy miller on June 07, 2013, 09:50:25 PM
There is a nationaly known brand of toiletry called "wash and go".... there is a similar type of product only available in the Birmingham B11 area... its called "Go and Wash..... ::)

I don't get it lol
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 08, 2013, 07:16:41 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: ilovetea4370 on June 09, 2013, 07:16:33 PM
Quote from: windy miller on June 09, 2013, 05:42:15 PM
These two Gay gentlemen were on their way to a sperm bank in London....unfortunately One missed the tube and the other came on the bus... :o :o :)

Talk about being caught in a "Sticky Situation" ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 10, 2013, 02:15:36 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 11, 2013, 01:09:20 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 13, 2013, 02:47:47 PM
Due to flight delays and more bad weather last year,I chose to stop overnight at a small hotel near Staines. While chatting to an attractive receptionist it was clear that the hotel was frequented by several female 'escorts' ;)...When I later found a 'female dominatrix' calling card in my room I rang the Number. "And what can I do for you Sir?..said a young girl..."I'll have the full house!" I said...The whip,Mask,gag and handcuffs.... And I need you to talk Dirty!
The girl replied."I'll do my best for you!.But if you want an outside line you need to press 9 first... :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ ;D ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on June 13, 2013, 03:10:52 PM
Quote from: windy miller on June 13, 2013, 02:47:47 PM
Due to flight delays and more bad weather last year,I chose to stop overnight at a small hotel near Staines. While chatting to an attractive receptionist it was clear that the hotel was frequented by several female 'escorts' ;)...When I later found a 'female dominatrix' calling card in my room I rang the Number. "And what can I do for you Sir?..said a young girl..."I'll have the full house!" I said...The whip,Mask,gag and handcuffs.... And I need you to talk Dirty!
The girl replied."I'll do my best for you!.But if you want an outside line you need to press 9 first... :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ ;D ;D


Hahhahaha!!!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 14, 2013, 01:28:45 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: ilovetea4370 on June 22, 2013, 01:27:43 PM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on June 22, 2013, 04:08:05 PM
Quote from: trident4370 on June 22, 2013, 01:27:43 PM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Oldest joke in the book. Still funny though ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on June 22, 2013, 09:37:51 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on June 22, 2013, 04:08:05 PM
Quote from: trident4370 on June 22, 2013, 01:27:43 PM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Oldest joke in the book. Still funny though ;)

Technically speaking it was:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

...
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley 4569 on June 27, 2013, 09:05:58 PM
me and my mrs tried some roll-play last night..... she got her baps out and i ended up with a large baguette :D :P ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on June 28, 2013, 03:29:49 PM
Quote from: windy miller on June 28, 2013, 03:24:40 PM
As with many church services our local vicar would pass a collection plate amongst his congregation to help pay for the choir/organist. On one occasion an elderly woman Unexpectedly Farted and was clearly audible to everyone and almost loud enough to wake the dead!..She said to the vicar.."Sorry, I think I have very very quietly broken wind. The vicar replied "don't apologise madam...just get some new batteries in your Hearing Aid!. :o ;D

Why's it always in a church? You wouldn't dare take the piss out of Muslims would you?
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on June 28, 2013, 04:42:19 PM
happy? ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on June 28, 2013, 05:02:01 PM
Quote from: windy miller on June 28, 2013, 04:42:19 PM
happy? ;)

LOL ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on June 29, 2013, 12:31:24 PM
Quote from: windy miller on June 28, 2013, 04:42:19 PM
happy? ;)


Job done  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on July 04, 2013, 08:10:40 PM
My next door neighbour just confronted me about missing items from her washing line. I nearly sh*t her pants!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 14, 2013, 09:41:45 AM
The old adage.."As one door opens..another door closes."..evidently doesn't apply to the new BC enviro 400 series..(4902 :o)...As I witnessed the drivers frustration and (Excellent) Quasimodo impression..."the Doors..the doors" at Solihull station on saturday,I imagine there may be more work for the super-sleuth at Miller St on Monday Morning? ;) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on July 14, 2013, 10:07:37 AM
Quote from: windy miller on July 14, 2013, 09:41:45 AM
The old adage.."As one door opens..another door closes."..evidently doesn't apply to the new BC enviro 400 series..(4902 :o)...As I witnessed the drivers frustration and (Excellent) Quasimodo impression..."the Doors..the doors" at Solihull station on saturday,I imagine there may be more work for the super-sleuth at Miller St on Monday Morning? ;) :) :)

Hahhahahhahaha
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 16, 2013, 02:48:13 AM
As the recipient of several ill-fitting home made sweaters in the past I guessed our dog was in for a treat when my Mrs suggested Knitting him a 'doggie' coat for his 6th birthday.... ::) When she asked the local wool shop for advice the assistant said "if you bring your dog to the shop we'll measure him up".My mrs said.."I can't do that.. I want it to be a surprise ;D :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 21, 2013, 02:19:03 AM
When My Mrs suggested we try some of these flavoured condoms to spice up our sex life I Bought some from the chemist.   MMMmmm!...she said,..."Garlic and stilton flavour?....I said Hang on!... I havn't put one on yet! >:( >:( ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 26, 2013, 07:28:05 PM
I was planning a discrete 'liason' with a girl from accounts recently..  until Mrs found a note in my suit pocket which read..'  Bronwen 2.30  S.park Friday . When she asked for an explanation I told her It was a horse running in the 2.30pm at sandown but I forgot to put the bet on... 8).. After I came back from the pub I said 'Any messages?..she said YES!... Your 'Horse' rang twice to see where you were.... :-[ :-[ :o
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on July 31, 2013, 02:11:26 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 03, 2013, 09:02:14 PM
A woman on our Bingo table had a £1000 win a few weeks ago. I said " someone on high is smiling on you tonight! The woman asked my Mrs for advice on how to spend the money ::) Get yourself some new clothes,new shoes,new make-up, and a new hair style! said my Mrs....Unfortunately, after her new 'makeover' she was hit by a bus and died of her injuries.
when she later met the great 'Bingo caller in the sky ;) she said: "I don't understand...One week your'e smiling on me with a big win..the next week you have me run over by a bus..?
The big man replied...Doris?..Doris cartwright!!!..**** me I didn't recognise you!...sorry about that :) ;D ;D ;D ; lol
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 12, 2013, 11:52:35 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 15, 2013, 03:56:35 PM
When we ran our popular rural store/garden we provided the usual ammenities for all ages. One foggy night I answered a knock on the door. "Can you give me a push?..said a slightly inebriated gentleman..I said No!..Sorry I can't help you.. Several minutes later he knocked again. "Best go and help him..said my Mrs...he won't go away! When I answered the door I heard his voice again..."Can you give me a push??... I said "Where are you??.. He said "I'm over here... ON THE SWINGS  >:( >:( >:( >:( >:( :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 20, 2013, 03:45:08 PM
Mt
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on August 20, 2013, 07:34:40 PM
I heard a rumour that cadburys are creating a oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chineese Wispa ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on August 20, 2013, 07:45:13 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on August 20, 2013, 07:34:40 PM
I heard a rumour that cadburys are creating a oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chineese Wispa ;D

A joke taken from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival I believe? And Windy's one above it was presumably taken from the Edinburgh Minge Festival.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on August 20, 2013, 09:51:12 PM
Quote from: Mike K on August 20, 2013, 07:45:13 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on August 20, 2013, 07:34:40 PM
I heard a rumour that cadburys are creating a oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chineese Wispa ;D

A joke taken from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival I believe? And Windy's one above it was presumably taken from the Edinburgh Minge Festival.

Hahaha!!

Mike K, you've posted the best joke in 21 pages. Have a cookie.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on August 23, 2013, 09:47:15 PM
Quote from: windy miller on August 23, 2013, 03:11:29 PM
Why not post some of your own?....

OK...

Here's a joke...

National Express West Midlands.

Heh.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on August 23, 2013, 10:12:30 PM
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door asking for donations. Just had one woman from the sperm bank, bloody hell, did I give her a mouthful.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on August 23, 2013, 10:14:56 PM
I asked 100 women at the leisure centre what shampoo they used whilst showering.
95% replied, "what the **** are you doing in here"?
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Sayeed on August 23, 2013, 10:30:37 PM
Quote from: Mike K on August 23, 2013, 10:12:30 PM
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door asking for donations. Just had one woman from the sperm bank, bloody hell, did I give her a mouthful.

(https://wmbusphotos.com/forum/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sherv.net%2Fcm%2Femo%2Flaughing%2Frofl.gif&hash=65da60c2ce388bf721348a3ce0322ab67a6cd058)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: trident4370 on August 23, 2013, 10:46:45 PM
I was watching Jeremy Kyle this morning.

The best bit was when he said, "Who are you and what are you doing in my house?"
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on August 24, 2013, 01:39:29 AM
Two gentlemen were due to make a sperm donation today, unfortunately one missed the tube and the other came on the bus.... :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on August 24, 2013, 08:06:02 AM
My wife told me to get our ginger son ready for his 1st day at school.
So I punched him in the face & stole his dinner money.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on August 24, 2013, 08:08:05 AM
Went out last Friday and got pissed out of my mind. I woke up next to this sweaty bird, who was snoring, grunting and farting. I thought "thank **** for that, at least I made it home"!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 24, 2013, 11:09:39 PM

It's a shame bus drivers don't have to give that little speech at the beginning of journeys like pilots do.

"Good morning, my name is Bill and I am our driver today. The weather is shit and I hate you all. Enjoy your commute."      

Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 24, 2013, 11:14:13 PM

Saw a sign on the bus the other day. It said "Take the kids out for £1".

If you know of a cheaper hitman, let me know.      
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 24, 2013, 11:16:44 PM

My son was quite disappointed when he opened his birthday present to find he didnt get his toy train that he asked me for.

Ungreatful sod didnt like the toy replacement bus service I got him instead.      

Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 24, 2013, 11:18:50 PM

I was driving down a main road this morning when I noticed a car pulled in with the hazards on and bonnet up.

I pulled in to help and we both poked around the engine for 20 minutes or so, but couldn't figure out what was wrong, so we called the AA.
Traffic was heavy so I hung on with him as I was delayed already and may as well wait till it eased up.

AA arrived and we got it sorted, but some shower of cunts harassed us the whole time, banging on their windows, 'you cunts', 'get a fuckin move on you Pricks', it was disgraceful.

Anyway, I said my goodbyes to the chap and got back on my bus and off I went.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 24, 2013, 11:22:16 PM
At the bus stop this morning I saw a gentleman getting more and more agitated the later his bus was. He tutted, started checking his watch and grumbled under his breath. I began to wonder how angry he'd be at the driver when two of the same bus came along at once.

He went off on one.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 31, 2013, 01:38:06 AM
A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first,
"What's your name and address?"
"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."   
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 31, 2013, 01:41:53 AM

President Hollande of France has said that the vote by the UK Parliament would not affect France's will to act.

I'm sure the French are quite capable of surrendering without our help.      
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 31, 2013, 01:46:30 AM
If there is a God?

Jeremy Kyle will be doing his next show in Syria....      
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 31, 2013, 01:53:29 AM
US Intelligence agencies are "100% certain" that Bashar al-Assad's regime was responsible for the chemical weapons attack on his own people, and believe that military action is the only way to restore peace.

Surely that's a huge contradiction...

US Intelligence?   
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 31, 2013, 01:56:50 AM
The situation:
You are at the bank of the River Thames and it's flooding. Let's say you are a photographer out getting still photos for a news service, travelling alone, looking for particularly poignant scenes. If you were to stumble across David Cameron struggling to keep from being swept away in the raging river and you had a choice of rescuing him or getting a prize-winning photograph of the death of a Prime Minister. What shutter speed would you use?   
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on September 30, 2013, 07:22:32 PM
I've told my Mrs she must start losing some weight off her fat A***.. The office copier/printer she sat on at the works christmas party?... its still printing!.... >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on September 30, 2013, 07:35:42 PM
Quote from: windy miller on September 30, 2013, 07:22:32 PM
I've told my Mrs she must start losing some weight off her fat A***.. The office copier/printer she sat on at the works christmas party?... its still printing!.... >:( >:( >:(

Haha, that one tickled me!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on October 03, 2013, 12:10:24 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on November 03, 2013, 06:41:20 PM
Quote from: windy miller on November 03, 2013, 06:38:48 PM
I must get my garden sorted...its like a jungle up there!... I set off two large bangers tonight and a japanese soldier came out and surrendered.  >:( :)

That joke is full of innuendos
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: NXWM Spectra on November 03, 2013, 08:13:40 PM
Quote from: Trident 4609 on November 03, 2013, 06:47:27 PM
Quote from: nitromatt1 on November 03, 2013, 06:41:20 PM
Quote from: windy miller on November 03, 2013, 06:38:48 PM
I must get my garden sorted...its like a jungle up there!... I set off two large bangers tonight and a japanese soldier came out and surrendered.  >:( :)

That joke is full of innuendos

You and your dirty mind ;D ;)

I started having those thoughts after the first sentence and the reference to 'your garden'. Yeah, my mind is horrible.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on November 09, 2013, 06:57:28 PM
I was standing at the train station this morning, and my train turned up on time. Literally to the very second it said on the timetable.

An announcement came over the loudspeaker:

"Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible."
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on November 10, 2013, 02:23:16 AM
Working with a number of foreign drivers a few years ago  there was one driver whose name we could never pronounce....we just called him 'jigsaw'.... whenever he was faced with a problem he just went to pieces.......... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: John on November 10, 2013, 10:10:26 AM
(Off Central Buses Facebook page) This made me laugh, understand the frustration, but still!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kBBK2hjcPuA&feature=youtu.be&t=1s
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on November 14, 2013, 12:51:06 PM
When my father worked for the highways Dept it never occured to me that he might be stealing from his employers...But when I came home the signs were there.... :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on November 21, 2013, 04:41:02 PM
There were a few raised eyebrows when Prince charles arrived at a national opera production at Glyndebourne last year wearing a Fox fur Hat.  Asked about his choice he replied: "When MM''a  asked me where I was going I said 'Glyndebourne'. She said "wear the Fox hat".....or at least I think thats what she said.... :o ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on November 24, 2013, 12:10:20 PM
Hit By A Bus™     By Andy Christopfel ©

Late
God I'm late
For today...today I have a date
With my professor that is
Gotta go
Gotta run
Gotta hurry, no time for fun
shoot me
kill me
stab me with a knife
School is much more important than this
precious little life
Whizzing past the students
Running blindly pass the campus sights
I take a step into the street and meet
my creator's device
Call me an idiot
Call me a damn fool
I did not do it in the name of love,
Rather, in the name of school
Pick up the telephone and call that paramedic...
While you're at it, call my mommy too
But now it's too late,
And there's nothing that you can do
I can't even speak, scream, yell or cuss
Oh my God! Oh my God!
I've been HIT BY A BUS


No. I didn't find it funny either.


Son : Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum : Well, you have done the right thing.

Son : But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on November 29, 2013, 02:46:13 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on November 29, 2013, 11:52:49 AM
Quote from: windy miller on November 29, 2013, 02:46:13 AM
As a bonded courier with a security firm I often had deliveries to some upmarket premises in west london. On one occasion I had called in the gents  and a voice from one of the cubicles said "excuse me...do you have any toilet tissue?.."I'm afraid not! I said. When he asked if I had two 10's for a 20 I thought either this guy's "avin a larf" or I'm in the wrong job!! ;D

He should've asked for 4 fivers!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 06, 2013, 08:21:25 PM
The small girl was allowed to stay up for the start of her parent's dinner party with her mothers friends and as a treat was given the chance to say Grace.

"But I don't know what to say" she whispered nervously to her mother. Her mother helped her out...."Just say what Daddy said before breakfast this morning. You remember, 'Oh God....."

"Oh yes, I remember now," said the little girl, "Oh God, do we have to have those boring cunts round for dinner tonight?"
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 06, 2013, 08:23:53 PM
I was standing at the train station this morning, and my train turned up on time. Literally to the very second it said on the timetable.

An announcement came over the loudspeaker:

"Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible."
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 06, 2013, 08:26:10 PM
I got on a bus the other day and the driver said to me.

"Going any where nice sir?"

I reply "does it look like it? I'm getting on a fucking bus".
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 06, 2013, 08:27:35 PM
A new survey found that Ryanair is officially the most hated airline in the country.

Ryanair have published an apology to its passengers.

Then they debited them a £60 'Apology Fee'.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 06, 2013, 08:28:44 PM
I'd just stepped out of my car and a traffic warden started yelling that I couldn't park there.

Or something along those lines.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 07, 2013, 07:13:24 PM
Quote from: windy miller on December 07, 2013, 07:11:32 PM
Trainbasher repl 362 and 377 are the same? ::)   PS  anyone can always erase any (reply) entry if they wish simply by hitting the 'erase' icon   (you must be signed in first of course)

Looks like the jokes on me
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Tony on December 12, 2013, 04:02:16 PM
A transvestite in a mini skirt, now that shows balls
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on December 14, 2013, 06:51:22 AM
Quote from: windy miller on December 14, 2013, 12:30:56 AM
I see the old BBC TV centre in West london famed for its alleged paedophile activities has been demolished in recent months with the usual children play area/site safety notices ect. Its Ironic that the site is probably a lot safer for children now than it was before they pulled it down! :)

Heard that joke on the Tele on Thursday ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on December 18, 2013, 09:53:08 PM
JD are selling a Jimmy Saville tracksuit (In memory of the former DJ)- The Top is adult size but you will have to squeeze into the kids bottoms :o :D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Stu on December 19, 2013, 07:36:18 PM
An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Stu on December 23, 2013, 06:03:30 PM
Ian 'H' Watkins is to sue Google after his image appeared alongside stories about the paedophile of the same name - it's not clear how much he is looking to claim, maybe 5-6-7-8 million!   ::)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 26, 2013, 02:58:49 PM
Better now you've reworded that one, Windy!!! Very good!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 26, 2013, 03:18:57 PM
Two Pensnett Mercs drive off a cliff. They met a smokey end!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 26, 2013, 09:28:54 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on December 26, 2013, 03:18:57 PM
Two Pensnett Mercs drive off a cliff. They met a smokey end!

I'm sure that wasn't in bad taste now was it Thomas? Haha
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 26, 2013, 11:16:47 PM
Valid Double Post

- The wife asked me what the weather was like outside...
"Its very Windy [Miller]" I said with a grimace!

(Sorry, couldn't resist)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on December 27, 2013, 02:39:51 AM
LS.... You really should buy more expensive crackers next year! ::) ::) 
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 27, 2013, 10:13:53 AM
Quote from: windy miller on December 27, 2013, 02:39:51 AM
LS.... You really should buy more expensive crackers next year! ::) ::) 

I don't even think those £5 for 10 crackers are as bad as that joke! Haha
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 27, 2013, 01:07:02 PM
Quote from: Liverpool Street on December 26, 2013, 09:28:54 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on December 26, 2013, 03:18:57 PM
Two Pensnett Mercs drive off a cliff. They met a smokey end!

I'm sure that wasn't in bad taste now was it Thomas? Haha

Nah, it was just a burning desire :-)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 28, 2013, 08:42:02 PM
The missus said to me one day.. in hatred..

'I have PMS & GPS!'

I pause for a second.. thinking about it

'It means I'm a bitch and I will find you!!'

--

The wife and I were sitting on the patio. I looked over to her to see she was sipping on a glass of wine. She turns and says "I love you so much. I don't know how I could live without you."
        I respond "is that you, or the wine talking?"
  She replies.....
"Its me... talking to the wine!!"


..
Those are the only ones I remember.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on December 28, 2013, 10:38:51 PM
I went to bed with 2 Thai girls last night. It was like winning the lottery - we had 6 matching balls!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on December 28, 2013, 10:40:53 PM
My new girlfriend just burst in the bedroom.

So I'm taking her back to Ann Summers tomorrow and getting my money back.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 28, 2013, 10:42:24 PM
Quote from: Mike K on December 28, 2013, 10:38:51 PM
I went to bed with 2 Thai girls last night. It was like winning the lottery - we had 6 matching balls!

Hahaha!! Fantastic!!

Quote from: Mike K on December 28, 2013, 10:40:53 PM
My new girlfriend just burst in the bedroom.

So I'm taking her back to Ann Summers tomorrow and getting my money back.

Brilliant!

You must've had some XXX Christmas crackers mate!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on December 28, 2013, 10:46:01 PM
When I dropped my new girlfriend off the other night after our first date she said I'd have to wait 6 months before she'd give me a BJ. I told her I understand and fully respect her decision and that I will ring her nearer the time.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 29, 2013, 04:03:51 PM
During the early 1980's, in a scientific study that cost the US government $75 million, it was concluded that the wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round. Also, the wipers on the bus go swish swish, swish swish, swish swish, and most surprisingly, swish swish. The next part of the study began with the hypothesis that the baby on the bus goes "Wah, wah, wah". However, it was later found that the baby had actually been drop-kicked off the bus, and thus the baby on the road goes "splat splat splat".
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 29, 2013, 05:49:02 PM
Quote from: windy miller on December 29, 2013, 05:02:49 PM
LS..My neighbour lost her job as teacher of the school music group.... Apparently the Words:  The Mu****s on the bus go Bang Bang Bang" were considered to be unacceptable lyrics! ::)
please note: No offence intended.. I just found it on another site! :)

Love it!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on December 29, 2013, 06:33:43 PM
A recent research study claims that one in ten of us live next door to a paedophile. Not me, I live next door to a gorgeous 14 year old with great t*ts.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley on January 03, 2014, 09:51:59 AM
A man goes to the psychiatrist wear nothing but glass underpants.
The doc says, "I can clearly see your nuts."
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on January 03, 2014, 06:32:29 PM
Quote from: windy miller on January 03, 2014, 05:51:23 PM
Thanks Ashley.  A man walks into a grocery shop and asks " do you have dates?.. the shopkeeper said 'No'...The man asks " Do you have Nuts?.. The shopkeeper said.."If i had Nuts I'd have dates ;) :o

What do a Christmas tree and a man who's had a vasectomy have in common?
They both have ornamental balls.

Sort of on topic he he he

Or shall we 'cut this thread short...' hahaha

This one got me howling...

My reverse vasectomy was the most painful experience of my life.

The doctor started off by sealing the flow of sperm from the testicles, and finished by administering the anaesthetic.   
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley on January 05, 2014, 05:15:25 PM
Chucked an ice cube down the front of my wife's dress and said "there's that chest freezer you've been asking for" :D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on January 14, 2014, 06:41:27 PM
Two cannibals eat a clown. One says to the the other "Does this taste funny to you!" ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on January 24, 2014, 01:08:38 AM
If Justin Bieber does go to jail...

That'll be the first piece of **** those prisoners have seen for years.


So France's first lady has "extreme fatigue" after learning of her husband's affair.

I don't know why she's tired.

He's the one juggling two women.


How quickly things change in politics ...

Yesterday, Scotland First Minister Alex Salmond was accused of wasting taxpayers' money by staying in a hotel frequented by stars including Justin Bieber.

Today, he is being accused of lowering the tone of his office by staying in a hotel frequented by junkies and criminals including Justin Bieber.


"Victoria Line closes as control room is flooded with concrete".

This situation is gonna get a lot harder.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on January 24, 2014, 01:11:54 AM
Read a sign earlier on my way home that said 'Road works ahead'

Fucking Liars, I've never seen such a broken road.


I was speaking to my son today about being a fully licensed driver.

"Now I know you're dead chuffed that you've passed your test and you can drive on your own now, but you still have to be just as alert and cautious behind the wheel as you were before. There are so many arseholes on the road these days that make things very dangerous for everyone."

"I know Dad." he said, "But how will I be able to tell whether someone's an arsehole or not when I'm driving?"

"Well son, the immediate tell tale signs would probably be the skin-tight lycra shorts and the helmet."


When I was a boy my mum used to tell me off for playing on my old games console too much.

She'd say, "What are you going to do when you grow up?"

I'd say, "What do you mean?"

Nodding towards the joystick, she'd say, "Well, do you think anyone will pay you loads of money for sitting around all day, pulling a stick, pushing a button and doing a little bit of work whenever you feel like it?"

Anyway, now I'm a Tube driver.


I phoned my friend in India to see how he was. He answered and said, "Can I call you back later, I'm on a train."

"What are you doing on a train?" I asked.

He said, "Holding on with one hand trying not to fall off."
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on January 24, 2014, 01:14:16 AM
Ronnie Biggs has died, aged 84.

This leaves National Rail as the last remaining Great Train Robber, with cheese sandwiches for £4.50


I stabbed and battered a traffic warden to death who was wrongly trying to put a ticket on my car. The judge said it was a truly horrendous act and could not understand how such an evil person is allowed to walk the streets, before releasing me with an apology.


Been giving cards out to cyclists today to save their lives.

Oyster cards.


A new film called "Holy Shit", based on the savage Beeching cuts to the British Rail Network in the 1960's, has not been well received at the box office. Poor direction, badly researched and way over budget, hardly anybody has shown any interest in it.

Undeterred however, the directors are working on a sequel to bring the film up to the present day and beyond - it will be called "HS2".
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on January 27, 2014, 12:17:39 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on January 27, 2014, 01:11:10 AM
Apparently Kim Jong Un has executed all the immediate relatives of his uncle,

I wonder what its like to have a government that's seen to get things done.




On the night of Justin Biebers arrest, residents in Miami said they were woken by a horrible screeching noise.

Then he stopped singing, got in a car and drove off.




The North Koreans can never do anything right.

Just gotta see what a dog's dinner they make of their executions.




I ran out of petrol today and managed to push it to the garage.

Thankfully, I had £20 on me which got me to pump no 7.




I went to a bookshop and asked, "How much does this book about inflation cost?"

"£10" Replied the assistant.

I said, "Great, I'll take it."

"That'll be £20 please."




I think this crisis is terrible. It's even affecting common sayings now.

Anyway, that's just my twenty million euros' worth.

Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on January 29, 2014, 07:50:01 PM
The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide to go on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top. After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls.

First up - the SAS. They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" remarks the trainer.

Next up - the Para's. They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit. "A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs whistling Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is only broken by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Fanta One, suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an
eternity, they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.

"What the hell do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer, "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you five hours ago!".

So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours, night drags on and turns to day. The next morning, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in bruises, one eye nearly shut.

"Are you taking the p*ss!!??" asks the now seriously irate trainer.

The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks: "Alright, alright, I'm a f*ckin' rabbit!"
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on January 29, 2014, 11:22:12 PM
Korean Meatballs...They're the dogs bollocks 8) (That jokes in Bad Taste ;D)

I hear Manchester City have signed some Autistic players....All they can do is draw ;)

Why did Princess Diana cross the Road? Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt :-\
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley on January 29, 2014, 11:25:30 PM
Saw an ad in the paper yesterday that said

"WANTED - 7.5 tonne HGV driver"

I thought "Dammit I'm only 15 stone"
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on January 29, 2014, 11:29:49 PM
I walked into a Tesco Express the other day and I asked the lady behind the counter for a KitKat Chunky, So she gave me the KitKat Chunky and turned round and said...No I wanted a normal kitkat you fat b**ch
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on January 29, 2014, 11:36:29 PM
The price of Velcro nowadays is a rip-off ;)

What's the difference between a librarian and Diarrea? Ones a Shushing Git and the others a gushing s*** ;D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Rob H on February 01, 2014, 10:18:15 PM
Quote from: windy miller on February 01, 2014, 06:00:59 PM
I heard Birmingham City had signed 2 chinese players in the transfer window.. Wei wun wunce
and ay wun since :)

Be Careful ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley on February 01, 2014, 10:44:56 PM
Why is the crime rate in Egypt so high?

It's full of tomb raiders
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on February 02, 2014, 02:53:00 AM
 Ashley ,We had two Egyptian car workers at Longbridge- they worked the 2pm to 10pm shift. We called them the 2-10 karmen ;) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on February 02, 2014, 01:23:41 PM
I wish people would stop correcting my spelling and grammar.

Im [sic] of it.




My wife has cat-like reflexes.

Every time I try and touch her, she hisses and tries to scratch my eyes out.




It's reported that 1 in 3 Russian men is an alcoholic.

Lightweights.




The Jonathon Ross Show ends at 10.35pm, but don't worry, the comedy continues on BBC One as Stoke v Man Utd is first on Match of the Day!




I just bought some deodorant from Lidl.

I now smell like I should be on the Jeremy Kyle show.




Knock Knock.

"Who's there?"

"Jehovah's Witnesses."

"Thank fuck for that, I thought it was my mother-in-law."
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on February 06, 2014, 01:13:08 AM
News just in.....An unconfirmed report from a Miss S White tells us that her communal bath was attended by 7 Dwarfs on saturday night. Apparently they were all feeling Happy. At least.. until Happy got out... then they all felt Grumpy... :o :o :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Christopher on February 06, 2014, 07:32:26 AM
That is good windy miller
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on February 06, 2014, 05:41:08 PM
Quote from: Christopher on February 06, 2014, 07:32:26 AM
That is good windy miller

You don't say ::) ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on February 16, 2014, 06:12:59 PM
Quote from: windy miller on February 16, 2014, 04:32:37 PM
What do you get when you put your hand up a Gypsy's skirt?... Ans: You get your palm read once a month :o :o

I hope that's not in bad taste, is it Windy?

Dirty boy!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on February 17, 2014, 09:31:10 AM
When i found out you could be a sperm donor by post,  i came in a jiffy! ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Christopher on February 17, 2014, 11:08:22 AM
When i found out you could be a sperm donor by post,  i came in a jiffy

what do you mean by that post ?
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on February 17, 2014, 11:19:17 AM
Quote from: Christopher on February 17, 2014, 11:08:22 AM
When i found out you could be a sperm donor by post,  i came in a jiffy

what do you mean by that post ?
Facepalm ::)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on February 17, 2014, 09:10:39 PM
LS..on the subject of 'Bad taste' I recall my attendance many years ago at a dinner held at a 'matchstick' artists club in Manchester.Where, after a very unappetising meal, I became totaly Kalie'd and, to make matters worse, I began my usual rendition of a song made popular in the 60's....."That old park bench we used to have our ***gs on, That rusty nail you used to hang your **gs on, Oh how the smell still clings, These wonderfull things, remind me of you"....At which point I was unceremoniously escorted to the door by a couple of "Muscle Mary's"and I had never been back since. Or at least, until recently,when I called in for a quick drink. When the (young) barman asked if I had been there before I replied: 'Yes...about 30 years ago!..The barman then asks.."was this before the miller "incident" or after?...I saw my drink off and made my own way to the door this time..... :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :D
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on February 17, 2014, 09:23:51 PM
Quote from: windy miller on February 17, 2014, 09:10:39 PM
LS..on the subject of 'Bad taste' I recall my attendance many years ago at a dinner held at a 'matchstick' artists club in Manchester.Where, after a very unappetising meal, I became totaly Kalie'd and, to make matters worse, I began my usual rendition of a song made popular in the 60's....."That old park bench we used to have our ***gs on, That rusty nail you used to hang your **gs on, Oh how the smell still clings, These wonderfull things, remind me of you"....At which point I was unceremoniously escorted to the door by a couple of "Muscle Mary's"and I had never been back since. Or at least, until recently,when I called in for a quick drink. When the (young) barman asked if I had been there before I replied: 'Yes...about 30 years ago!..The barman then asks.."was this before the miller "incident" or after?...I saw my drink off and made my own way to the door this time..... :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :D

Hahaha!! Love it! As you say Windy, the real ones are the best ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on February 22, 2014, 08:28:31 PM
Quote from: windy miller on February 22, 2014, 02:25:28 PM
Two young girls were on a night out together, One girl said.." I like your perfume.. What is it called?..she replied "It's called 'Come to me'... her friend had another sniff... "well..she said, " It doesn't smell like come to Me! ;) :)

A clean, but very filthy joke! Great stuff!

Anyway Windy, you said the truth is always the best: I was at an ATM {Barclays "Hole In The Wall"} yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on February 23, 2014, 12:48:44 PM
Many years ago a blonde woman in her 40's walked into our local butchers shop in Hereford to order her xmas hamper. Although fairly attractive, the butcher could see she had extensive cosmetic facial and botox treatments, and also a significantly enhanced breast Augmentation.
No doubt pleased with her 'new' appearance, she began a conversation with the butcher.."How old do you think I am? she asked. err..35-36? said the Butcher, Well Thankyou!! said the woman... " I'm actually 48!

The same woman came into my Hardware shop a few days later. After a short conversation she asked me to guess her age. I told her that my Guarenteed tried and tested method to determine a womans age was to estimate the size,weight,and shape of their breasts.
Amazingly,(or should I say,Luckily ;) she agreed to my request to prove my claim. After several minutes of breast manipulation from all angles 8) I made my decision...48! I said.
Thats amazing! said the woman....how can you tell???...I said easy.. "I was standing behind you in the butchers! :o ;D ;D ;D ;D          never saw her again :'( :'(
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: The Real 4778 on February 24, 2014, 03:04:19 PM
Quote from: Christopher on February 17, 2014, 11:08:22 AM
When i found out you could be a sperm donor by post,  i came in a jiffy

what do you mean by that post ?

FUNNIEST thing I've read for AGES!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: domino.99 on March 05, 2014, 04:52:00 PM
The 82 came onto green street yesterday and i was a double decker so I said ''oh yes it's a double d'' the woman standing next to me slapped me round the face
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on March 06, 2014, 07:33:21 PM
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid £200 to have a lentil on my face.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on March 06, 2014, 09:39:22 PM
My wife said to me this morning 'You're the laziest b*****d I've ever known, pack your bags and f**k off!'.... I said 'You f***in' pack 'em!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: The Real 4778 on March 07, 2014, 02:07:54 PM
Quote from: Mike K on March 06, 2014, 07:33:21 PM
What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid £200 to have a lentil on my face.

Legend!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on March 07, 2014, 06:02:04 PM
How many Civil Enforcement Officers does it take to change a lightbulb.

3 - 1 to change it and 2 to issue it a parking ticket! :-)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: horsencart on March 08, 2014, 05:27:53 PM
Five I would have thought,   number four to take a photograph  of the bulb,   and  number five to  look after the scooters

Quote from: the trainbasher on March 07, 2014, 06:02:04 PM
How many Civil Enforcement Officers does it take to change a lightbulb.

3 - 1 to change it and 2 to issue it a parking ticket! :-)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on March 08, 2014, 05:30:31 PM
A banker, a Daily Mail reader and an unemployed man are sitting around a table. On the table is a plate with ten biscuits on it. The banker takes nine of the biscuits and says to the Daily Mail reader "Watch out for that scrounger, he's after your biscuit."
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on March 10, 2014, 09:54:04 PM
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speak to him?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doin' all right"
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: "The sheep's a liar"
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on March 10, 2014, 09:55:27 PM
There was a typical blonde. She had long, blonde hair, blue eyes, and she was sick of all the blond jokes.

One day, she decided to get a make-over, so she cut and dyed her hair. She also went out and bought a new convertible. She went driving down a country road and came across a herd of sheep. She stopped and called the sheep herder over.

'That's a nice flock of sheep.' She said.

'Well thank you.' Said the herder.

'Tell you what. I have a proposition for you.' said the woman.

'Okay.' Replied the herder.

'If I can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock, can I take one home?' Asked the woman.

'Sure.' Said the sheep herder.

So, the girl sat up and looked at the herd for a second and then replied '382'.

'Wow.' Said the herder. 'That is exactly right. Go ahead and pick out the sheep you want to take home.'

So the woman went and picked one out and put it in her car. Then, the herder said 'Okay, now I have a proposition for you'.

'What is it?' Queried the woman.

'If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?'
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on March 11, 2014, 06:05:36 PM
Trainbasher, excellent jokes! Had me chuckling!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on March 30, 2014, 11:13:53 PM
What do you call someone without a body or a nose?  Nobody knows ;)

A lesbian couple I know can't afford the double headed dildo they want.... They're struggling to make ends meet :o ;D

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was Soda Pressing

Did you hear about the Mexican Train Killer?  Turns out he had Locomotives!  :D :D :D

What did the Cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend? He wiped his arse!

Which Concert costs 45 Cents?  50 Cent plus Nickelback ::) ;) ;)

So I asked my North Korean friend how life was going,  He replied "Can't Complain"

And the last one

Have you seen Stevie Wonders Kids?  Well Neither has he.....
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley on April 06, 2014, 06:46:00 PM
Paddy is painting his lounge. His wife walks in and can't believe how well he's doing, but the sweat is dripping off him. She says "Why are you wearing a Parker and a leather jacket?"

Paddy says "HELLOOO! Read the f****ng tin. It says for best results, put two coats on"
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 06, 2014, 07:04:30 PM
After weeks of searching for missing Malaysian Plane MH370 they have now found the Wings,  All they have to do now is find the Wongs........
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Ashley on April 06, 2014, 09:00:43 PM
I've just been sacked from my bingo calling job. Apparently "a meal for two and a room with a view" isn't a good description of number 69
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 07, 2014, 09:15:24 PM
I don't really bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off 33/1 at Aintree and ended up 2 for 1 at Tesco :o


Also I guess Bob Geldof really doesn't like Mondays now.....
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Mike K on April 17, 2014, 11:06:26 PM
Did you hear about the man who got his Viagra and his sleeping pills mixed up?

He went to bed for forty w*nks.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 20, 2014, 08:55:41 PM
My wife went on a girls night out recently, the invitation said "Dress to kill" so she went as Rose West......
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Steve6544 on April 20, 2014, 10:09:58 PM
My beloveled women went to an dance night out and the judge said that was the best but he whispered to another judge and said the one act to kill before she comes in for a wrecking ball😉
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on April 20, 2014, 10:16:35 PM
My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.


I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.




My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.




The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.




I don't bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off at 33/1 at Aintree, and ended up at 2 for 1 at Tesco.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 20, 2014, 10:42:27 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on April 20, 2014, 10:16:35 PM
My car's fan belt snapped and I had no money on me to buy another. Luckily, I knew how to use the wife's tights to fix it.


I put them on my head and robbed Halfords.




My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.






The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.





I don't bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off at 33/1 at Aintree, and ended up at 2 for 1 at Tesco.

I already posted the bottom joke on Page 33 (Last post on P33) ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: windy miller on April 22, 2014, 04:11:33 AM
Quote from: Nathan on April 20, 2014, 08:55:41 PM
My wife went on a girls night out recently, the invitation said "Dress to kill" so she went as Rose West......

Her son was in a maths lesson and he was asked how many feet were there in the yard?  He replied... They found 11 so far, but the police are still digging... :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 22, 2014, 08:31:12 AM
Quote from: windy miller on April 22, 2014, 04:11:33 AM
Quote from: Nathan on April 20, 2014, 08:55:41 PM
My wife went on a girls night out recently, the invitation said "Dress to kill" so she went as Rose West......

Her son was in a maths lesson and he was asked how many feet were there in the yard?  He replied... They found 11 so far, but the police are still digging... :) :)

I guess she left her husband Fred as she was sick of having the kids underneath her feet all the while ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Steve6544 on April 30, 2014, 08:51:04 PM
When on holiday 2 weeks ago I used a raido and thus person started about curries and he said what do you. Want I sad robs josh and he said ok and I said have sweet and sour and he said no and then I said were talking ten bells 😗😉😉
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Stu on April 30, 2014, 08:56:37 PM
Quote from: Daniel w on April 30, 2014, 08:51:04 PM
When on holiday 2 weeks ago I used a raido and thus person started about curries and he said what do you. Want I sad robs josh and he said ok and I said have sweet and sour and he said no and then I said were talking ten bells 😗😉😉

Huh?  :o
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on April 30, 2014, 09:15:01 PM
Quote from: Stu on April 30, 2014, 08:56:37 PM
Quote from: Daniel w on April 30, 2014, 08:51:04 PM
When on holiday 2 weeks ago I used a raido and thus person started about curries and he said what do you. Want I sad robs josh and he said ok and I said have sweet and sour and he said no and then I said were talking ten bells 😗😉😉

Huh?  :o

Don't have the foggiest of ideas what he is talking about!

Anyway i met a Cross Dresser from Lancashire the other day.....  He had a Wigan Address (Wig and a dress) ;) 

I think that joke is better when it is said out loud than being typed up imo ;)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on May 11, 2014, 11:44:40 PM
A bit of a storm after last nights Eurovision....

Ukraine performed brilliantly....  But returned to their green room to find Russia had taken their seats!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 12, 2014, 12:24:02 AM
I see they put Ukraine on first in the Eurovision Song Contest. Is that in case it stops being a country by the end?
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 12, 2014, 12:25:54 AM
Conchita Wurst winning Eurovision is a victory for oppressed transsexual/transvestite/bearded people everywhere,

or just the best way Europe has of saying fuck off Putin
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 12, 2014, 12:32:08 AM
Post Removed Due To Offensive Content
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 12, 2014, 12:36:14 AM
The UK have decided to up their game for next years Eurovision. The song isn't written yet but to maximise the chances of winning they are inviting early applications from black, blind, lesbian, albino, transgender, paraplegic dwarves. Preference will be given to applicants born in Norfolk.

Very close to being classed as offensive. Be careful writing comments like these in the future.
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 14, 2014, 07:48:41 PM
Found this on the Web

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted un ze forst plas."
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on May 14, 2014, 07:54:27 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on May 14, 2014, 07:48:41 PM
Found this on the Web

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS ABOUT TO CHANGE.
ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted un ze forst plas."

Hahaha, just what the NWO was after anyway! Excellent!!
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on May 14, 2014, 08:01:25 PM
Is this what'll happen if we don't leave the EU?
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 14, 2014, 08:10:40 PM
@Matt no, it's if we stay in the eu (not that I'm saying that I'm not a good European...)
Title: Re: Avin a Larf
Post by: nitromatt1 on May 14, 2014, 08:16:08 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on May 14, 2014, 08:10:40 PM
@Matt no, it's if we stay in the eu (not that I'm saying that I'm not a good European...)

Yes, that's what I said :p
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 14, 2014, 08:57:29 PM
@Matt sorry...I should have gone to specsavers*

* - other opticians are avaliable
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on May 14, 2014, 10:17:48 PM
A priest, a rabbi and a Vicar walk into a bar....  The barman says "Is this some kind of a joke?"




A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm, he says to the barman "A pint please.... and one for the road!)




I slept like a log last night...... Woke up in a fireplace!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 22, 2014, 12:51:41 AM
When I was on jury service recently, the judge asked a young offender.."Do you have anything to say?... F**K All!...said the guy.    Evidently a little hard of hearing the judge turned to the clerk and asked.. "What did he say??.....  He said F**K All M'lud...."Strange, said the judge, I could have sworn he said something...... :) :) :) :) :)lol
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 22, 2014, 12:58:47 PM
France has revealed its Secret Service contemplated assassinating Abu Hamza in prison.

The plan was to sneak up on him and rub some itching powder near his jugular.




Good news for Abu Hamza. His prison are putting on Peter Pan for this year's Christmas panto.




Abu Hamza has been found guilty of terror charges in New York.

But things aren't all that bad. He never has a problem opening a Capri Sun.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 22, 2014, 01:15:03 PM
I treat the european elections a bit like the Eurovision Song Contest.

So I always vote for the weird looking ugly no-hoper who can't string two words together.

Ed Miliband it is then.




UKIP leader Nigel Farage has predicted "an earthquake" in politics if his party wins the european elections.

I thought the official UKIP stance was that earthquakes are caused by gay marriage.




On the back of Nick Clegg using the term 'Alarm Clock' Britain to describe regular, every day people, the Government has announced they will release a limited edition 'Nick Clegg Alarm Clock'. In fact, I have one here, it's pretty shit actually. Like Nick Clegg, as soon as it gets to Number 10, it just doesn't give a **** anymore.




Another easy choice for me on Election Day.

Our polling station is next door to a pub.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 27, 2014, 07:25:47 AM
How do you make an Eton mess?

Put Nick Clegg in charge of the Lib Dems.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 27, 2014, 07:26:20 AM
Who says honesty in politics doesn't pay off?

UKIP's European Election candidates stated they would do absolutely nothing for their £78,000 salary...

Got 23 MEP's!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 27, 2014, 07:27:31 AM
David Cameron has said that offensive remarks made by UKIP candidates and financial backers should be 'condemned',

unless the Tories are forced to form a coalition with them next year in which case he said 'commendable'.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 27, 2014, 07:29:17 AM
Barack and Michelle were at the White Sox spring training game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind them. A Secret Service agent leans forward and says something to the President. Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head.

He then says "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor, and the fans will love it!" So, Barack shrugs and says "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."

Then he grabs Michelle by the collar and seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She kicks, screams and swears. The crowd goes wild - cheering, applauding, and high-fiving. Barack bows and smiles, and leans over to the agent and says "Man you were right!"

Noticing the agent had gone totally pale, Barack asked what was wrong. He replies "Sir, I said, they wanted you to throw the first PITCH!"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 28, 2014, 07:20:34 PM
Doctor, Doctor! I feel like a bridge......'Really? What's come over you?'.......'2 cars and a bus.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 28, 2014, 07:22:38 PM
There was this bloke who had a light bulb that just would not work. There was nothing wrong with it – it just wouldn't light up. Then he had a brainwave and asked a German man to hold it for him. It still didn't work, so he asked more Germans to link up with the one holding the bulb. Then the bulb lit up. Many Hans make light work.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 28, 2014, 07:23:26 PM
Officer Paddy is on his patrol through town when he sees a regular drunk walking around and he has a Penguin with him. The officer goes over to him and asks "Paddy, where did you get that Penguin?". "I found him" Paddy replies. "Well take him to the Zoo would you" says Murphy. "That's a brilliant idea Murphy" says Paddy, "I'll do that, that's brilliant" and heads off towards the Zoo. The next day Officer Murphy is on his patrol and he sees Paddy again, and he still has the Penguin with him. "Paddy" he calls "didn't you take that Penguin to the Zoo?". "Yes I did" says Paddy, "and he loved it, and today we 're going to the cinema".
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 28, 2014, 07:26:03 PM
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausages?"
The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"
The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am, but let me ask you something...
If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"
The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."
The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 28, 2014, 07:27:11 PM
I have a dog & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: NXWM Spectra on June 07, 2014, 10:31:16 PM
"I get blue tits in my garden"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on June 07, 2014, 10:53:56 PM
I was offered a coaching role at Chelsea by Mourinho last week but following a poor season I thought no way Jose




In the Lightening v Miami game, Its Lightening 1, Miami 0...




I can't believe tonight's game is in Miami.

Seeing all those empty red seats, I thought we were at Wembley!




As me and my friend were queuing for the pepsi max roller coaster at the pleasure beach, I said to him.

"I'm closing my eyes when we're at the top."

"Why...are you scared of heights?" he asked.

"Nah" I replied "it's just Blackpool looks even more of a shit hole from up here."




Cheryl Cole is performing on the final of Britain's Got Talent.

I thought the mime act was knocked out in the semis.




Manchester United have decided to use the team bus to get to their away European games this coming season.

A spokesman said, "Well Swansea's only a short ride to Bristol, and then a jog up the M4."




My mate asked me if I saw the England goal.

Unfortunately I missed it, I was too busy refereeing the match.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on June 10, 2014, 09:02:05 PM
Why does Dr Pepper come in bottles,

Because his wife died....




When do you kick a midget in the bollocks?

When he stands next to your girlfriend and says "Your hair smells nice" ;)




Did you hear about the man who died from a viagra overdose?

They couldn't close his casket!




Whats pink, hard and you rub it in the bathroom?

.... a bar of soap ;)




What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip off!   :P




And finally.....  (Well for this evening)

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an alter boy....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on June 11, 2014, 09:13:21 PM
For Sale: Parachute. only used once; never opened....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on June 13, 2014, 09:26:27 PM
A drunk man gets onto a bus and sits next to a vicar. The vicar turns round to the drunk man and says "You're going straight to hell!" The drunk man then turns round to the vicar and says "I must be on the wrong bus then!" ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on June 14, 2014, 03:29:57 PM
A Tibetan astrologer has predicted that England will win the World Cup.

This is by far the best proof that astrology is bollocks.




Prime Minister David Cameron has sent the England team a good luck message ahead of tonight's match with Italy.

That's us fucked then.




Spain 1 Holland 5

Proof that bulls get reincarnated as Dutch football players.




I dont know why england are worried about the state of the pitch they are playing on tonight ' the italians will soon flatten it out with their constant rolling on the floor.




Spain's 5-1 defeat to Holland is hot favourite to be voted the fourth most embarrassing performance of the 2014 World Cup.

England are still odds on to occupy the top 3 positions.




Thank God the BBC have the coverage of England's opening game. I've still not forgiven ITV HD for the last World Cup and their massive fuck up. I mean who broadcasts that cunt Adrian Chiles in high definition!




World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I'd go watch some of my single friends at the bar.




Brazil's new upcoming star has just been added to their 23 man world cup squad.

Refereeinho is expected to solidify their place at the top of the world stage.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stu on June 16, 2014, 08:08:56 PM
The England team visited a Brazilian orphanage today. "Its heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Jose, aged 6.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on June 20, 2014, 06:56:42 PM
Make the most of this beautiful weather today as it's due to end sometime next week, when a shower of shit comes in from Brazil.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on June 20, 2014, 07:42:46 PM
Having a laugh? The England team winning the world cup!!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on June 25, 2014, 10:30:47 AM
I guess someone was having a joke saying GRS Travel are always 'aving a larf.

Not funny.

Near impossible to split the threads now, so I'm going to have to create a new one.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on June 25, 2014, 11:09:03 PM
If Luis Suarez's resulting tooth injury anything to go by, I'm never ordering the Chiellini 'al dente' again.




Luis Suarez was said to be devastated following Ivory Coasts World Cup exit...

He claims he was looking forward to playing them and chewing some fresh meat off the Bony.




Luis Suarez; Still in the queue for teeth while God was handing out brains.




Uruguay have recently legalized weed. Hard to tell but I think one of their players has the munchies.




In fairness to Suarez the commentator did say he was looking hungry.




Suarez looks set to be banned from International football for six months.....according to a molar within Fifa




Text CANNIBAL to 87550

To donate £5 to feeding Uruguay during the World Cup.




Luis Suarez hopes to play against Bayern Munich one day, because he'd like to try a shoulder of Lahm.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 26, 2014, 02:16:48 AM
Ruben had been praying for a lottery win every saturday night with no success, Despite his numerous attempts to seek 'divine intervention' to arrange a 'win'.. After one last passionate plea, there came a voice from above..."Ruben,..Ruben!... I hear your plea!...Do me a favour!...Meet me half way.....BUY a F'in Ticket.... :o :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on June 26, 2014, 10:35:57 PM
Tried to take a photograph of some fog earlier but mist...





Knock Knock

Who's there?

Dave

Dave Who?

At this point Dave procedes to break into tears as his grandmothers alzheimers has got to a point where she can't remember him
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on June 27, 2014, 11:14:07 PM
Did my best Luis Suarez impression earlier...biting into a Hearty Italian.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 30, 2014, 03:00:08 PM
Two Nuns were driving back to their Convent one night in Transylvania when a menacing Vampire appeared from nowhere and jumped on the bonnet. Fortunately, Sister Ruth knew what to do...."Quick sister Mary!..she said.."Show him your CROSS......Sister Mary opened the window and said "Oi!..I shan't tell you again.. Get off our ****in Car! :o :o :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on June 30, 2014, 03:24:03 PM
The three rings of marriage:

The engagement ring
The wedding ring

And the suffering
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on July 01, 2014, 12:45:30 AM
What is the most common form of owl on owl violence?

Drive-by hootings.




While driving yesterday, I saw a banana skin in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it.

Thanks, Mario Kart.




Statistically, you are more likely to be bitten by Luis Suarez than a shark




Just downloaded a video of Luis Suárez's greatest moments.

It was only 3 mega bites.




England are to have a new captain next week.

His name is Roger Smith and he's the pilot for the flight home.




I've just stocked my fridge with beers for the World Cup, customised for each match.

I've got Grolsch for when Holland are playing, because it's Dutch; Beck's for when Germany are playing, because it's German; and Carling for when England are playing, because it's shit.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 01, 2014, 01:42:20 AM
When I heard rolf harris did "three little boys" in the 70's I thought it was a song... :o :o :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on July 01, 2014, 01:55:09 PM
Quote from: windy miller on July 01, 2014, 01:42:20 AM
When I heard rolf harris did "three little boys" in the 70's I thought it was a song... :o :o :)

Hahaha. Great stuff.


---


How do you  tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a  Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish  police officer?

QUESTION: You're on  duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are,
and your Sergeant  hates you) walking on a deserted street late at 
night.

Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife  comes around the corner,
locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,  raises the knife and lunges
at you.

You are  carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. 
However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. 
What do you do ?

ANSWER:

English Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider  the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or  oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does  not yet understand
the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a  ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that  would inspire him to
attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively  ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing  my truncheon and knock the knife out of
his hand ?

8)  Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind  of message
does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely  want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

           11)  If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to
                   stab  and kill me ?
]

           12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns  and runs away, do I get
                        blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and  kills himself?

           13) If I hurt him and lose  the subsequent court case, does he have
                          the opportunity to sue me,  cost me my job, my credibility and the loss
                         of my family home?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG  !

American Police Officer:
BANG ! BANG !  BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG! BANG!  BANG  !
'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG  ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG! BANG ! BANG  !


Glasgow Police Officer:
"Haw,  Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Tony on July 01, 2014, 02:07:44 PM
Three larger ladies sat at a beschside bar. Man walks up and says 'are you three young ladies from Scotland' one of the replies 'I think you mean Wales'  Man replies ' Sorry, are you three whales from Scotland?'
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on July 02, 2014, 10:24:47 PM
Rolf Harris was Australian Under 18 backstroke champion in the 1940's

By the 70's he had moved onto the U-14 breaststroke....




What stage of painting does Rolf Harris enjoy the most?

The touching up
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on July 05, 2014, 06:50:43 PM
Next weeks Animal Hospital where Rolf Harris explains how to handle a young beaver has apparently been cancelled

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Picture the cell door closing and Rolf Harris collapses on the floor in tears.

Suddenly a voice from the bunk above bursts into song "Did you think i would leave you crying , when there room on my bunk for two".
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 05, 2014, 05:42:34 PM
 Our youngest daughter came home from school and told her mother that all the boys like to see her doing cartwheels in the playground.   My Mrs told her that the boys just want to see her knickers!!... She said " I know mummy!.. Thats why I always put them in my bag at playtime.. :o :o :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 08, 2014, 09:40:34 PM
A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.

He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.

The granddaughter followed this advice religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.

She left behind 8 children, 18 grandchildren, 32 great grandchildren, 25 great great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 13, 2014, 02:36:19 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 13, 2014, 06:36:26 PM
A guy always wanted an expensive car - a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. He scrimped and saved, finally going to the dealer to plop down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dogs bollox, dream mobile. After settling with the dealer, he drives off in his new car.
Later, deciding he wants some music, he searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel on a 747. He fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up, having failed to find the radio. Furious, he races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman, telling him they forgot to install the radio. The salesman assures him it's right there in front of him, hooked into the onboard computer. "It's voice controlled. All you have to do is tell it what you want". He demonstrates: "Classical", he says. "Click". The car fills with the sounds of Paganini. "Blues", he says, and "click", a B. B. King classic plays. The guy drives off amazed. "Country", he says, and "click", a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Punk." "Click". The Sex Pistols belt out "God Save the Queen". He's so captivated by this new toy that he isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver pulls out from a side street and cuts him up. "PILLOCK!!!" he screams. "Click". "Good morning, everyone. This is Radio Two and you're listening to Chris Evans."
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: domino.99 on August 14, 2014, 06:51:32 PM
A mate of mine moved down here from Scotland and I told him that there is a bus company called banga buses, after his first ride he said that it wasn't what he first expected.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Ben on August 17, 2014, 07:01:35 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on August 13, 2014, 06:36:26 PM
"PILLOCK!!!" he screams. "Click". "Good morning, everyone. This is Radio Two and you're listening to Chris Evans."
this made me giggle, despite the fact that I tune in to Chris Evans, if he is actually ON ;)

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on August 18, 2014, 09:09:25 PM
i thought it was a seaside tragedy when i read the headline "YOUNG BOY TOSSED OFF CLIFF"

Just goes to show, you never know what dangers are lurking in the shadows.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on August 20, 2014, 04:38:13 PM
Quote from: Stuharris 6360 on August 18, 2014, 09:09:25 PM
i thought it was a seaside tragedy when i read the headline "YOUNG BOY TOSSED OFF CLIFF"

Just goes to show, you never know what dangers are lurking in the shadows.

HAHAHAHAHAHHA!!! I'm howling here!!

So much f*cking win!! Love it!!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on August 20, 2014, 05:38:19 PM
A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on August 20, 2014, 09:56:43 PM
whats the difference between Mark Knopfler & Cliff Richard????

Ones in Dire Straits, the others in deep shit!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 31, 2014, 01:27:58 AM
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2014 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Ukraine and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the *******s." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 31, 2014, 01:53:59 AM
Baked Alaska Serving Suggestion

http://t.co/jYmaEwJFjp
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 01, 2014, 03:43:56 PM
On my visit to the state mental hospital near Carstairs a few years ago (on Business) :) I asked one of the directors what criteria they use to assess potential patients. He said "we fill a bathtub with water and ask the patient to empty it. We offer him/her the option of a tea spoon, a cup, or a bucket.  Oh!..I said., I understand, A normal person would choose the bucket as it holds more water?... No.. he said,  Any normal person would pull the F' ng plug out...... Would you like a bed by the window? :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on September 01, 2014, 04:42:19 PM
Two guys from Edinburgh die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in anoraks and hoods warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?"
They reply, "'Well, we're from Edinburgh, pal, and it's always raining. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit and dry out".
The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in anoraks and hoods. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?"
Again they reply, "Well, like we told you, we're from Edinburgh and we're just happy for a chance to warm up and dry out a little."
This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Jocks in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."
The two Scots reply, "As we've already said, we don't get much warm weather in Edinburgh. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice."
The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Haggis-bashers back in their anoraks and hoods - but now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling & screaming like mad men!
The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?"
The Scotsmen look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean that Heart of Midlothian have won the Scottish Premiership!"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 02, 2014, 02:00:54 AM
A  well known UK snack is now available in North Korea as a vegetarian option..... its called Not Poodle.... :o :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on September 02, 2014, 11:28:57 AM
Quote from: windy miller on September 02, 2014, 02:00:54 AM
A  well known UK snack is now available in North Korea as a vegetarian option..... its called Not Poodle.... :o :) :)

Ha Ha ;D that made me chuckle ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: uniquicity on September 02, 2014, 01:29:13 PM
Quote from: Nathan on September 02, 2014, 11:28:57 AM
Quote from: windy miller on September 02, 2014, 02:00:54 AM
A  well known UK snack is now available in North Korea as a vegetarian option..... its called Not Poodle.... :o :) :)

Ha Ha ;D that made me chuckle ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9YbmaofQ1w
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 03, 2014, 01:55:50 PM
Quote from: uniquicity on September 02, 2014, 01:29:13 PM
Quote from: Nathan on September 02, 2014, 11:28:57 AM
Quote from: windy miller on September 02, 2014, 02:00:54 AM
A  well known UK snack is now available in North Korea as a vegetarian option..... its called Not Poodle.... :o :) :)

Ha Ha ;D that made me chuckle ;)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9YbmaofQ1w



That programme was one of many I missed that year due to my contract hire agreements. damn funny though... I think the only one they missed was  a smaller version designed for toddlers...  TOT noodle?... The North Koreans often adopt some (english) words... e.g.. The word "PerPETu ATE"...  an extra charge on the menu instead of VAT I believe.?.. :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on September 07, 2014, 09:13:37 PM
Police have searched Cliff Richards house, so far they have found a living doll, a batchelor boy, and a devil woman, so far they have been unable to speak to Cliff as he is currently on his summer holiday. They have also verified that Carrie doesn't live there anymore.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on September 14, 2014, 12:00:00 AM
Here's one, back on the 60's, when aircraft were still crates with wings, it was decided to test the new glass structure with a cannon. However, this cannon didn't fire cqnnonballs, instead it fires poultry. So one day,on the first when it was fired, it took the pilot dummys head off, and continued straight through the aircraft and hanger, into an F-102 prototype, bouncing off the titanium framing on the windscreen. The chief came out to see what all the fuss is about and sees four chicken sized holes. All he says is "who forgot to defrost the turkey?"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on September 14, 2014, 12:44:26 AM
Avin a larf??

Travelcards in London dated 14.9.14 not valid at 0001 14.9.14
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on September 14, 2014, 03:38:28 AM
Quote from: windy miller on September 14, 2014, 03:31:01 AM
I think it depends what TIME your travelcard is valid from on the DAY..I may be wrong but I'm sure the 'early' travelcard/pass starts at 4am and is valid to 09.30am.? :-\

I'll tell you one thing @windy miller...if I was in charge I'd make it so a day travelcard is valid for the day it's intended for (feel a phone call to the daily mail ;-) )
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on September 14, 2014, 08:30:41 PM
The day in London begins at 04:30 and continues to 04:29 the following day, or that is at least how Oyster cards work, so presume Travelcards would work the same!!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on September 14, 2014, 09:54:41 PM
Police in South Africa have found evidence to prove that Oscar Pistorius didn't shoot Reeva Steenkamp....................
...

FOOTPRINTS!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on September 24, 2014, 02:04:10 AM
Quote from: LiamthebusGuy on September 23, 2014, 08:23:52 AM
Quote from: Nathan on September 02, 2014, 11:28:57 AM
Quote from: windy miller on September 02, 2014, 02:00:54 AM
A  well known UK snack is now available in North Korea as a vegetarian option..... its called Not Poodle.... :o :) :)

Ha Ha ;D that made me chuckle ;)

I agree with Nathan

And the point of that post was....?

Quote from: LiamthebusGuy on September 23, 2014, 08:24:54 AM
Quote from: windy miller on September 12, 2014, 01:43:14 PM
My Mrs said that if she catches me downloading anymore porn sites she will bang my head against the keyboarkukyfcotyyyy999999(R^((^&TYIOR^(^$(365893%I(DETDYI($^thidyd

"AAARRRRGGGHHHH DUH DEH DAH *****"

I don't get it.


~

Please don't post this crap. Worthwhile jokes and reactions only, please. You're a post away from me banning you. Your move.

Checkmate.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 24, 2014, 08:44:06 PM
I have to agree I'm afraid.. I have been actively promoting this web site and (esp) the joke pages... :)  Tony has given us the option(s) to edit or remove our own posts? If a post is no longer appropriate, topical, irrelevant, or simply a comment in the wrong thread, may I suggest we remove the post(s) ourselves? :-\ :-\   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 24, 2014, 10:31:56 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: arrifirststage on September 25, 2014, 09:42:15 AM
What has happened to the joke section of the site..............everything now consists of obscenities or illiterate rubbish,are there no jokes without this contend anymore?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 25, 2014, 11:07:41 AM
Quote from: arrifirststage on September 25, 2014, 09:42:15 AM
What has happened to the joke section of the site..............everything now consists of obscenities or illiterate rubbish,are there no jokes without this contend anymore?



Arrif. The subject of literacy is often contentious... Tony had provided a 'spell check' option on the marquee some time ago for the benefit of people with difficulties, or maybe whose first language is not English?... I can only assume it was removed because the option was being ignored?... As for obscenities I'm afraid all too many of us are guilty :-[......when I was at medical school we were asked to arrange the anagram NPSEI to show a vital part of the anatomy at its best when erect?... those of us who put SPINE went on to UNI... the rest of us are still posting jokes on websites...... 8) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on September 25, 2014, 08:01:16 PM
Here are some call centre conversations:

Caller: I've been ringing 0800 2100 for 2 days now, and i can't get through to Enquiries. Can you help?
Operator: Umm, where did you get the number from
Caller: It's on the door to the Travel Centre. Why?
Operator: Those are our opening hours


A caller rings up to find a Knitwear factory in Woven...

Operator: Woven, where's that? Sir are you sure?
Caller: That's what it says in my jumper; Woven in Scotland

Not a call centre conversation, but still..

My girlfriend and i were out in the park when a guy came up and flashed her. My girlfriend, overreacting, called out ''RAPE!!!!''. I called out after, ''Don't give him any ideas!!!''

Yeah i know they're terrible but still, could be worse
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 26, 2014, 02:37:48 PM
.......Just thought I'd let you know.. I'm in casualty!...turns out this Dyson Ball cleaner wasn't what I thought it was :o :o :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 06, 2014, 06:03:18 PM
Good Samaritan?. ;)   As I walked across the cliff tops near Brighton I met an attractive young woman determined to commit suicide and there was nothing I could say to stop her. Faced with a 100ft fall to her death I needed to think fast. I dropped my shorts and suggested she might like an alternative 'Jump' instead. "Certainly not!. she replied, You dirty B****rd!..  Fair enough! I said, as I waved my Todger...I'll Just wait at the bottom then.... I'm not fussed 8)


she didn't jump :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Wumpty on October 12, 2014, 02:28:53 PM
Quote from: windy miller on October 12, 2014, 04:41:47 AM
Some of these 'Alternative' XXX  film titles are available to buy at your local cinema:
1) Schindlers fist
2) Sperms of Endearment
3) Shaving Ryans privates
4) The Davinci Load
5) Star Whores
6) Brideshead re-Fisted :o :o :o :) :)

I've heard Throbbin Hood is worth a look!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on October 12, 2014, 06:36:33 PM
Quote from: windy miller on October 12, 2014, 02:46:40 PM
A few of my own maybe?....Jizzing miss daisy?  or maybe The porn ultimatum or possibly "one screw over the cookers best... :o :o :o :o ;)

Or Oliver Fist?


"Please Sir, Can i have a little bit less" ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: domino.99 on October 13, 2014, 08:40:50 PM
What about Willy Wanker and the tissue factory
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on October 13, 2014, 09:37:48 PM
Fanny Girl
The breast offer
The Mortal Instruments: City of Boners
One erection: This Is Us
My Little Pony: Equestria Girls – Rainbow **cks
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 14, 2014, 10:46:13 AM
 T/b.. Are these all 'Box office' titles? or DVD's? .. The problem with so many DVD titles is that unless you have, (or had) shares in Blockbusters ™ :) it can be difficult to appreciate the original titles.   ,eg  Raiders of the lost Ar*e, Breast side story or Boldfinger ect would be instantly recognisable.   ps. thanks to everyone who has contributed to these pages, (Good or bad) :)  with the hit counter now in excess of 30k lets hope it gets better ??? :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 17, 2014, 02:29:35 PM
Sad to relate..the french police have said that the pop singer sophie ellis bexter had been found dead at the home of a famous french footballer :'( :'(  apparently the police are treating it as a case of murder on Zedane's floor :o :o ::)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 18, 2014, 09:12:43 PM
I see they propose to give a former king of England a christian burial after he was found in a Leicester car park?..  The only Richard III I ever found in a car park were the ones I had just trodden in by accident >:( >:(   :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on October 27, 2014, 08:39:14 PM
"Put the clocks back"

A reminder to most.

A stern order in Liverpool.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on October 27, 2014, 09:33:06 PM
How do you fit 100 UKIP supporters into a mini?

Throw in a referendum on Europe
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on October 27, 2014, 09:33:41 PM
What do you call a chav in a Bank Vault?

Safe, innit!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on October 27, 2014, 09:34:47 PM
2 Chavs in a car, no music, who's the driver?

The Police
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on October 27, 2014, 09:37:48 PM
I don't know why ITV put wonga.com adverts on the telly at midnight.

Jeremy Kyles audience is usually asleep
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on October 27, 2014, 09:38:32 PM
What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet?

Sorted, innit
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on October 27, 2014, 09:46:55 PM
What do you call a chav in a blender?

Blud, innit
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: CL on October 31, 2014, 11:57:30 AM
Bus Related Joke:

The difference between a B7 ALX400 and the Trident ALX400 is why I have trust issues.  :-[
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on November 04, 2014, 08:20:30 PM
Here are some questions that were left out of this year's exam:

1) To keep them cool, the genitals of the male homosapien are kept on the outside. Should he put them back in his trousers?
2) If an oil well is spilling out oil at a rate of 50,000 barrels a day, how do you stop it? No, really, how do you stop it?
3) Which is faster: a cheetah, or Mel Gibson leaving the MOBO's?
4) If you removed a man's lower intestine and streched it out as far as it went, how angry would he be?
5) Chemistry: What's that smell?

All credit for these jokes go to Mock the Week, and the jokes respective comedians.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Steveminor on November 16, 2014, 09:00:29 AM
Interesting a spooky fact. The Titanic sank over 100 years ago & now everything on board is rusted broken & decaying. Yet the swimming pool is still full.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on November 26, 2014, 10:15:31 PM
Jedward have been sent into ISIS undercover, however for the sake of security, their name has been changed to ... Jihad-ward!!

Yeah, i know its terrible, but, oh well..
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on November 26, 2014, 10:43:37 PM
Quote from: ARJ2901 on November 26, 2014, 10:15:31 PM
Jedward have been sent into ISIS undercover, however for the sake of security, their name has been changed to ... Jihad-ward!!

Yeah, i know its terrible, but, oh well..

I think you need to work on your jokes Alex ha ha ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Ronnoc on December 02, 2014, 04:21:20 PM
Quote from: windy miller on December 02, 2014, 02:34:16 AM
A palindrome is a word that spells the same forward and backwards... the only two that I have come across is TITs and BooBs ;)
Hannah, Bob.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 02, 2014, 05:03:32 PM
Quote from: ronnoc1k8 on December 02, 2014, 04:21:20 PM
Quote from: windy miller on December 02, 2014, 02:34:16 AM
A palindrome is a word that spells the same forward and backwards... the only two that I have come across is TITs and BooBs ;)
Hannah, Bob.

Madam I'm Adam
Too hot to hoot
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on December 09, 2014, 10:47:19 PM
Here's my Xmas jokes:

George Michael has been arrested for organ trafficking as last year, someone give him there heart, and this year he's going to give it to someone special

My dad said to me "Alex, bring down the nutty fruitcake soaked in booze" So i said " Alright dad, NAN, COME ON DOWN!"

I never said they were good jokes
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: trident4370 on December 09, 2014, 10:51:38 PM
The fruitcake one made me smile  :P
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 09, 2014, 10:59:43 PM
Captions please

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10428683_10152852390438116_8715275438694365451_n.jpg?oh=c5cc9875fea2811d72041656625f8f1e&oe=55101B20&__gda__=1427514741_ca3d96d5ddbc82b96dbf27473a0bc7f0)

I thought that all of my ideas suck.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on December 10, 2014, 04:27:43 PM
Vaccum All Ye Faithful
Quote from: the trainbasher on December 09, 2014, 10:59:43 PM
Captions please

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10428683_10152852390438116_8715275438694365451_n.jpg?oh=c5cc9875fea2811d72041656625f8f1e&oe=55101B20&__gda__=1427514741_ca3d96d5ddbc82b96dbf27473a0bc7f0)

I thought that all of my ideas suck.

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 11, 2014, 11:06:57 PM
We three kings of Numatic are;
Unbeatable suction we vaccum afar,
Curtains and carpets; dont suck your armpits,
Handheld for your car.

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 12, 2014, 10:27:39 AM
Quote from: Nathan on December 10, 2014, 04:27:43 PM
Vaccum All Ye Faithful
Quote from: the trainbasher on December 09, 2014, 10:59:43 PM
Captions please

(https://fbcdn-sphotos-a-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10428683_10152852390438116_8715275438694365451_n.jpg?oh=c5cc9875fea2811d72041656625f8f1e&oe=55101B20&__gda__=1427514741_ca3d96d5ddbc82b96dbf27473a0bc7f0)

I thought that all of my ideas suck.


Presumably the original Hoover Junior?? :)    lol
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Other Walsall Tony on December 14, 2014, 10:28:23 AM
Is there any chance of an E400 being named Alexandra Denise?  Just asking....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on December 16, 2014, 08:40:33 AM
Questions that were rejected from this years exams...

1.

Amy is 16. At least she said she was, How much trouble are you in?

2.

On the diagram below show on the body where you like to be touched.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on December 16, 2014, 03:59:26 PM
Quote from: Liam on December 16, 2014, 08:40:33 AM
Questions that were rejected from this years exams...

1.

Amy is 16. At least she said she was, How much trouble are you in?

2.

On the diagram below show on the body where you like to be touched.

Not My Jokes. Mock the week (1, Hugh Dennis.)(2, Russel Howard)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on December 16, 2014, 04:01:44 PM
Quote from: ARJ2901 on December 09, 2014, 10:47:19 PM
Here's my Xmas jokes:

George Michael has been arrested for organ trafficking as last year, someone give him there heart, and this year he's going to give it to someone special

My dad said to me "Alex, bring down the nutty fruitcake soaked in booze" So i said " Alright dad, NAN, COME ON DOWN!"

I never said they were good jokes

Alex, you really excelled yourself there!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 17, 2014, 12:58:00 AM
Quote from: Liverpool Street on December 11, 2014, 11:06:57 PM
We three kings of Numatic are;
Unbeatable suction we vaccum afar,
Curtains and carpets; dont suck your armpits,
Handheld for your car.


Nice one LS....anymore like that and you'l get Bard....get it?..b ar.. oh never mind

While sheperds washed their socks by night
all seated on the ground
the hoovers of the lord came down
and vacuum'ed-all around  :) 

I'll get my coat ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Other Walsall Tony on December 17, 2014, 05:43:27 PM
Quote from: windy miller on December 17, 2014, 12:58:00 AM
Quote from: Liverpool Street on December 11, 2014, 11:06:57 PM
We three kings of Numatic are;
Unbeatable suction we vaccum afar,
Curtains and carpets; dont suck your armpits,
Handheld for your car.


Nice one LS....anymore like that and you'l get Bard....get it?..b ar.. oh never mind

While sheperds washed their socks by night
all seated on the ground
the hoovers of the lord came down
and vacuum'ed-all around  :) 

I'll get my coat ;)

While shepherds washed their socks by night
All seated round the pot
A lump of soot came rolling down
And spoiled the blooming lot!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on December 17, 2014, 05:45:52 PM
or

While Shephers washed there socks by night

All seated on a bank

The angel of the lord came down

And taught them how to W*nk!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stu on December 17, 2014, 07:19:48 PM
While shepherds watched their flock by night
All watching BBC
The angel of the Lord came down
And turned to ITV

:-[
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on December 17, 2014, 07:36:28 PM
Quote from: Matt on December 17, 2014, 07:35:13 PM
While spotters watched their buses by night
All snapping for their Flickr
The angel of Lord Centro came down
And told them disappear.

;D ;D Good one Matt
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 24, 2014, 11:00:57 PM
Quote from: windy miller on December 23, 2014, 07:35:31 PM
I see... general category and general discussion.. bit of unnecessary  ambiguity there ? ::)

I don't see your problem with the given example of ambivalence.

Tony's forum category(s) and separation are fine, Windy.

And your topic is better here then in "Questions" ...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 25, 2014, 04:08:59 PM
Quote from: windy miller on December 25, 2014, 03:11:12 AM
Understood... but do you think the majority of money earning 'hits '( in excess of 31k) came entirely from our membership??  I doubt it very much...Casual visitors to the site may only click on a limited No of threads...I think it would be safe to say that general Discussion with a capital 'D' would not be an immediate hit.  The word 'larf' appeared to be a magnet... If the thread title had simply been changed to  Avin a Larf??..  ie  Question ?  then the thread would  be listed under 'questions'?  which the title suggests.         

As in... 'Ya avin a larf guvna?!'

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: trident4370 on December 26, 2014, 12:41:22 AM
I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on January 02, 2015, 08:49:55 PM
Quote from: Matt on January 02, 2015, 08:37:54 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32U1AzT5hFc

Oh dear!!

That's bloody brilliant ha ha ;D thanks for posting. I couldn't stop laughing
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on January 02, 2015, 09:38:26 PM
Quote from: trident4370 on December 26, 2014, 12:41:22 AM
I got one of those Dyson Ball Cleaners for Christmas.
Unfortunately, I misunderstood what it was, which is why I'm now in casualty.

:) :) :) :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: trident4370 on January 04, 2015, 01:42:15 AM
Quote from: Matt on January 02, 2015, 08:37:54 PM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=32U1AzT5hFc

Oh dear!!

Frig Off! (I chose the more family friendly quote for forum purposes :P )
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on January 13, 2015, 08:57:19 PM
A couple of days ago, my nan had a bag of peanuts and on the back it had:

Peanuts: WARNING May Contain Nuts

I thought to myself ''Seriously, why do they bother, its a bag of nuts, what else is it gonna contain, you thick morons?''



One from my Science class at school today:

As we were doing Convection and Condensation, one girl pipes up:

''Is condensed milk made of air?

I thought to myself: ''Are you ........ kidding, top set Year 10, and you have to ask that?''


The last flight i went on had a monitor saying the Outside air temperature as -56 degrees, to which i thought ''Why would i need to know that if i'm in here, and even if i do end up out there, the first thing i say, won't be ''aah, it's a bit nippy'', no, more likely it'll be ''AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, oh, look there's a hybrid on the 28, AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH''
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on January 14, 2015, 08:56:28 AM
@ARJ2901 haha, I like those Arj!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on January 28, 2015, 11:06:02 PM
BREAKING NEWS:::

Irish Muslims have taken over Dublin Zoo and are holding three ostriches!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on January 29, 2015, 08:00:17 AM
How did Osama Bin Laden get to Iraq?   

Iran :P
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Ashley on January 30, 2015, 08:17:43 PM
If light travels faster than sound. Why do some people seem brighter before they speak ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on January 30, 2015, 10:37:29 PM
Very poor advertising by Malaysia Airlines :P:

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on January 31, 2015, 11:26:05 AM
Quote from: ARJ2901 on January 30, 2015, 10:37:29 PM
Very poor advertising by Malaysia Airlines :P:



That can't be real surely?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4194 on January 31, 2015, 08:52:17 PM
Quote from: Liverpool Street on January 31, 2015, 11:26:05 AM
Quote from: ARJ2901 on January 30, 2015, 10:37:29 PM
Very poor advertising by Malaysia Airlines :P:



That can't be real surely?

Thats a bit sad if it is
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on February 05, 2015, 01:01:59 PM
Here were the sci-fi football scores:

R2D-2
C3P- NIL
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: JoNi on February 09, 2015, 07:28:33 PM
You wait for a great bus and 36 turn up at once.

https://www.flickr.com/gp/92409298@N06/4095Vh

Perhaps NX should put a notice like this on the side of their next batch of E200s..........
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on February 19, 2015, 10:07:50 PM
Tesco have brought out a new food range for the 2015 Chinese New Year, the year of the goat.

Don't be surprised to find leftovers from the year of the horse.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Ashley 60171 on February 19, 2015, 10:31:31 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on February 19, 2015, 10:07:50 PM
Tesco have brought out a new food range for the 2015 Chinese New Year, the year of the goat.

Don't be surprised to find leftovers from the year of the horse.

Ill steer clear of the cheese ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on February 23, 2015, 11:30:48 PM
Bad things to hear on a space flight:

Umm, Houston, i don't like cliches, but...

This is a passenger announcement, does anyone know how to speak Klingon?

Earlier, when i was in class, someone asked "Was 1066 the year we won the World Cup?". Mine (and everyone else's) reaction: laughter resulting in hitting our heads of the tables!

The last train i saw was an unscheduled arrival.... to be fair though, i was in TESCO at the time!!!



It turns out i have a medical condition that means i have to eat dirt three times a day to survive... lucky my brother told me, really...

My grandad can't do what he used to anymore, pity, he really loved bombing Japanese aircraft carriers

My other grandad never threw anything away. He died in the war...holding on to a hand grenade!

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on February 25, 2015, 09:17:44 PM
The creater of throat lozenges has died

There will be no coffin at his funeral
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on February 25, 2015, 09:22:50 PM
I was on my 25 to school this morning and i overheard a conversation between 2 passengers:

Passenger 1: Do you think we should be in Iraq?

Passenger 2: I should bloody hope not, i only paid to get to Wednesfield!!

I literally burst out into laughter!!  :D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on February 28, 2015, 08:07:22 PM
As i've been at a wedding in Blackpool/Poulton today, this excerpt came from the speech at the end:

''Jamie and Tanya have recently just brought an apartment, however i think it needs a bit of DIY, but don't worry, Jamie has told me that there will be a lot of screwing and banging going on!''

I nearly wet myself in laughter ;D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: JoNi on March 18, 2015, 12:39:54 PM
https://www.flickr.com/gp/92409298@N06/RvmxA1
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: JoNi on March 18, 2015, 12:55:40 PM
Only saw it as it ran off empty to garage. When I saw it again it was in the sun but got lucky as it was stuck in traffic. Just a pity they don't have route numbers and destinations on the back in Bristol!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 29, 2015, 08:20:11 PM
A group of Black country UFO enthusiasts from Dudley claim to have had several conversations with Aliens recently.  "One Day we might be able to understand what the're saying!"... Said the Aliens... :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 29, 2015, 08:56:26 PM
Had my copy of FIFA 16 delivered yesterday...Brown envelope job of course
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Tony on May 29, 2015, 09:25:15 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on May 29, 2015, 08:56:26 PM
Had my copy of FIFA 16 delivered yesterday...Brown envelope job of course

Did it come with a letter inside...

Dear purchaser
How much would it cost for you to send a letter to the FBI saying we didn't do it?
Signed
Sepp!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on May 29, 2015, 09:33:18 PM
http://www.latintimes.com/pulse/fifa-memes-best-jokes-and-images-corruption-scandal-319480


Some of these memes made me laugh! (Especially 'I can't believe its not blatter')
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 29, 2015, 09:39:29 PM
Quote from: Matt on May 29, 2015, 09:37:57 PM
I've been out all evening, have they announced yet whether Blatter has been re-elected?

Yes - he paid half the voting member to get in
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on May 29, 2015, 09:39:40 PM
A flying insect flew into my kitchen then exploded infront of me!

Think it was a Jihadi Long Legs!

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 29, 2015, 09:43:11 PM
New Fifa16 cover...

(https://scontent-lhr3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xta1/v/t34.0-12/11310957_10153291808968116_758455169_n.jpg?efg=eyJpIjoidCJ9&oh=fb9aec392156634a7b5205548c3c36d2&oe=556B7B9C)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 29, 2015, 09:44:38 PM
Went to the bookies to place a bet on Aston Villa to win against Arsenal.

They said that if they do, I'll get the keys to the shop!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 30, 2015, 04:30:28 PM
Sepp Blatter: I am convinced that FIFA and it's voting system is not corrupt.

I hope you will join me in welcoming our new members of the ethics committee: Mr Mugabe and Mr Gaddafi.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: domino.99 on May 30, 2015, 06:56:40 PM
Heres a joke, Aston Villa Winning The FA Cup
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Tony on May 30, 2015, 07:06:15 PM
This thread was locked because of stupidity appearing on it regularly. Windy Miller asked me to unlock he so he could post his jokes again and all we get is silly comments about football preferences.

It is for Jokes!

It is not for anything else
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 30, 2015, 07:17:51 PM
A South Wales bus company says it will withdraw an advertising campaign which shows an attractive semi-naked woman on the back of buses holding a billboard which reads: "Ride me all day for £3".

Local prostitutes complained the advert was misleading as it depicted an unrealistic level of attractiveness and undercut their price by 25%
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 30, 2015, 07:20:50 PM
Wonga have announced a £37m loss. What they need is a quick loan, where they don't bother with background checks then charge extortionate interest when they struggle to pay it back. Wonder where they could get that?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: domino.99 on May 30, 2015, 07:30:22 PM
Probably already known by a lot of you but here goes, more of a limerick than joke.

My friend Billy had a ten foot willy and he showed it to the girl next door.
She thought it was a whopper so cut it with a chopper and now it's only two foot four.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on May 31, 2015, 12:14:10 AM
So rumours are Atomic Kitten will represent the UK at next year's Eurovision Song Contest.

At least Kerry Katona can guarantee us 12 points from Iceland
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 31, 2015, 02:18:51 PM
Quote from: Tony on May 30, 2015, 07:06:15 PM
This thread was locked because of stupidity appearing on it regularly. Windy Miller asked me to unlock he so he could post his jokes again and all we get is silly comments about football preferences.

It is for Jokes!

It is not for anything else



Good point. I had originally hoped this page might attract a variety of transport related anecdotes and maybe a few tall stories,? (please see page 1 for examples)  but what do we get ?? Everything But!! Basically, If you wouldn't expect to hear it on TV after the watershed, and/or your post is neither funny or clever please  don't post it here OK?.. A good example?...  When I said I wanted to be a comedian everyone just laughed!...Well, Ther'e not laughing now are they?...   :)                  Bob Monkhouse R.I.P
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Alex on June 04, 2015, 08:05:56 PM
Sorry in advance for the awful jokes, by the way...


How much does a cockney spend on shampoo?

Pantene!


I thought i saw my mates name on a loaf of bread, but it turns out it only said ''Thick cut''!


As of the 10th June 2015, the drug Viagra will be sold under it's chemical name...Mycoxafloppin!

Told ya they were bad!  :)

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 07, 2015, 08:42:36 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on July 15, 2015, 08:23:09 AM
They say it is hard to make a Battenberg...

It's a piece of cake really!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 15, 2015, 09:42:55 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 25, 2015, 02:15:54 AM
 My Mrs has got some dirty habits...Every time I go to piss in the sink its always full of dirty dishes.. >:( >:( :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 01, 2015, 02:39:08 PM
 I suppose you could say our school was posh... On sports day we always had a chauffeurs race.... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 09, 2015, 11:33:31 AM
My Mrs has always had BIG teeth.. to celebrate our wedding anniversary recently she wanted a Horse drawn carriage but we decided against it so we wouldn't confuse the photographer...  ;) :) :
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 14, 2015, 03:55:21 PM
IF any of you younger souls out there would like a few 'limericks' (Dom?) I will post a few of my favourites here and take them down again on Sunday night. NB. I will ignore the most common examples!.

There was a young guy from Brighton
who said to his girl.."you've a tight un"
she said "pon my soul!
you're in the wrong hole
there's plenty of room in the right un!

that was a cute little rhyme. Sing us another one do! 


There was a young man from Bude
who 'fingered' his bird while they Queued
A guy up the front
said "I'm sure I smell C***!
out loud.... Just like that!..F'in rude!


There was a young vicar from Dee
who went "back of parish" to pee
He said 'Pax vabiscum!
why doesn't the piss come?
I must have the C.L.A.P


There was a young man from Devizes
who had two balls (different sizes)
although one was small
it was no good at all
but the other one won a few prizes!

When I sat with the duchess for tea
she asked; Do you fart when you pee?
I said 'NO' not a bit
do you belch when you S..t?
I thought that's one up for me!


There was a young man from Devizes
brought up at the local assizes
for teaching young boys
'Matrimonial' joys
and awarding French letters as prizes


When a girl got married in Leicester
her mother she kissed her and blessed her
she said "You're in Luck!
He's a rattling good f***
...I had him myself once.. in Chester!



There was a young man from Nantucket
whose tool was so long he could suck it
he said with a grin
while wiping his chin
"if my EAR was a C*** I could F*** it!



There was a young man from Bengal
who had a 'mathematical' ball
..three times its weight,
plus his tool (minus eight)
equalled twice the square root of F*** all!



There was a young man from Gwent
whose tool was exceedingly bent
to save himself trouble
he put it in double
and instead of coming ...he Went!

There was a young girl from Dee
who went down to the river to pee
a man in a punt
put his hand on her ****
God!..I wish that were me


Up jumped the Indian Mahout
"what's all this blithering about?
I spend my S***K
up an elephants trunk!
(cries of)... Shame!...He's a C***!...Chuck him out!

When the Bermondsey Bricklayers Struck
Bill Wiggins was avin a F***
Now By Union rules
he had to 'Down tools'
Now that was bleedin hard luck!



There was a young girl from Blaina
who was blessed with a giant Vagina
She said.."But of course!
I can take a big Horse..
3 dogs and dirty welsh Miner!


There was a young man from Calcutta
who always slept in the gutter
The rays of the sun burnt the hairs on his bum
and turned his nuts to butter.

There was a young woman from Cape
who was screwed by a barbarian Ape
She said:  "get off you old fool!
you've got a square tool
and you're knocking my C*** out of shape

Up in the belfry the bell ringer stood
Jerkin his dirkin as hard as he could
when down in the vestry the Verger did yell..
Stop jerkin yon Dirkin...and ring Firkin Bell!

there was a young vicar named Bings
who talked about women and things
But his favourite desire
was a boy in the choir
with a bum like a jelly...ON SPRINGS


The girls in our village are Buxom
They lies in the grass and we ***s em
When that's not worthwhile
we sits on the style
and we dangles our dicks and they sucks em!

There was a young man named Dave
Who found an old Whore in a cave
He thought it disgusting...But she only needs dusting....
.....and think of the money He'd save!



There was a young man from Australia
who painted his Ars* like a Dahlia
His 2p a smell
went down rather well
But his 5p a lick was a failure!


There was a young woman from Ealing
who had a peculiar feeling
she lay on her back
and opened her crack
then pi**ed all over the ceiling


There was a young vicar from Birmingham
who 'rogered' young boys whilst confirming 'em
as they Knelt on their sacks
he opened their cracks
and pumped his episcopal sperm in'em..


There was a young man from Troon
who was born 3 months too soon
he hadn't the luck to be born from a F**k
just a wank-off shoved in with a spoon....









a few naval related ditties..........

The Ship cook's name was Maybel
whenever she was able
would give the crew
their daily 'do'
under the chartroom table...

Now along came dirty Dick..
He was the captain of a lugger
but he wasn't fit to shovel S**t
He's a F*****g dirty b****r.....


Her took her on the chartroom floor
his tool was black as charcoal
he screwed her till her tits were blue
and sparks flew out of her AR** hole...


There was a young woman named May
who got screwed on a boat one day
they flexed her vagina
on a slow boat to china
And China's a bleed'in long way!




Little boy kneels at the foot of the bed..
Lily white hands are caressing his head...
OH My!..Couldn't be worse..
Christopher Robin is shagging his nurse...

Little boy kneels at the foot of the stairs
clutched in his hand are a bunch of white hairs
Oh My!. Fancy that
Christopher robin has castrated the cat!

little boy sits on the lavatory pan
gently caressing his little old man
flip-flop into the tank
Christopher robin is avin a w**k



now sing along with me.....

A dirty jockstrap in an empty taxi..
Disgusting noises from a horses jacksie..
Oh how the bed still springs
these wonderful things
remind me of you...


That old park bench we used to have our shags on..
that rusty nail you used to hang your rags on..
Oh how the smell still clings
these wonderful things
remind me of you..


There was a young woman from Looe who was screwed by a vicar in Crewe,
she said to the vicar..'The verger is quicker!
and slicker! and thicker!
and three inches longer than you!



Oscar wilde was a cunning git
he threw the lad a plum
when he bent down to pick it up
he screwed him up the bum......


A boy stood on the burning deck
with a pocketful of crackers
a lighted match fell down his leg
and blew off both his knackers.......


A boy stood on the burning deck
picking his nose like mad
he rolled it up in little balls
and flicked them at his dad......







































yes Leeds and Ealing ...we've all heard those thanks  so don't bother.  :) :) :)









Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on August 15, 2015, 02:16:45 PM
You're a goodun Miller.

Made me chuckle, these.

I've no jokes worth mentioning.

Keep them coming.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 16, 2015, 04:51:50 PM
Quote from: Liverpool Street on August 15, 2015, 02:16:45 PM
You're a goodun Miller.

Made me chuckle, these.

I've no jokes worth mentioning.

Keep them coming.




Thanks LS... I've just put another 5 on :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 16, 2015, 05:02:11 PM
 A woman went to a theatrical agent claiming to be a contortionist ..
The agent said...Really?. " how flexible are you?
The woman replied... "I can't do Tuesdays.... :o :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4194 on August 16, 2015, 06:54:35 PM
Quote from: windy miller on August 16, 2015, 05:02:11 PM
A woman went to a theatrical agent claiming to be a contortionist ..
The agent said...Really?. " how flexible are you?
The woman replied... "I can't do Tuesdays.... :o :)

The latest 3 are very funny
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: trident4370 on August 16, 2015, 11:03:26 PM
A man goes for an interview as a bus driver.
When he gets there, the interviewer says, "You're 40 minutes late! The job's yours."
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on August 17, 2015, 10:38:42 PM
I could never cheat in a relationship as it would require two people to find me attractive
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on August 26, 2015, 07:27:19 AM
Q: What's the difference between a 'Hippo' and a 'Zippo'?


A: One's really heavy, the other is a little lighter...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: The Leeds Lad on August 29, 2015, 04:05:58 PM
If you've never visited Leeds, you won't get this joke.

A brand spanking new First Leeds bus went through Beeston earlier. It was lost for a few days, then exited days later with 3 wheels, 2 windows, 1/4 of the display remaining and the First logo was gratified on to say "Last". ;D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 29, 2015, 07:36:58 PM
Quote from: The Leeds Lad on August 29, 2015, 04:05:58 PM
If you've never visited Leeds, you won't get this joke.

A brand spanking new First Leeds bus went through Beeston earlier. It was lost for a few days, then exited days later with 3 wheels, 2 windows, 1/4 of the display remaining and the First logo was gratified on to say "Last". ;D




Yes I have been to Leeds many times. I go there often to visit my hubcaps >:(..... I know the area well enough. If you see a cat with a tail you know it has to be a tourist... if its on fire just dial 999 and you'll get the Bengal lancers... :)    When I visited a club in cross flats there was so much broken glass on the floor the Alsatian was wearing slippers! :)


If you don't know much about brum you may not understand this common joke...

There was a woman from Neachells who had so much IRON in her blood she would sell her towels to Taroni's... :o :o         I actually met her once...I said " can I smell your Fanny??? she said "Certainly not ..you dirty bas****! I said In that case ..it must be your feet then.. >:(

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on August 30, 2015, 01:14:46 PM
Quote from: windy miller on August 29, 2015, 07:36:58 PM



Yes I have been to Leeds many times. I go there often to visit my hubcaps >:(...
..

There was a woman from Neachells who had so much IRON in her blood she would sell her towels to Taroni's... :o :o

Hahahaha
Windy, you kill me
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on August 31, 2015, 09:56:22 PM
A vicar went to an infirm member of his congregation at their home, during the visit he noticed a glass bowl filled with water, floating this bowl was a condom, naturally curious, he asked the lady...

'God bless Edith, but what is this condom doing here?'
to which the lady replies
'You see vicar, when I was out at the newsagent, I found it on the floor. the packet said: 'place on an organ to prevent disease' but you see, I didn't have an organ so I thought the piano would surfice...'


Thank You, Thank You...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on September 04, 2015, 11:45:32 AM
Quote from: windy miller on September 03, 2015, 12:19:57 PM
I see Anthea turner is making her TV comeback after several years... I've told her that if she wants to see my come back she can wipe it off her sisters teeth! :o :o :o :o :)

I told this to the wife. She didn't find it as funny as I did . Ha ha . Grand job.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: BK63 YWP on September 17, 2015, 05:28:04 PM
Probably a bad pun but hey

When 2249 arrives her hips don't lie
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: trident4370 on September 24, 2015, 08:51:29 PM
Not quite a joke but someone who went to Showbus this weekend has a good sense of humour. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJjsfmL1Sww
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on September 24, 2015, 08:57:43 PM
@trident4370 hahaha that's funny :)

New bus enthusiasts program on BBC One -The Great British Bash Off :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: trident4370 on September 24, 2015, 09:00:21 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on September 24, 2015, 08:57:43 PM
@trident4370 hahaha that's funny :)

New bus enthusiasts program on BBC One -The Great British Bash Off :)
That title does not suggest a BBC friendly program!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on September 24, 2015, 09:07:18 PM
Quote from: trident4370 on September 24, 2015, 09:00:21 PM
That title does not suggest a BBC friendly program!

That's got the BBC written all over it ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on September 25, 2015, 04:16:04 PM
Based on a post in the Diamond thread from a Diamond Drivers POV.

"Just got back off lunch to find someone loved me...I had a note on my window saying Parking Fine!"

[/tumbleweed]
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on September 28, 2015, 08:15:14 AM
Quote from: the trainbasher on January 24, 2014, 01:08:38 AM
If Justin Bieber does go to jail...

That'll be the first piece of **** those prisoners have seen for years.


So France's first lady has "extreme fatigue" after learning of her husband's affair.

I don't know why she's tired.

He's the one juggling two women.


How quickly things change in politics ...

Yesterday, Scotland First Minister Alex Salmond was accused of wasting taxpayers' money by staying in a hotel frequented by stars including Justin Bieber.

Today, she is being accused of lowering the tone of his office by staying in a hotel frequented by junkies and criminals including Justin Bieber.


"Victoria Line closes as control room is flooded with concrete".

This situation is gonna get a lot harder.


Alex Salmond is (unfortunately for her) a female
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 28, 2015, 08:16:09 PM
Quote from: windy miller on August 09, 2015, 11:33:31 AM
My Mrs has always had BIG teeth.. to celebrate our wedding anniversary recently she wanted a Horse drawn carriage but we decided against it so we wouldn't confuse the photographer...  ;) :) :)


Mind you she has always been much sought after.... unfortunately by ivory hunters :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on October 04, 2015, 10:05:31 PM
You want to hear a joke I hear you cry?


Watch Parliament Live for five minutes... That is a joke...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Tony on October 05, 2015, 10:50:24 AM
Quote from: Liam on September 28, 2015, 08:15:14 AM
Alex Salmond is (unfortunately for her) a female

When did he get the gender reassignment?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on October 07, 2015, 09:37:45 PM
Hi, I am Aleksandr Meerkat... To qualify for second free meerkat toy you must invade Ukraine.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 12, 2015, 04:31:43 PM
      Try a few tongue-twisters the next time you get pi***d up...eg : Sailing down the river in a rough cut punt. Not a punt cut rough but a rough cut punt... :) :)


Better still.... I'm Not a Pheasant plucker I'm a Pheasant pluckers mate. I'm only plucking Pheasants cos the Pheasant pluckers late!...... :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on October 12, 2015, 09:26:32 PM
This one always makes me laugh:
https://youtu.be/-viO-8TKOc4
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on October 12, 2015, 10:17:15 PM
Quote from: windy miller on October 12, 2015, 04:31:43 PM
      Try a few tongue-twisters the next time you get pi***d up...eg : Sailing down the river in a rough cut punt. Not a punt cut rough but a rough cut punt... :) :)


Better still.... I'm Not a Pheasant plucker I'm a Pheasant pluckers mate. I'm only plucking Pheasants cos the Pheasant pluckers late!...... :o :o

Ah old Bill Maynard coming in strong

I laughed heartily at these, took me back to naughty days! Haha keep them coming, still no buses
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Rob H on October 14, 2015, 08:46:43 PM
Thought I'd share this

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UgGdLrHwpbY
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on October 16, 2015, 11:05:19 PM
Q: What is the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?

A: A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again...


You have been a wonderful audience, goodnight!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on October 17, 2015, 07:55:56 AM
Teacher: What does a chicken give us?

Students: KFC

Teacher: What does a pig give us?

Students: Bacon

Teacher: What does a fat cow give us?

Students: Homework! :D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 18, 2015, 02:53:36 AM
Quote from: Liverpool Street on October 12, 2015, 10:17:15 PM
Ah old Bill Maynard coming in strong

I laughed heartily at these, took me back to naughty days! Haha keep them coming, still no buses


Ah.. The naughty days....days when your Mrs never knew the real reason why you always watched TISWAS  on a Saturday morning ;) ;)....   or the time A bus conductress caught me drinking alcohol on the top deck when I was only 14!... when she caught me with a fag on she asked " Smoking as well?... do you want to get me into trouble???... I replied " anytime Bab!what time do you finish?????.......... :) :) :)

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on October 18, 2015, 08:30:30 AM
Quote from: windy miller on October 18, 2015, 02:53:36 AM

Ah.. The naughty days....days when your Mrs never knew the real reason why you always watched TISWAS  on a Saturday morning ;) ;)....   or the time A bus conductress caught me drinking alcohol on the top deck when I was only 14!... when she caught me with a fag on she asked " Smoking as well?... do you want to get me into trouble???... I replied " anytime Bab!what time do you finish?????.......... :) :) :)

What is TISWAS? If you don't mind me asking...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: domino.99 on October 18, 2015, 08:36:55 AM
Quote from: Liam on October 18, 2015, 08:30:30 AM
What is TISWAS? If you don't mind me asking...

Google it.  ::)

I'll save you the effort, it was a childrens TV series in the '70s
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on October 18, 2015, 08:38:08 AM
Quote from: Liam on October 18, 2015, 08:30:30 AM
What is TISWAS? If you don't mind me asking...
It was a kids show in the 70's.

See here:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiswas
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on October 18, 2015, 08:42:21 AM
Quote from: Dom on October 18, 2015, 08:36:55 AM
Google it.  ::)

I'll save you the effort, it was a childrens TV series in the '70s

oh...  :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 23, 2015, 09:11:23 PM
 As Jesus walked into the city of Jerusalem he was pelted with rotten fruit and bricks... In his defence he announced:  " let they who are without SIN cast the first stone!..  at which point a large brick suddenly hit him across the back of his head...Jesus immediately turned and said;.." you know Mother...sometimes you really P*** me off!!!  :o :) :)



If Thomas (or anyone else) has reason to doubt the truth of the above narrative I can assure them the story was told to me by 2 eye witness's... Bruce Forsyth and Carol Vorderman... :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: LiamthebusGuy on November 02, 2015, 08:12:49 AM
UKIP - Racist in public so you don't have to be!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 08, 2015, 02:54:09 PM
   Had a good drink in Manchester yesterday... Double whiskey and carrot juice..#. got totally pi**ed but I could see for F'in miles... :).
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on November 09, 2015, 10:13:45 PM
Found a problem with naming the hybrids... My girlfriend was not happy when she found out I rode Abigail all the way to Wednesfield... Even worse when I had rode Donna Marie back!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on November 10, 2015, 01:06:33 PM
This driver really is a W**ker!:
http://metro.co.uk/2015/11/10/bus-driver-suspended-after-he-was-filmed-pleasuring-himself-between-two-seats-5491004/?ito=facebook
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on November 10, 2015, 09:26:20 PM
This brings a whole new meaning to 'riding a bus' and by the looks of things, that driver had a bit of a 'bumpy ride'

:o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 14, 2015, 04:44:43 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on November 15, 2015, 06:22:38 PM
@windy miller

If that is number 26, what is number 1???

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 29, 2015, 04:46:39 PM
while making our annual 'Turkey shoot' to east Anglia yesterday I found myself listening to the popular Norfolk radio programme 'farming today'. In a conversation with a well known poultry farmer, when asked about the advantage in providing  a 'hard standing' for his caged hens the farmer replied: I can recommend it.. "if you want a good Lay you need a firm bottom"....... :) 

I couldn't agree more ....  ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on November 29, 2015, 05:09:28 PM
Quote from: windy miller on November 29, 2015, 04:46:39 PM
while making our annual 'Turkey shoot' to east Anglia yesterday I found myself listening to the popular Norfolk radio programme 'farming today'. In a conversation with a well known poultry farmer, when asked about the advantage in providing  a 'hard standing' for his caged hens the farmer replied: I can recommend it.. "if you want a good Lay you need a firm bottom"....... :) 

I couldn't agree more ....  ;)

...still no buses
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 02, 2015, 03:07:54 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: domino.99 on December 02, 2015, 09:56:28 PM
http://www.theladbible.com/articles/have-you-ever-wondered-why-bus-seats-are-designed-so-hideously-here-s-the-answer?tblrcrc
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 03, 2015, 11:31:17 AM
Quote from: windy miller on November 14, 2015, 04:44:43 PM
   Things only my Mrs would say:  No26.  ... We need a longer dipstick.. This one doesn't reach the oil........ :'(


No. 27..... "Are you getting close???...My arm's getting tired........ ;) ;) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 04, 2015, 02:00:49 AM
Quote from: windy miller on December 03, 2015, 11:31:17 AM

No. 27..... "Are you getting close???...My arm's getting tired........ ;) ;) :)

Hahahaha
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on December 04, 2015, 07:10:18 AM
FOR SALE:

Very damaged barometer

Fifty Quid, need a buyer. No Pressure.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on December 13, 2015, 05:45:09 PM
Q: What is the difference between a Magician's wand and a Policeman's baton?

A: One is used for Cunning Stunts, the other is used for Stunning Cunts

;) :D :o


Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on December 13, 2015, 07:01:57 PM
Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on December 14, 2015, 11:47:03 AM
Quote from: GeminiFan1991 on December 13, 2015, 07:01:57 PM
Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

That one got me ha ha ha
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on December 14, 2015, 01:21:36 PM
Quote from: windy miller on December 14, 2015, 01:12:24 PM


what's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?..  One of them shoots but can't hit............ 8)


What's the difference between a librarian and diarrhoea? One's a Shushing Git....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 19, 2015, 01:07:28 AM
Quote from: windy miller on November 14, 2015, 04:44:43 PM
   Things only my Mrs would say:  No26.  ... We need a longer dipstick.. This one doesn't reach the oil........ :
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 26, 2015, 01:46:19 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on December 27, 2015, 07:01:09 PM
Number 30...   "pull it... it might turn on"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 27, 2015, 07:46:43 PM
Quote from: Liam on December 27, 2015, 07:01:09 PM
Number 30...   "pull it... it might turn on"


so when did you meet my Mrs?????
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 27, 2015, 07:55:35 PM
..Maybe I should shower more often!..  As my Mrs is currently suffering from a chronic case of Tinsel-itis :) I bought her something special this Christmas.... Flavoured condoms.   She said " MMmmm!...That's different! Stinking bishop cheese and Garlic flavour?.. I said thanks >:( I haven't put one on yet!! >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on January 02, 2016, 12:01:13 PM
... still no buses ...

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on January 02, 2016, 08:23:43 PM
Guy goes to the doctors and says,

"Doctor i have a mince pie stuck in my ass"

"Don't worry" the Doctor replies "I have some cream for that"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 03, 2016, 02:53:34 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: BK63 YWP on January 30, 2016, 11:56:56 PM
http://cityfoxgroup.co.uk/bus-services/4590830790

The bus that runs on one day of the year route 65 New Years Day Only...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Kiewii on January 31, 2016, 12:43:29 AM
Quote from: Chris on January 30, 2016, 11:56:56 PM
http://cityfoxgroup.co.uk/bus-services/4590830790

The bus that runs on one day of the year route 65 New Years Day Only...

And they have 20,000 employees! Incredible for just one bus route
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: NXWM Spectra on January 31, 2016, 09:03:14 AM
And still no buses!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 31, 2016, 01:11:11 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on January 31, 2016, 06:17:07 PM
Quote from: windy miller on December 27, 2015, 07:46:43 PM

so when did you meet my Mrs?????

A few weeks back, we had a rendezvous behind Tesco's...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on January 31, 2016, 06:17:49 PM

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 01, 2016, 11:42:00 AM
Quote from: Liam on January 31, 2016, 06:17:07 PM
A few weeks back, we had a rendezvous behind Tesco's...


       Yes I remember now did she find your teddy eventually?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on February 01, 2016, 11:53:26 AM
Quote from: Liam on January 31, 2016, 06:17:49 PM
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"


Ha! Good one
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on February 01, 2016, 11:57:30 AM
This woman was with 4 bus drivers and they were "doing it". She sat their fairly unamused as the drivers did their business but she couldn't contain herself when they call came at once !
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 01, 2016, 01:33:33 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Jay on February 01, 2016, 06:48:11 PM
Quote from: Liam on January 31, 2016, 06:17:49 PM
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Ha Ha Ha
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on February 03, 2016, 07:03:27 PM
Quote from: GeminiFan1991 on February 01, 2016, 11:57:30 AM
This woman was with 4 bus drivers and they were "doing it". She sat their fairly unamused as the drivers did their business but she couldn't contain herself when they call came at once !

Haha nice one ha
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on February 04, 2016, 09:37:57 AM
Quote from: Chris on January 30, 2016, 11:56:56 PM
http://cityfoxgroup.co.uk/bus-services/4590830790

The bus that runs on one day of the year route 65 New Years Day Only...

Their fares are good value!

http://cityfoxgroup.co.uk/65-fares/4591353947
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 04, 2016, 05:22:01 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on February 05, 2016, 02:23:22 PM
Quote from: Liam on February 04, 2016, 09:37:57 AM
Their fares are good value!

http://cityfoxgroup.co.uk/65-fares/4591353947

I wonder what thier profit margins are l m a o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Adam 404 on February 05, 2016, 08:38:36 PM
"Facts" Fleet size of 7 and work force of 6??? LOGIC!!!!

http://cityfoxgroup.co.uk/kernowfox/4589579257

Why do people feel the need to create an illegitimate website about absolute rubbish?

The most unrealistic rubbish I have ever read!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Dom on February 05, 2016, 09:28:53 PM
There ''Managing Director'' looks about 10!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: BK63 YWP on February 05, 2016, 09:37:07 PM
Back to @windy miller for more jokes :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 06, 2016, 02:03:38 AM
 Thanks....When things go right (or so they say)
                   life is just a song
                but a mans worth while
                     if he can smile
                      when everything's gone f'n wrong.....
                                                   
                                             A. Hitler 1945 :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on February 06, 2016, 08:52:31 PM
@windy miller good old Adolf haha haa
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on February 06, 2016, 09:56:20 PM
I didnt know how good I was on the phone when I rang up customer services and they mentioned my call could be used for training purposes !
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liam on February 09, 2016, 03:22:59 PM
I have a call recorder on my phone, for safety purposes, and to spread gossip...

I am available 9-5
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 17, 2016, 12:35:20 AM
 Relatives of the late J saville have tidied up his grave recently to leave just a small hole and a little bush.... Its what he would have wanted apparently..... :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: MW on February 19, 2016, 01:53:08 PM
Quote from: windy miller on February 19, 2016, 02:30:36 AM
Apparently you can legally change one letter of your surname by law for a fee of £5.  Paul mArton became Paul mErton  and the presenter Brian CAnt said it was the best fiver he had ever spent... :)

Deed poll is £15. Change your name 12 times in a year with about 5 bank accounts on each name. That's 60 accounts at the end, and obviously "run" them for a bit. And one by one do various charge backs and "money missing" and end of the year aim to have around 300 grand.

Anyway...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 20, 2016, 03:47:39 AM
M/t




Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 20, 2016, 04:09:17 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on February 23, 2016, 11:09:55 PM
THE PARKING OFFICERS FUNERAL

As the coffin is being lowered into the grave, a voice from inside screams

"I am alive, I am alive"

The vicar smiles, leaning forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters

"to fucking late pal, I've already done the paperwork!!"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on February 24, 2016, 08:19:48 AM
The guy who created predictive text has died.

His Funfair is next Monkey.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on February 24, 2016, 10:35:35 AM
I've just read a report that cardboard packaging made from recycled newsprint can cause cancer. 
I'm really worried now as for many years I've been buying my cigarettes packaged in this stuff. 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 26, 2016, 03:40:05 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 01, 2016, 02:45:09 AM
  An unfortunate and tragic accident occurred recently at a well known brewery in Burton on Trent when an employee had drowned after falling into a Vat of beer. After her initial distress his wife asked; " did he suffer much?"...to which the doctor replied.." I doubt it!... He got out twice for a piss!... :o :o :o :)   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 05, 2016, 08:29:18 PM
    Judge: did you see the defendant touching young children at any time?
      witness:  No sir
    Judge: Did you see the defendant hold his young baby out of a window?
     witness:  No Sir.
    Judge:  Thank you Mr Wonder,  you may step down. :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 05, 2016, 08:35:34 PM
M/T
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 13, 2016, 04:33:18 PM
M/T
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on April 13, 2016, 05:00:27 PM
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbor I asked him "Excuse me sir, is this yours?"
He just blanked me the ignorant git !
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 14, 2016, 03:52:21 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 23, 2016, 02:37:57 AM
 On a company 'bonding' week-end in southern Ireland in the late 70's I had the misfortune to find myself sharing a twin bed room with a junior from our accounts dept.  After an exhausting day the last thing I wanted was the sound of his incessant snoring.  Although I had been warned earlier by an older colleague, (who later asked me if I had any sleep!).. I said 'YES'.. I just gave him a big kiss on both cheeks and said : goodnight darling!. I had no problem after that as This young guy had apparently been awake the entire night watching ME :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 28, 2016, 02:48:39 PM
..On our recent flight from Heathrow to New York an announcement was made over the P/A system to say that the Pilot had been taken ill and medical assistance would be appreciated.
Fair enough... but when the CO PILOT emerged from the cabin wearing a parachute telling us he was going for help we were a bit apprehensive..... :o :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 17, 2016, 07:48:31 PM
The entertainments manager Louis Walsh was recently approached by a young woman with the unusual ability to whistle through her Vagina. After a few bars of the popular 'Mexican whistler' a surprised and delighted Louis immediately phoned Simon C and asked him to listen. At which point the woman then gave a wonderful performance of "if I were a Blackbird I'd....etc....Down the phone line. " What do you make of that?.". Said Louis... "No Idea! said Simon... "sounds like some cu*t whistling .......... :o :) :) :) :)   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on May 20, 2016, 07:25:10 PM
Quote from: windy miller on May 20, 2016, 05:21:58 PM
I heard that colleen Rooney was having some cosmetic surgery on her Ars*hole... ?  Apparently He's having hair transplants....  :o :o :)

Someone should tell him they do faces now !
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 05, 2016, 06:31:38 PM
 What's the difference between an American cockerel, an English cockerel, and my Ex Gf ?.... Easy!... An English Cockerel sings Cock a doodle do..... An American cockerel sings Yankee doodle do..... And my Ex sings....ANY cock'l Do!! >:(  >:( :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on June 08, 2016, 07:23:39 PM
Quote from: windy miller on June 05, 2016, 06:31:38 PM
What's the difference between an American cockerel, an English cockerel, and my Ex Gf ?.... Easy!... An English Cockerel sings Cock a doodle do..... An American cockerel sings Yankee doodle do..... And my Ex sings....ANY cock'l Do!! >:(  >:( :)

Hahaha
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on June 10, 2016, 06:12:03 PM
I don't understand the hype around Carlsberg.
I found a can on a wall, and it tasted like piss.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on June 10, 2016, 06:46:58 PM
I went on a positive thinking course the other day.....

It was Shit.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on June 18, 2016, 08:36:24 PM
"Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like,"
said my girlfriend's breasts.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on June 19, 2016, 12:40:34 AM
Quote from: GeminiFan1991 on June 18, 2016, 08:36:24 PM
"Sometimes I wonder if you even remember what my face looks like,"
said my girlfriend's breasts.

Love it hahaha
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 23, 2016, 06:03:13 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: JoNi on June 27, 2016, 05:30:24 PM
Panic over, the pound is still as strong as ever it released my trolley in asda same as it did on Thursday
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on June 27, 2016, 10:42:42 PM
I really wanted to surprise my Wife for her Birthday.
So I introduced her to my girlfriend.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 28, 2016, 02:05:21 AM
Quote from: GeminiFan1991 on June 27, 2016, 10:42:42 PM
I really wanted to surprise my Wife for her Birthday.
So I introduced her to my girlfriend.


  I gave my Mrs a surprise on her birthday....As I said to her.." you know how you always wanted to see the world?... she said "Goodness...you havn't..have you?. I said yes. I have... I've bought you an Atlas.... :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Dom on June 28, 2016, 07:43:13 AM
I had a A4 sized venomous snake come through my letter box yesterday. Turns out it was an Amazon mix up
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Isle of Stroma on June 28, 2016, 08:02:18 AM
Special offer on at Iceland, they'll give you two for one.....

"No Woy, that's not what they meant by brexit"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 28, 2016, 11:40:15 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on June 28, 2016, 07:18:23 PM
I treated the wife to one of those fish pedicures and I have to say I'm pleasantly surprised.
Those piranhas don't f*ck about !
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on June 28, 2016, 11:37:34 PM
Avin a larf? Roy Hodgson's performance!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 29, 2016, 12:51:51 AM
 As Wayne Rooney said in an interview after the match....."I only have three weakness's..
   Football and maths........................... ::)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 03, 2016, 02:59:25 PM
Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on July 04, 2016, 02:16:06 AM
Quote from: GeminiFan1991 on July 03, 2016, 02:59:25 PM
Have you ever started to eat a horse and then realised that you weren't that hungry after all?

Hahaha surely an opening for some sort of risqué humour from our in-house @windy miller
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 04, 2016, 03:26:33 AM
Quote from: Liverpool Street on July 04, 2016, 02:16:06 AM
Hahaha surely an opening for some sort of risqué humour from our in-house @windy miller


..These 'all you can eat' offers at Tesco's aren't what they used to be :) ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 04, 2016, 03:36:44 AM
empty
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 04, 2016, 05:59:01 PM
Some guy knocked on my door today and said "I have a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate".
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 11, 2016, 12:17:31 AM
If there was a competition for saggy t*ts, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 11, 2016, 07:24:15 PM
 My Mrs knows how to brighten up a room....usually by walking away from the window...fat git >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 11, 2016, 09:13:24 PM
Quote from: windy miller on July 11, 2016, 07:24:15 PM
My Mrs knows how to brighten up a room....usually by walking away from the window...fat git >:( >:(

Haha ! Nice one,
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on July 12, 2016, 12:49:20 AM
Quote from: windy miller on July 11, 2016, 07:24:15 PM
My Mrs knows how to brighten up a room....usually by walking away from the window...fat git >:( >:(

10/10
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 12, 2016, 01:17:58 PM
Quote from: GeminiFan1991 on July 11, 2016, 12:17:31 AM
If there was a competition for saggy t*ts, my wife would beat everyone.
In fact, she'd wipe the floor with them.



As I sat across the breakfast table this morning my Mrs said.." My nipples are as hot today as they were 30 years ago!.... I said I'm not surprised.... You've got one in your porridge and the other ones in your tea!.. >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 12, 2016, 03:14:21 PM
Quote from: windy miller on July 12, 2016, 01:17:58 PM


As I sat across the breakfast table this morning my Mrs said.." My nipples are as hot today as they were 30 years ago!.... I said I'm not surprised.... You've got one in your porridge and the other ones in your tea!.. >:( >:( >:(

Haha !  :D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on July 13, 2016, 12:24:52 AM
Quote from: windy miller on July 12, 2016, 01:17:58 PM


As I sat across the breakfast table this morning my Mrs said.." My nipples are as hot today as they were 30 years ago!.... I said I'm not surprised.... You've got one in your porridge and the other ones in your tea!.. >:( >:( >:(

Hahaha 11/10
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 15, 2016, 01:30:36 PM
empty
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 15, 2016, 11:42:38 PM
Just failed my theory test.
Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 17, 2016, 03:24:37 PM
 On our holiday in Torquay the deckchair attendant asked my Mrs to move off the beach as the tide was waiting to come in... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 18, 2016, 08:58:42 PM
"I'm not racist", I said to my mate, "but I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally"
"....but that's not racist", he said
"Exactly" I replied, "I said I wasn't racist".

:D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Liverpool Street on July 19, 2016, 10:36:18 AM
Quote from: GeminiFan1991 on July 18, 2016, 08:58:42 PM
"I'm not racist", I said to my mate, "but I prefer my sandwiches cut diagonally"
"....but that's not racist", he said
"Exactly" I replied, "I said I wasn't racist".

:D

Hahaha I like it
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 20, 2016, 08:42:25 PM
My wife said she wanted to go McDonald's. I said I'd take her if she could spell it.
We ended up at KFC. 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on July 20, 2016, 10:07:51 PM
My mate got the vacuum stuck up his Arse earlier when I rang a&e to see how he was they replied he's picking up nicely
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 21, 2016, 11:11:31 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on July 21, 2016, 02:42:53 PM
Came home the other night the wife and her two friends greeted me at the door
With a big smile on her face she said do you fancy a foursome
5 min later I came running downstairs nothin on with my dick in my hand
Only to be greeted by them with tennis rackets in theres
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Dom on July 21, 2016, 03:31:54 PM
Quote from: karl724223 on July 21, 2016, 02:42:53 PM
Came home the other night the wife and her two friends greeted me at the door
With a big smile on her face she said do you fancy a foursome
5 min later I came running downstairs nothin on with my dick in my hand
Only to be greeted by them with tennis rackets in theres

Brilliant!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 21, 2016, 03:54:54 PM
Quote from: karl724223 on July 21, 2016, 02:42:53 PM
Came home the other night the wife and her two friends greeted me at the door
With a big smile on her face she said do you fancy a foursome
5 min later I came running downstairs nothin on with my dick in my hand
Only to be greeted by them with tennis rackets in theres

Haha ! Nice one !
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Squiz1971 on July 21, 2016, 04:42:50 PM
Quote from: karl724223 on July 21, 2016, 02:42:53 PM
Came home the other night the wife and her two friends greeted me at the door
With a big smile on her face she said do you fancy a foursome
5 min later I came running downstairs nothin on with my dick in my hand
Only to be greeted by them with tennis rackets in theres
It's a cracker!!! rofpmsl.  Yuk what a mess I made  ???
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 22, 2016, 06:39:22 PM
My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're having a shit."
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on July 27, 2016, 12:26:55 AM
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"Can you have a look at," he says, "I think he's cross-eyed"
So the vet picks up the dog and examines him.
"I'm going to have to put him down" says the vet.
"Why, just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No" says the vet, "Because he's heavy" !  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on August 07, 2016, 06:36:46 PM
How do you fit 10,000 Ghastly on a step dart?

You Pokémon...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on August 15, 2016, 04:22:58 PM
Just bin watching the sailing in the olympics
England took the gold
USA took the silver
And the Somalians took the boat
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: V89MOA on August 15, 2016, 08:16:57 PM
Quote from: karl724223 on August 15, 2016, 04:22:58 PM
Just bin watching the sailing in the olympics
England took the gold
USA took the silver
And the Somalians took the boat

This has made my week  :D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stu on August 16, 2016, 07:04:47 PM
Quote from: karl724223 on August 15, 2016, 04:22:58 PM
Just bin watching the sailing in the olympics
England took the gold
USA took the silver
And the Somalians took the boat

While the Romanians took whatever metal was left!  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 17, 2016, 03:02:58 AM
 I've just been watching the men's foil competition at the Olympics...The Russian fencing team took the gold, the French fencing team took the silver, and the Irish fencing team took 6 rolls of wire netting and a bag of nails.... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on August 17, 2016, 10:10:17 PM
Tomorrow, I'm going to open up the time capsule I made when I was a Kid.
I can't wait to see how big my puppy is !
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on August 23, 2016, 08:58:32 PM
In the weekly health and safety meeting
When asked what steps I would take in the event of a fire
Apparently fooking big ones wasn't the right answer
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4194 on August 24, 2016, 08:44:56 AM
Quote from: karl724223 on August 23, 2016, 08:58:32 PM
In the weekly health and safety meeting
When asked what steps I would take in the event of a fire
Apparently fooking big ones wasn't the right answer


😂😂😂
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on September 08, 2016, 07:19:05 PM
Pulled this gypsy bird last night ,she asked me if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.
She wasn't fooking kidding
I went on the dodgems , waltzers , ghost train and had my palm read
And I even came home with a fooking gold fish 😂
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Dom on September 08, 2016, 08:45:31 PM
Quote from: karl724223 on September 08, 2016, 07:19:05 PM
Pulled this gypsy bird last night ,she asked me if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.
She wasn't fooking kidding
I went on the dodgems , waltzers , ghost train and had my palm read
And I even came home with a fooking gold fish 😂

LMFAO! That's quality @karl724223
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 09, 2016, 12:08:27 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on September 09, 2016, 01:07:01 AM
I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly, she went pale and sprinted from the room. So I grabbed the crystal ball, chased the bitch down and beat her to death.
I wonder what the fuck she saw in that thing.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: JoNi on September 12, 2016, 10:15:52 AM
While having a thoroughly enjoyable day roaring round on Leyland buses at the Merseyside Transport Trust running day (highly recommended) a Crosville Bristol RE went past as we waited in Aigburth. A seven year old boy sitting opposite me said to his father "That door on the back of the bus is where they get the wheelchair in".
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on September 12, 2016, 04:03:14 PM
30 gypsies turn up at the gates to heaven
God tells St. Peter to tell them there's only room for 12 and to sort it out between themselves
After 30 min St. Peter tells God they've gone
God replys what all of them
St. Peter replys  no the gates
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on September 12, 2016, 04:05:10 PM
Paddy comes home walks in the kitchen as sees his wife next to the washing machine with two bricks under the one side
Paddy says what the fook you doing
His wife replys I'm doing the washing at 30 degrees you thick twat
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 22, 2016, 06:22:33 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on October 06, 2016, 10:38:02 PM
My girlfriend asked me earlier when I last had sex with someone that wasn't her, I said:
"Back in 08."
It sounds much better than 'August'.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on October 13, 2016, 04:26:20 PM
What's the female version of a man cave called?

It's called the kitchen 😂
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 20, 2016, 08:33:45 PM
 A local University study group has been trying to evaluate which of the following may be the fastest.....(A) greased Lightning.. (B) Rat up a drainpipe..  (c) Shit off a Shovel or   (d)..
  ...  a  Volvo B7r on dead mileage....... :o        WN drivers take note
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Kevin on October 20, 2016, 08:52:34 PM
Recent evidence suggests dinosaurs died out because they had no skin or vital organs, just bones.....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on October 20, 2016, 09:43:56 PM
A fly landed on my balls.
Hardest situation of my life.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on October 21, 2016, 09:23:55 PM
Went to dudlay zoo today I saw a baguette in a cage
The keeper said it was bread in captivity
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on October 29, 2016, 08:56:42 PM
Bloody hell just been told the clocks go back tonight
I can't remember where I had them from and I don't think I still have the receipt
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 08, 2016, 01:15:03 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 08, 2016, 01:21:01 PM
Quote from: karl724223 on October 21, 2016, 09:23:55 PM
Went to dudlay zoo today I saw a baguette in a cage
The keeper said it was bread in captivity


...I think that should read Dudloi?...............A local guy went to collect his new Suit from
a gents outfitters in 'Dudloi'.... He was very pleased.. The outfitter asked him.."Would Sir like
a Kipper Tie?.... Arh..said the guy...Milk and Tow Sugars ourkid... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on November 08, 2016, 10:42:01 PM
I phoned in sick this morning saying how I wasn't coming into work due to anal blindness

Anal blindness. What's that I was asked

To which I replied   I just can't see my arse getting out of bed today
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on November 08, 2016, 11:15:28 PM
I the penis herby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
- I do physical labour
- I work at a great depths
- I plunge head first in everything I do
- I do not get weekends off or public holidays
- I work in wet environment
- I don't get paid overtime
- I work in dark workplace that has poor ventilation
- I work in high temperature
- My work exposes me to contagious diseases

Dear Mr Penis, after assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejected your request for the following reasons:
- You do not work 8 hours straight
- You fall asleep on the job after a brief work period
- You do not always follow the orders of the management team
- You do not stay allocated position, and often visit other areas
- You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
- You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
- You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing
- You'll retire well before reaching 65
- You're unable to do double shifts
- You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2 suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
the Management
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 09, 2016, 01:57:26 PM
M/t





         

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on November 10, 2016, 07:52:19 PM
Hilary Clinton packed her bags and said goodbye to the whitehouse
And off she went with a trumpety trump. Trump. Trump. Trump
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: John on November 20, 2016, 08:33:04 AM
I've heard it all now.

Yesterday, someone was trying to board the 65/7s with a washing machine. The guy on the radio said obviously we can't carry a washing machine so let the person know
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stu on November 20, 2016, 09:50:50 AM
Quote from: John on November 20, 2016, 08:33:04 AM
I've heard it all now.

Yesterday, someone was trying to board the 65/7s with a washing machine. The guy on the radio said obviously we can't carry a washing machine so let the person know

Did he already have a full load?  ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on November 20, 2016, 10:34:44 PM
Like everyone my age I'm 25  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 25, 2016, 05:39:07 PM
Quote from: John on November 20, 2016, 08:33:04 AM
I've heard it all now.

Yesterday, someone was trying to board the 65/7s with a washing machine. The guy on the radio said obviously we can't carry a washing machine so let the person know

  maybe not a bad idea.. I can never find a washer when I want one :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 25, 2016, 05:50:39 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on November 29, 2016, 09:58:34 PM
Diamond have announced their Christmas dinner menu

Starters - Roast Dart soup
Main - Grilled MAN with sautéed Solo SR
Desert - Versa Brulee
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on November 29, 2016, 10:01:39 PM
What did the big Versa say to the little Solo SR?

You're too young to smoke
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: BusFan94 on December 01, 2016, 06:05:55 PM
Paddy was driving a Diamond Solo SR when he heard a beeping noise "What the fooking hell is that" An old lady said you dumb puck it's burning
Paddy then smoking quite literally as the Solo SR caught fire. Paddy was then like Fook.
A versa driver then said you need to stop Smoking
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 01, 2016, 06:18:15 PM
Heating settings on Diamonds buses

Freezing
Cold
Smokin'
Fried Bus
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4194 on December 01, 2016, 07:46:43 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on December 01, 2016, 06:18:15 PM
Heating settings on Diamonds buses

Freezing
Cold
Smokin'
Fried Bus

The latter usually.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on December 01, 2016, 08:48:51 PM
Quote from: the trainbasher on December 01, 2016, 06:18:15 PM
Heating settings on Diamonds buses

Freezing
Cold
Smokin'
Fried Bus
you missed burnt to a crisp
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 01, 2016, 08:58:10 PM
Quote from: karl724223 on December 01, 2016, 08:48:51 PM
you missed burnt to a crisp

That's why they called them Black Diamond!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 28, 2016, 03:21:46 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 04, 2017, 04:03:47 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 19, 2017, 02:43:33 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: BusFan94 on January 19, 2017, 05:20:12 PM
As you know The world is doomed in 24 Hours when Donald Trump Becomes President I've decided to Create some jokes about him on a Plaxton President.
Saturday 21st January 2017 Trump arrives at AG garage where he is greeted by a friendly AG driver who immediately tells the engineers to put Persevered President 4114 out of the Workshop. Mr Trump had unfortunately heard President mentioned and told the driver I'm the President not you or that engineer. To which the Driver replied I don't who you think you are your not president your a trump and a bad smelling one at that. Now where's Hillary Clinton when you need here. 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Trident 4609 on January 19, 2017, 06:29:29 PM
Quote from: BusFan94 on January 19, 2017, 05:20:12 PM
As you know The world is doomed in 24 Hours when Donald Trump Becomes President I've decided to Create some jokes about him on a Plaxton President.
Saturday 21st January 2017 Trump arrives at AG garage where he is greeted by a friendly AG driver who immediately tells the engineers to put Persevered President 4114 out of the Workshop. Mr Trump had unfortunately heard President mentioned and told the driver I'm the President not you or that engineer. To which the Driver replied I don't who you think you are your not president your a trump and a bad smelling one at that. Now where's Hillary Clinton when you need here.

I don't get it...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 19, 2017, 08:22:20 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 27, 2017, 02:39:12 AM
empty
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on January 29, 2017, 11:41:51 AM
Just had my new Christian mobile delivered its called pray as you go ....

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on January 29, 2017, 11:42:55 AM
Wife.  Do you want something to eat
Husband. What's the choice ?
Wife  yes or fooking no
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on February 01, 2017, 03:09:18 PM
If Lynx. Sell Lynx Africa in England
Do they sell Lynx England in Africa ?🤔
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on February 02, 2017, 03:51:32 PM
I think the hardest part of having a long distance relationship was persuading my girlfriend to move away.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 05, 2017, 12:03:07 PM
 I heard the London Transport Grapevine has revealed that their lost property office at Brixton garage may expect an unscheduled high profile visitor later this year. When they were advised their 'lost' Parrot could only say.. "Good morning you F**king Ugly C**t..God bless America,.. following lengthy investigations the CIA were able to establish its rightful owner was, as expected,Donald Trump. Mr Trump is free to collect any weekday after 10am. :) 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on February 07, 2017, 02:40:28 PM
It must be cold I've just seen a Romanian standing with his hands in his own pockets
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 11, 2017, 04:01:10 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on February 18, 2017, 05:14:38 PM
The wife phoned me and said come to the hospital quick your mother in law is dieing
I replied I can't the Albion are playing
She replied record it and watch it later
The look on the wife's face when I turned up at the hospital with a camcorder and tripod
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 20, 2017, 02:53:54 PM
 So What does East Ham Rail Station and Donald Trump have in Common? ...simples....
          They are BOTH one STOP short of BARKING......... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Cheese on February 20, 2017, 04:34:51 PM
Quote from: windy miller on February 20, 2017, 02:53:54 PM
So What does East Ham Rail Station and Donald Trump have in Common? ...simples....
          They are BOTH one STOP short of BARKING......... >:(

Think Mr Trump is Dagenham East i.e. four stops on from Barking...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 21, 2017, 01:21:38 AM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on February 21, 2017, 06:41:33 PM
Getting off the 276, someone just shouted at me "who ate all the pies". I responded "the Sutton United Keeper"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: BusFan94 on February 21, 2017, 07:32:45 PM
Sutton United fan to his son at Half Time " Wanna Pie Son"
Son responds " Yes Please"
Father responds "What Flavour"
Son Responds "Meat and Potato"
Father Responds "Ok in that case better make Shaw someone don't eat them all first"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on February 27, 2017, 08:40:44 PM
Went doggin with the wife last night
Only trouble was by the time she parked the car everybody had gone home
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 28, 2017, 09:16:11 PM
M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on March 07, 2017, 12:09:42 PM
My son is having trouble with English at school
The trouble is nobody speaks it in his class
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on March 08, 2017, 07:38:04 PM
West Midlands police have found £12 million worth of drugs   22 ak47 assult rifles  and 300 hand grenades at a home behind the job centre in Tipton
Residents are shocked as they didn't know they had a job centre
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 10, 2017, 02:19:22 AM
 There are three types of sex.. Homosexual between consenting males...Heterosexual between the opposite sex..and Metrosexual when I manage to hide my erection on the bus with a free newspaper......  :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: BusFan94 on March 17, 2017, 07:48:04 PM
The once I had dumb plank come to fix my boiler.
He nicked    all the Copper Piping and did a runner
He didn't get very far as he  stuck out like a Saw  thumb being the only passenger on the Arriva  310 service

The next day The same Dumb Plank comes back around to my house to fix my Washing Machine He says It doesn't spin right round. I said No but that Attractive Girl over there can spin around with me any day

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: MW on March 17, 2017, 08:38:27 PM
Quote from: BusFan94 on March 17, 2017, 07:48:04 PM
The once I had dumb plank come to fix my boiler.
He nicked    all the Copper Piping and did a runner
He didn't get very far as he  stuck out like a Saw  thumb being the only passenger on the Arriva  310 service

The next day The same Dumb Plank comes back around to my house to fix my Washing Machine He says It doesn't spin right round. I said No but that Attractive Girl over there can spin around with me any day

Are you the plank?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: GeminiFan1991 on March 17, 2017, 09:03:53 PM
I've just upgraded to Sky HD.
I'm impressed.
The phrase "No satellite signal is being received" has never been so colourful and clear. 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Dom on March 17, 2017, 10:41:10 PM
Quote from: MW on March 17, 2017, 08:38:27 PM
Are you the plank?

You forgot the ' dumb' part ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 18, 2017, 07:18:19 PM
 The bloke who sold me my double glazing six months ago came round wanting to know why
he hadn't been paid?.. I said " you told me the system was so good it would pay for itself in six months!... >:( lying twat,,  >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 28, 2017, 08:51:34 PM
 M/t
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 13, 2017, 09:19:30 PM
 Elizabeth Taylor was once asked if she had considered any other possible marriage suitors before marrying  Richard Burton for the second time.... "Well' she replied, there were several... George Best... Lester Piggott...and Father Christmas!! when asked to explain her reason for rejection she said... "One is a constant dribbler, Another has 5 rides a day already and the last one only comes once a year!.. and That's down the chimney"!!! >:( :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 19, 2017, 04:54:26 PM
 I see Rolf Harris has been released recently... He was snapped with paint on his trousers..
I expect he'd been touching-up again.. :o....... Keeping his hand in so to speak. When I heard he Did two little boys back in the 70's I thought it was a song?........ >:( :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Roy on June 30, 2017, 12:05:23 PM
Jeremy Corbyn has caused consternation on antisocial media since he announced at Glastonbury that he intended to scrap Trident.  One irate poster replied - "It better not be 4194".
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 04, 2017, 03:31:52 AM
 ...treated my sister to a night out at my local poultry farm.......it wasn't the Hen party she was hoping for but saved a few quid... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 14, 2017, 01:39:13 AM
As a female tennis player once said.." I don't think I can win the New York open but I'll have a stab at it....... :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 29, 2017, 01:30:36 AM
My Mrs Phoned me to say she thought she had got water in the carburettor... :o    I said its a bit unlikely... where is the car?....She said...err.... In the River... >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: DJ on July 29, 2017, 04:59:09 PM
Quote from: karl724223 on March 08, 2017, 07:38:04 PM
West Midlands police have found £12 million worth of drugs   22 ak47 assult rifles  and 300 hand grenades at a home behind the job centre in Tipton
Residents are shocked as they didn't know they had a job centre

I find that hard to believe, most people in Tipton know where the Job Centre is, they have to go there to sign on!  ;D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 02, 2017, 01:57:26 AM
 I asked our Vet why so many rabbits sit in the middle of the road when I'm speeding through the countryside at night?....He said " They're collecting car numbers....though most of them only collect the one..... :o :o 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 05, 2017, 05:52:57 PM
When me and the Mrs went to our local swimming baths we were told that they now have a chemical in the water that will react if you piss in the pool!...The Men's piss will leave a distinct blue stain to identify you and the women's piss will leave a pink one. When we both had a good piss and did two lengths of the pool we looked like the F'kin Red Arrows.... :o :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: DJ on August 05, 2017, 06:16:58 PM
I was speaking to a bloke from Yorkshire the other day, who happened to be dyslexic.

He was wearing a cat flap.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 06, 2017, 03:29:44 AM
 I asked my local Chinese take away if they can cook Octopus.. He said 'yes we do'... we cook them live as they taste better'... I asked him.. 'how long do they take to cook?...'about 4 hours' he said....   I said 4 hours!!!....why do they take that long?... he said 'as soon as we turn our back the Bastards keep turning the gas off!...... :o :o :o 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 03, 2017, 06:31:52 PM
 When I found myself in court recently for a minor traffic offence a local guy was up before me as a serial burglar.  The magistrate asked the guy if he had anything to say before passing sentence ?.....The guy replied "F*ck ALL..... Evidently the magistrate had not heard him and turned to the clerk and asked "What did he say??   The clerk replied  "He said F*ck All!  your honour. To which the magistrate replied.." strange.. I could have sworn he said something... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 26, 2017, 04:36:08 PM
 When my mate went to the clinic recently the doc told him he had cancer. "how long have I got?. He asked. '10'maybe..... 10! said my mate...10 what? ..months?...weeks? The doctor looked at his watch and said....Nine...eight...seven...I haven't heard from him since... :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 26, 2017, 04:48:35 PM
Had a break at Blackpool illuminations recently.. its a bit pricey these days!.. I didn't do the 'golden mile' as I only had 400 quid on me........ :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 20, 2017, 04:45:07 AM
   I found a cockroach in my hotel room in Blackpool.. I took it to the manager. He looked at it and said.." Its Dead!.... I said I know... 300 of his mates upstairs have come to his funeral! >:( >:(  Won't be stopping there again.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 07, 2017, 03:28:55 AM
 Its No good.. I will have to spend more time wiping my Ar*e in future instead of skimping on the bog roll. My Mrs said she'd not seen skid marks like mine since that tunnel in Paris!.(1997)
  >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 25, 2017, 03:11:55 PM
Supermarkets say they can tell our marital status by looking at our grocery purchases.
When I followed my mate through the checkout the assistant asked." You're single aren't you?. "Yes! said my mate....How can you tell?..Easy!. She said..."You're such an ugly C*nt!! 

Good job I remembered to get tampons for the Mrs! :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 21, 2018, 04:37:55 AM
 So what's the difference between a 10 year old LADA and a Jehovah's witness??
ans... I can SHUT the F'n Door on a Jehovah's witness....Last time I buy a foreign motor! >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on January 21, 2018, 08:56:55 PM
I woke up laughing this morning
I must have slept funny
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 29, 2018, 06:32:11 PM
 £200 can be the difference between survival and abject poverty, It can also be the difference between abject poverty and a new PlayStation PS4...your choice. :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 01, 2018, 02:23:10 AM
      As I am now entitled to a free flu jab every winter, I made an appointment with the male nurse at my local clinic before Christmas. He rolled up my shirt sleeve and told me I would feel a little prick. He then pulled up his trousers and told me to F**k off. His case is being heard next Thursday.....  :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on February 01, 2018, 02:49:37 AM
I recently split with my ex over my obsession with calling wrestling moves during sex.

I tried to give her an Attitude Adjustment but she gave me a Stone Cold Stunner.




Before we broke up though, we did a bit of TLC

That was before I gave her a Tombstone piledriver off the ladders to the kitchen table.




On the day of the breakup, I had planned to turn Face

instead she gave me a Heel.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on February 01, 2018, 02:58:02 AM
How many Vince McMahons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. Lightbulb screwed lightbulb

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 03, 2018, 02:18:03 AM
 When my late father had an industrial accident he was in a critical condition for 2 days.
When I called in the hospital to check how he was I was told he had been given his own room
and had been stabilised.  Good news I thought.. Until I opened the door. F'ng straw and
horseshit everywhere..... >:( >:(   Should've gone private.........
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 28, 2018, 05:18:36 AM
  what's the difference between a Hippo and a zippo? .. one is Very Heavy and the others a
  little lighter..... oo :)   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 03, 2018, 01:05:51 AM
 ..Just solved an argument with my Missus....she reckons God must be a bloke! When I asked her to explain she insisted that if God was a woman she would make Semen taste
of chocolate!. The way she laps it up I thought it always did...:) One in the eye for me then... so to speak.....?
Now there's a novelty....  ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 17, 2018, 03:01:17 AM
  When I asked our local barmaid for a quick drink at closing time tonight she replied:  " I'm sorry.........
  I've got the towels on"....I had to explain to her that I only wanted a drink not a Shag.. ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 25, 2018, 04:28:41 AM
           A big thanks must go to all who contributed to the success of Sports Aid recently.
           Unfortunately there is always one individual prepared to profit from the misfortune
           of others as the following ad in a Freetown advertiser has shown......
           "Berko" is a 10 year old African boy with poor eyesight, One arm, and One leg.
           Undaunted he cycles 6 miles to school each day on a rusty bike with a wobbly wheel,
          Flat tyres, One Pedal, and no brakes. If you send me $20 I will send you the Video...
           Its Absolutely Hilarious.........

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 30, 2018, 09:34:46 PM
When I approached my local pharmacist recently for a supply of my usual Ultra Large
Condoms, the young assistant replied apologetically," I'm sorry we are currently out of stock"..
"..Have you tried Boots??. "Yes". I replied...I did once,. But the Jizz came out of the lace holes!
     >:( >:( :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 17, 2018, 03:43:36 AM
     Just got back from the commonwealth games... had a great time but my Mrs did
    nothing but complain the whole time.... I suppose I should have told her I was going..  still
   ....  I've promised to take her to the next one in 2022 instead.......    (on the bus)    ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 30, 2018, 06:46:51 PM
As I approached my seventh birthday my father sat me on his knee and explained the
birds and the bees........  'Son'. He said, 'Always remember this.... 'its the second hole
   from the back of the neck....or you'll be in the Shit...As my Mrs often reminds me on Saturday nights...usually after my seventh pint.... >:( :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 14, 2018, 09:58:06 PM
A Manchester City Fanzine reported that Mrs Ferguson had asked for a course of Viagra.
for her husband. As she explained to their GP, "I don't want him getting a Full Erection...
  Just enough lift to stop him pissing in his slippers.......... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 25, 2018, 05:35:20 PM
When Charles and Camilla arrived at a famous opera house in Sussex recently Prince Charles was wearing a Fox-Fur hat.  When he was asked why he said "M m'a asked  me where I was going...When I said 'Glyndebourne' she replied.... Wear the Fox Hat.....At least I think that's what she said...... ???
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 04, 2018, 10:59:48 PM
I see these characters who like to take photo's up women's skirts in supermarkets may face a hefty fine or better still a jail sentence.    If they are so keen to see a picture of a c*nt they should stop at home and take a selfie.......... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 01, 2018, 02:47:41 AM
 Robbie Williams biggest No 1 was 'Angels'............ His biggest No 2 was..........
       Three lumps behind a bike shed in Stoke when he was 15........ :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: I love Walsall buses on September 05, 2018, 09:20:35 PM
What's a hedgehogs favourite food?

Prickled onions.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 07, 2018, 05:18:22 PM
  These top London hotels are a bit pricey.... I was quoted a fixed price for the room but all
   other facilities.. Sauna...Showers...Bath... Gym.. Jacuzzi... Hairdresser etc., were all charged independently.." would sir like a bath or a shower?. the Clerk asked. As my funds were limited I said. "what's the difference? The clerk replied. "You sit down in a Bath.
....I will call him an ambulance next time....(twat)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 07, 2018, 05:22:45 PM
  I had a job in a circus years ago... I didn't have an act.. I was the only c*nt who knew how to get the tent in the bag...I did try work as a human cannonball... only £5 a week ..plus a little mileage.... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 07, 2018, 05:25:45 PM
 I got food poisoning the other day...   Its in a bottle...I'm going to give it to my Mrs
  on Sunday when she's not looking.... 8)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 11, 2018, 12:24:12 AM
  The young Boots assistant assured me that Viagra was now available without a prescription.
   " Can I get it over the counter? I asked..."Maybe",. She replied.."it depends how many
     you take"......... ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 14, 2018, 05:31:44 AM
 There was a right scruffy bastard sitting on a bench in st Pauls churchyard yesterday... Greasy hair. Unwashed... Filthy trousers..as I walked past him he was singing to himself..
   ♫..Let metellya wot I wanna say♫. You're the only one ♪...♪..My kinda lady ♫.♫..etc..
    I said to him.. " That's  Supertramp"... He said " good of you to say so... thanks a lot.. ???
   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 26, 2018, 06:07:09 PM
    As the late Bernard Manning once said: Personally, I have no objection to migrants
   from the EU. Unfortunately there are many non EU migrants who actually think they
   are English because they were born Here??..........
    ..On that basis, if a Dog is born in a Stable its a F***in Horse?..... ;D
     
     R.I.P Bernard
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 04, 2018, 02:37:02 AM
  My Neighbour said she has so much iron in her blood these days she is currently selling her
   sanitary towels to taroni's....  :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 10, 2018, 09:02:58 PM
  My Menopausal (ex) Mrs became such an ugly git she had been spending my
   alimony on beauty treatments every week for the past 4 years. I'm guessing there
   has been a sign of improvement ,as the Salon finally allowed her to leave by the front door
   last week.......... :o :o 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 21, 2018, 08:28:20 PM
   I see Theresa May has decided to continue in office as She heard she was being asked to 'keep going'.... unfortunately she appears to have missed the first TWO elements of the
  message..... 1.... Pack your bags..... 2 F*ck off.. 3 Keep Going........ :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 04, 2018, 04:58:24 AM
.....That's the last time I fix a date with the eye specialist in my local Specsavers...
   a right pain between the sheets!..."is it better like this?...Or like this?....or...or ...          F*kin Nightmare... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 12, 2019, 04:16:28 AM
      Recovering from a minor op recently my peaceful afternoon was disturbed by a very painful cry from behind a nearby curtain,
      followed by a cloud of steam..  The staff nurse quickly issued an admonishment to her Junior.....No! she explained...
      I said  " Prick that mans Boil..!.."...... >:( >:( >:(
 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 14, 2019, 04:34:58 AM
   With my Mrs having  aunt Irma ;) visiting over Christmas...   I  treated the grandchildren to Disney Paris for a couple of days
  ...The kids enjoyed their rides but the only decent ride I had was a cracking blonde selling toffee apples.....mmmm
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 26, 2019, 03:29:04 AM
...During my recent conversation with a Glaswegian football supporter, often referred to as the 'life and soul'
  of a fight in his local wetherspoons  car park. :o..he told me that at least one set of fans were more considerate than the other. Naturally I asked for an explanation. .'Don't get me wrong'! he replied, if you have an argument with
either set of 'old firm' supporters we will still kick the shit out of you....but at least us Celtic fans will give you directions to the nearest Hospital afterwards...........mmm    nice  :-\
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 29, 2019, 03:43:09 AM
Way back in the early 1950's an elderly blind man boarded a compartment train to Grimsby where he sat
opposite a young girl. After a short while the girl asked the old man if he knew where he was on the journey.
'Easy!..said the blind man...'I have a sensitive nose and I can smell the air!. True enough, as the train passed through Burton on Trent he was able to determine the unmistakable smell of the Breweries. Again, as the train passed through south Lincolnshire he could smell the fragrance of fresh cut flowers near spalding.
At this point the young girl decided to play a trick on the old man. Lifting her skirt and presenting her muff under
his nose...'AH!..said the blind man sniffing enthusiastically,'...Grimsby!...so soon!..this is where I get off!.!  :)


PS.  As my Mrs will happily testify...It will stink in Heaven,
                                                    It will stink in Hell,
                                                    You'll never get shut
                                                    of that 'Fishy' smell !!   ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 31, 2019, 07:35:47 PM
  I know some of you may think my jokes are a pain  but not as painful as my 4 fractured ribs
after a fall recently!...(recovery time 6-8 weeks) there is no medical support other than numerous
pain killers.. >:(. A big thanks to the staff on ward 21 at Good Hope  for their kindness and hospitality. I noted that a number of Hospital staff are now able to speak several languages?...
when I was offered a "short back and sides and a little off the top"....a nurse informed me
  that she only speaks airDU......... :o   oooooh                  :o :o       
 
   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 31, 2019, 07:49:22 PM
  following his release from prison the entertainer Rolf Harris has been able to curb his
  addiction to alcohol...according to one national newspaper he is now down to two tots a week....
      :o :o :-\
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 17, 2019, 10:06:55 PM
  after claiming 40 years 'Back' pay and a 'lump' sum ....Quasimodo was followed by a group of
   schoolchildren..... Quasi then turned to them and said..." Look!..for the last time...I haven't
    got your F**king Ball ......... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 17, 2019, 10:11:49 PM
   Our Local Irish club had a Mystery coach tour recently...everyone paid a £1 to guess the destination.......The driver won £50.............. :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 18, 2019, 07:03:57 PM
When an elderly tramp came knocking on my back door I asked him what he wanted. "do you have any cake?..he asked..."cake?..I replied ..No! you scrounging bastard....F**k off! ."I'm an old war veteran". he said.     Really?."were you at the Front ? I asked. "Yes"..he said....but I couldn't get an answer. >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 27, 2019, 05:22:35 PM
   After a lifetime of total celibacy a clergyman finally succumbed to the temptation of the flesh
   and sought the services of a local prostitute. After an agreed price the pair returned to her house.
   As they lay on the bed the clergyman began to pray. When The woman asked for an explanation
   He  replied .." I'm praying for guidance".... No problem! she said.".Just pray for stiffness and I
   will give you all the guidance you need.......  :) :)
     
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 03, 2019, 12:12:55 PM
 North Korea has a type of VAT applicable to restaurants .... Its called PerpetUate :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 03, 2019, 12:47:29 PM
 Many moons ago the concept of PC was almost non existent. In the 50's and 60's Irish themed
Humour ,Stories and anecdotes were not uncommon in clubland.
   ...Paddy was given a two-piece Jig saw for his birthday but he couldn't make it as there was no
     picture on the box........ :)
   
      Mick and Paddy were attending an employment interview. The employer asked them to show
     their testimonials.  After the interview Mick said.."Y'know paddy... If you'd had a better Education
     we might have got that job!!. :)
 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 06, 2019, 07:42:38 PM
After Micks employment interview Paddy asked him for advice. "What do I need to know? asked
Paddy...No problem! said mick.."Just give him your name and recite your Two times Table.
  Table?..said Paddy.."Whats that?... Easy! said Mick, and began to sing the Two times table...♫♫
  One times two is two..♪♪ two times two is four♪♪ three times two is Six ♫♫...etc.
  During his interview,(as expected), Paddy was asked to recite the table and began
  to sing ....♫ MM mm Mm Mm, Mm mm-mm ♫ Mmmmm is ♪MM Mmm is MM..♫.♫ " "Whats that??
  asked the employer...."Arh" said Paddy, oi remembered the Tune... I forgot the words... :'(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 07, 2019, 10:15:55 PM

  When I finally got shut of my first Mrs I told everyone I couldn't get over her... :'( :'( ..  I had to
  get up and walk round!!...Fat Git.... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 07, 2019, 10:51:14 PM
  A young African boy asks his mother..." Why is my skin so dark mummy?..."because of the heat of
  the sun all day! said his mother.. The boy then asked.." Why do I have long legs mummy??. "so
  you can run from all the animals!" said his mother. The boy then asked." Why do I have big bright
  eyes?.. "Its so you can see in the dark..replied his mother.  The boy thought for a minute and said
   ." Mum..... Why are we living in Balsall Heath??? :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 18, 2019, 11:53:09 PM
 
I have never been a gambler but I found myself watching the late night show Jackpot 247 on ITV
recently hosted by a delightfully tall blonde, (Helen Scott) with legs way up the M1. On the subject of Indian curries she was asking for feedback. I sent an E mail suggesting she might like to try a Chicken TARKA ?. ..its similar to a TICKA but a little OTTER *   Sadly the studio link between the desk and the presenter was unable to differentiate between the words ' Otter' and 'Hotter'  and the joke sailed  over everyones head no doubt heading for North Korea to become a 'set meal for two'  :o


* A reference to the film TARKA the OTTER  dated c 1978
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 24, 2019, 12:37:05 PM
 There is/was a guy from south Warwickshire? whose sole hobby was to catalogue a photographic record of all British Road Traffic Islands.  When asking the question.."what does your wife think?..
the enquirer had obviously not thought it through.... :)   Although the hobby is only slightly less
interesting than my own personal Entomological collection of Moths ,fleas, Flies and other airborne insects , all of which can be viewed at any reasonable time C/o your local APNR camera.... :) :) 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 24, 2019, 01:57:46 PM
 Its Patrick's 18th Birthday and he has booked a One way flight from southern Ireland to Heathrow.
  While seated in the departure lounge he befriends an elderly woman. " Hello..I'm Patrick ..and where might you be going today?  " Hello..I'm Mrs Dunne and I'm off to see my sister in Belfast..Where are you going? she asked. " Im off to start a new life in London! said Patrick.   I must tell you that My son went to London 3 years ago and I haven't had a letter ,a birthday or Christmas card from him since. " Thats terrible! said Patrick... "Whats his name and where does he Live?. " His name is 'Neeley' and
The only address I have is London WC2.said the woman.. Patrick offers to try and find him.
  On his arrival at Heathrow terminal he answers a call of nature where he spies two cubicles ,  one marked WC1 and the other marked WC2. " WC2! thought Patrick, Thats where this guy lives!..and gave the door a firm Knock. " What do you want? came the reply." Are you Neeley Dunne? asks Patrick, "Yes..but I don't have any paper!..replied the occupant..."Argh! said Patrick in his broad Irish accent....Thahts no Exchuse for Noht wroitin to Ur Mother!... :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 15, 2019, 07:02:13 PM
This is a true story better understood by our older age group....
Almost thirty years ago in 1989 my (then) American partner and I were enjoying a late summer tour of the Scottish highlands which was delayed due to illness. After a quiet night in Inverness we spent our second night in the 'granite city' of Aberdeen.Where we stayed in a popular Hotel/hydro often frequented by the Media. As we sat in the lounge with our drinks we were engaged in a conversation with Patrick,a young Irish guy also on his first Scottish tour. As my partner enjoyed her pimms she became aware of a Mexican gentleman at the Bar in conversation with the press who she identified as Red Adair. As I was familiar with his recent troubleshooting activities in the north sea, I approached the guy and asked.."Are you Red adair??." Sure am buddy!... he replied, "Can I help you? I Explained to him that the British public were indebted to him for his help and support following the Alpha oil tragedy and I would like to offer him a drink. I subsequently paid the barman for a Whiskey chaser and returned to my seat. "you were right!! Red adair! I Said.   Not wishing to miss an opportunity our Irish acquaintance approached  the guy and asked.."Are you Red Adair? Sure am bud! he replied..  Argh! said Patrick in his broad Belfast Accent..."Woud yuz stihl be dahncin with Ginger Rodgers  Now????? :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 19, 2019, 07:07:01 PM
  I see my (Ex) Mrs is now batting for the 'other side'...after joining our neighbourhood L&G group.
  she now catches the 'other bus' and suffers from the common affliction better known as....
  ...  Strapadicktomy..... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 06, 2019, 05:03:09 PM
One (painful) memory of my early naval career was the time I developed the worst case of
hemorrhoid's the physician had ever witnessed !... In an effort to cure my 'grapes of wrath' :'(
the Asian GP assured me that the Indian practise of placing a spoonful of tea-leafs in my anus
every night would solve my problem. Needless to say after filling my butt with tea leafs for a week
there was still no improvement. On my return to Portsmouth I sought an alternative remedy
from a local Gypsy. With my arse in the air the woman began a close inspection. After several minutes she gave me her diagnosis. 'I'm very sorry!..she said apologetically, 'I cant help you with your piles...But I can see you are going on a long journey!! :) :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 07, 2019, 03:57:30 PM
I heard that if you were born with a 'silver spoon' you are born in aristocracy? Presumably if
  you were born with a silver spoon and a lighter you were born in Glasgow? ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 10, 2019, 01:12:53 PM
 I couldn't stand my Mother in law,(fat git)..When we were on a picnic she got attacked by six blokes
   .... My Mrs said 'Are you going to help?? I said ' Nah.....six should be enough.. :).
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 15, 2019, 12:37:42 PM
The new Irish legislation on Gay marriage should allow the two (aptly named) Irish 'rear gunners'
Patrick Fitzsmichaels and Michael Fitzpatrick's to be joined in matrimony sometime soon... :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 26, 2019, 01:07:45 PM
   A guy came in our local pub recently and placed a small piano on the bar. He then produced a little
   man about a foot high from his overcoat who he sat at the piano and began to play some classical
  music. Intrigued, the Barman asked the guy where he came from?..." Well! said the guy..."I was in 
  an antique shop yesterday and I found a dusty old lamp .When I gave it a good rub a Genie   
  appeared who offered me one wish... Unfortunately I think he may have misheard my request as he
   has given me a  12" Pianist :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 26, 2019, 01:16:37 PM
   Back in my earliest school days my friend came round with a new bike....when I asked him
    how he got it he said he met a girl in the woods who put her bike down , took her knickers off,
    and told me to take what I wanted!... Good choice! I said..."Her knickers would have been
    too big for you!   :( :(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 29, 2019, 11:25:31 AM
 Way back in the mid 90's A wealthy tight fisted German financier asked his young son
what he wanted for Christmas. His son replied.. I'd like something to play with..and a cowboy outfit.
...his father bought him a pair of shorts with a hole in the pocket ;) ...And British Leyland... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 02, 2019, 02:22:48 AM
   Conundrum.... whats the difference between an egg, a carpet, and a really good wank? :-\ :-\
   Answers on a postcard...........
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 14, 2019, 02:14:26 AM
  When me and the Mrs visited the UAE last year we noticed a saudi guy on a camel heading for a local market with his wife having to walk behind which was a bit rich...My Mrs asked the guy why HE
  was riding the camel while his mrs had to walk?? easy! said the guy.. She hasn't got a f'in camel >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Wumpty on September 05, 2019, 09:35:37 AM
Did you hear about the woman who had 5 legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove!!!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 08, 2019, 02:23:46 AM
Quote from: Wumpty on September 05, 2019, 09:35:37 AM
Did you hear about the woman who had 5 legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove!!!



When I put my hand up a gypsy's skirt I get my palm read every 28 days.......... ;).........
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Wumpty on September 09, 2019, 08:11:56 AM
Quote from: windy miller on September 08, 2019, 02:23:46 AM


When I put my hand up a gypsy's skirt I get my palm read every 28 days.......... ;).........
O.     M.   G.    !!!!!!!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 09, 2019, 08:57:18 PM
....Following MP Amber Rudds  resignation over PM Boris Johnson's apparent lack of deal/No deal brexit progress recently, an urgent meeting has been arranged between president Macron and
  Noel Edmund's first thing in the morning.... :) :) :) :)         you heard it here first.....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 09, 2019, 09:00:47 PM
Quote from: Wumpty on September 09, 2019, 08:11:56 AM
O.     M.   G.    !!!!!!!

  You called? :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 17, 2019, 05:36:40 PM
 As some of you would have heard on the national news recently I have had my 22ct gold Bog
  (complete with gold chain and cistern) S-wiped from under my arse, (and behind my back)
   while I was reading the Mail and It still hasn't been found.  When I enquired if there had been
any news a police spokesperson said.."we've nothing to go on".... Me Neither >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 20, 2019, 12:44:40 PM
Quote from: Wumpty on September 05, 2019, 09:35:37 AM
Did you hear about the woman who had 5 legs? Her knickers fitted her like a glove!!!

Did you hear about the high court judge with no fingers?   ...... Justice thumbs QC
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 25, 2019, 01:17:14 PM
  Buying an old foreign car?  ..So whats the difference  between a 15yr old LADA and a
    Jehovah's witness?.....  You can Shut the F'in Door on a Jehovah's witness............ >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 05, 2019, 02:06:32 AM
 In the late sixties my father was an experienced yachtsman. When he entered the annual
single handed yacht race around the isle of wight he was first to the finish line, but
unfortunately  he was disqualified for using two hands........ >:(. 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 14, 2019, 01:00:11 AM
  My (then) 9 year old daughter dropped me in it a few years ago...As She asked her
mother one morning.... @ mummy... does our Au pair girl come to pieces??   why No!..she replied.. "Why do you ask?... She said.. I heard daddy telling the man next door he screwed the arse off her last week..... >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 20, 2019, 04:21:17 PM
 Did you notice Georgia (Toff) on the celebrity chase recently?  The chaser told her she had two chances...SLIM and NONE.. and Slims just F*cked off..  :)  Proved to be so right.. Answered 4 multi choice questions incorrectly... end of...

  I hope she has better luck on the Celebrity Hunted prog on CH4 @9pm tonight...(Sun)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 27, 2019, 05:46:02 PM
     ....A guy rang my mobile 2 weeks ago about 4 'o' clock in the afternoon and said... hi mate...  Its Dave.. What do you want me to do with this stuff?... I said what stuff?..
   He said "the old fittings and fixtures, MDF , wiring, studding timber plasterboard..and rubbish?.. I said where from? He said the Camden road shopfitting job. "do you want it? or shall I take it back to the yard??? I thought for a second and I said.."you know where I live. Just dump it on MY drive and I will sort it out later. The guy said. 'OK will do..and rang off. My mate asked me who it was .I said ..No idea!...wrong number :).. But his gaffer will know who he is when he can't park his car on the drive when he gets home :) :).. I guess he will ring the right number in his next job....I just love a good wind up... :) :) :)
 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 29, 2019, 02:18:05 AM
   So  ..What did the VD germ say as he was about to be run over by a 16 bus in station st?
       ans......  "I'm a gonner here... :o :o                           i'll get my coat   :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 22, 2019, 02:38:30 AM
They say it comes to one in two of us so no surprise... My GP gave me 10...maybe less...
  I asked him ' 10?..10 what? ..months?.. weeks?..the doc looked at his watch and said
  '  8...7...6...5.. turned out to be a coffee stain on the plate.....  :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 02, 2019, 01:35:05 AM
 I heard that the adult male has 206 bones in their body...?
When my Mrs gets a 'wide on' on a Sunday morning  I make that 207.... ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Busboy105 on December 02, 2019, 06:55:45 AM
Quote from: windy miller on December 02, 2019, 01:35:05 AM
I heard that the adult male has 206 bones in their body...?
When my Mrs gets a 'wide on' on a Sunday morning  I make that 207.... ;)
Good one.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 19, 2019, 04:09:01 AM
   During my early days in the post office Christmas was always a challenge.
   on many occasions we received letters from children of all ages addressed to 'Santa' 
    North Pole... Most of this mail would find its way to a local toy charity organisation.
   When we received an (unsealed) letter from an 8 year old boy who had (verifiably)
   lost both parents in a recent tragic accident and was asking Santa for a bike. As a good
   Will gesture we made a collection on his behalf and raised £95 which we passed to his
   Carer.The following week we received a letter from the boy thanking Santa for the
   money but had assumed that Santa would have sent £100 and That the thieving
   bastards at the post office had taken £5 for the Stamps!!!....... >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 27, 2019, 07:58:23 PM
Quote from: windy miller on September 01, 2014, 03:43:56 PM
On my visit to the state mental hospital near Carstairs a few years ago (on Business) :) I asked one of the directors what criteria they use to assess potential patients. He said "we fill a bathtub with water and ask the patient to empty it. We offer him/her the option of a tea spoon, a cup, or a bucket.  Oh!..I said., I understand, A normal person would choose the bucket as it holds more water?... No.. he said,  Any normal person would pull the F' ng plug out...... Would you like a bed by the window? :-[ :-[ :-[ :-[ :)



I had thought to mention the fact that at the time there appeared to be
several trustee 'inmates' walking aimlessly around the grounds with no supervision?...
including a half naked guy parading around with his knob in a biscuit tin !!...When
  I queried this with the warden he replied..... We ignore him...  He's F*CKING CRACKERS....!  a lot like the rest I shouldn't wonder.... :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: richardjones210368 on January 12, 2020, 11:13:16 PM
Couldnt really find anywhere else to post this but I understand from mates at EY that they are on standby tonight in case FlyBe collapses.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 15, 2020, 06:24:04 PM
Quote from: richardjones210368 on January 12, 2020, 11:13:16 PM
Couldnt really find anywhere else to post this but I understand from mates at EY that they are on standby tonight in case FlyBe collapses.
[/

quote]  Richard. I think the general question page would have been suitable?
        Flybe are very unlikely to go under as the government have differed a number
    of significant payments. In addition they have agreed to reduce airport taxes
      which has not pleased environmentalists as this may encourage passengers
      to take more flights and increase our carbon footprint.  Not clever

               
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 20, 2020, 01:40:34 AM
   When my late father had a bad tumble on the slopes the medics smothered his back
    with Vaseline .Unfortunately it didn't do any good..he just went downhill fast... :).

      When I tripped and crashed down the stairs last evening my Mrs thought
      Eastenders had finished early.... >:(
       
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 26, 2020, 02:40:36 AM
News of the death of actor Terry Jones recently came as a surprise and his
      multi aspect comedy genius will be sadly missed by so many people.
     a friendly easy going guy, and a one time privileged acquaintance as a fellow 
    (Real Ale) Enthusiast c 1980 Terry would enjoy a good drink and a wind-up. 
    During his early years at Oxford he once rang a well known college in Cambridge
     on Christmas Day! .."hello"....he said... "Is that Jesus?. 'Yes' said the guy.. at
    which point he  began to sing.."Happy Birthday to you...happy Birthday to..etc :)
       A true Comic Messiah? or just a very naughty boy?               RIP
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: richardjones210368 on January 26, 2020, 01:46:16 PM
Quote from: windy miller on January 26, 2020, 02:40:36 AM
News of the death of actor Terry Jones recently came as a surprise and his
      multi aspect comedy genius will be sadly missed by so many people.
     a friendly easy going guy, and a one time privileged acquaintance as a fellow 
    (Real Ale) Enthusiast c 1980 Terry would enjoy a good drink and a wind-up. 
    During his early years at Oxford he once rang a well known college in Cambridge
     on Christmas Day! .."hello"....he said... "Is that Jesus?. 'Yes' said the guy.. at
    which point he  began to sing.."Happy Birthday to you...happy Birthday to..etc :)
       A true Comic Messiah? or just a very naughty boy?               RIP
But What About The Spanish Inquisition? Nobody Expected That!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 27, 2020, 08:05:51 PM
  Mebbe thees reet.....Trouble a't Mill I shouldn't wonder.... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 30, 2020, 02:10:08 AM
   I have sent several pics to Tony in recent times in the hope of being shown in
   the Gallery but with no success.
   If you have a pic suitable for inclusion you can send it to the following address..
     Tony H¹ at VISION ON C/o BBC TV WOOD LANE LONDON W 12.
            closing date for entries is 14/6/76   So best get a wiggle on .     ;)
                     Good luck

           H¹ Hart
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on January 30, 2020, 09:41:00 PM
Please tell me this isn't anyone from the Forum?

https://twitter.com/i/status/1222913664736530433?fbclid=IwAR3PZf8Pa2iGIhx1robzJmZDssKNIEU7zmYvtspohFjF0AI6pZNAtcInRjc
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: karl724223 on January 31, 2020, 08:06:53 PM
Quote from: Stuharris 6360 on January 30, 2020, 09:41:00 PM
Please tell me this isn't anyone from the Forum?

https://twitter.com/i/status/1222913664736530433?fbclid=IwAR3PZf8Pa2iGIhx1robzJmZDssKNIEU7zmYvtspohFjF0AI6pZNAtcInRjc
halesowen blackheath or Bromley lane area I would say
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Tony on January 31, 2020, 08:09:02 PM
Quote from: windy miller on January 30, 2020, 02:10:08 AM
   I have sent several pics to Tony in recent times in the hope of being shown in
   the Gallery but with no success.
   If you have a pic suitable for inclusion you can send it to the following address..
     Tony H¹ at VISION ON C/o BBC TV WOOD LANE LONDON W 12.
            closing date for entries is 14/6/76   So best get a wiggle on .     ;)
                     Good luck

           H¹ Hart

Hi, Yes, sorry, I still have them all to put on, but currently have a backlog of over 8000 of my own from the last year.

Your are good, and trains I ahven't got, so will appear!¬
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 02, 2020, 04:24:37 AM
   Thank-you Tony :) I was just trying to discourage others from up-loading as I knew
    you had more than enough of your own already!.. I figured any potential David
   Baileys out there would stand a better chance of being featured on a 40yr old site
   than on the forum :)  NB.  All my previous contributions, (With the exception of
   STEAM IMAGES) are free for sale or publication at your discretion. The addition of a
    right-click disablement would be an advantage.  Keep up the good work...

         
     
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 03, 2020, 02:35:05 AM
Quote from: karl724223 on January 31, 2020, 08:06:53 PM
halesowen blackheath or Bromley lane area I would say

Why halesowen?.. The wall on the left is clearly opposite the bull ring centre and
    the coach station is on the right ?????
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Stuharris 6360 on February 03, 2020, 08:41:17 PM
Quote from: windy miller on February 03, 2020, 02:35:05 AM
Why halesowen?.. The wall on the left is clearly opposite the bull ring centre and
    the coach station is on the right ?????

So I read on Twitter after I posted the video, it is "supposed" to be the 35 route.

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 10, 2020, 02:09:07 AM
   I was chatting to a young girl in Golders Green and I asked her what sort of guy
   she would normally go for?..she said Oh. " I just love Jewish Cowboys!...
   by the way..I didn't catch your name?.. I said  err.. Buckie Goldberg..
      Nice meeting you.......... ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 13, 2020, 03:50:12 AM
     The old adage/lyric once penned by the late crooner Val Doonican.."♫ A grip
     just like a Scotsman on a £5 Note..♫ ♫ ect..Bore an element of truth last night...
      The grip my mate dougie had on his beer money ..I swear the Queens eyes
      were watering!!! :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 13, 2020, 03:57:18 AM
   .With so many millions of people in China the loss of a few hundred Virus patients
    shouldn't  be a big deal. A sort of 'Drop in the ocean'so to speak.. bit like MH 370..

                                                                           Frankie Boyle  :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 15, 2020, 02:11:38 AM
...I treated my Mrs to our usual Valentines Cinema night out on Friday and 
    went for a Big Mac on the way home..we collected our order and made our 
    way to a shared table. Immediately we could see that a sloppy dressed woman
    sitting opposite was demolishing a Burger the size of a cow on her right side
    and Breast feeding a 5 year old boy on the left!!..When my Mrs caught her eye
     she asked.." isn't your little boy too old for breast feeding??...The little boy
     turned to my Mrs and said.." Fuuuc koff...and went back on the nipple!! :o :o
      My Mrs wasn't pleased ...I said we'll stick to Popcorn next year!! >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 17, 2020, 03:20:36 AM
Many tall stories were often passed on by US marines although some were believed to
   be factual. One such story involved a female non combatant officer who had
   always maintained that she would have no fear in killing a guy given the
    opportunity. After a viet guerrilla had been interrogated he was bound hand and
     foot ,gagged, and blindfolded ,and tied to an old wooden chair in a darkened   
   room the woman was given a revolver with two bullets and told to enter
     and shoot this guy twice. After several minutes two shots rang out followed by
    muffled cries and apparent smashing of wood. The woman emerged from the room
     and said "You didn't tell me the bullets were blanks!!...I had to beat him to death
      with the chair!!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 27, 2020, 02:19:16 AM
 I see there was a tugboat on the Thames recently playing a recording of
  the Monty Python tune sung by Eric Idle... "Always look on the bright side of life?
   In Contrast 
   I can't help recalling the Eric Idle sketch advertising his Funeral services...." ring 0412187 if your'e planning on snuffing it..Our Fiat 850 will at your door in 10 minutes!
   ...Free wine glass's with every certified stiff... :o    Re runs of all python films are
    available apparently.. well worth a second view!...

  I have just seen the latest episode of the TV documentary "the station@New st  Featuring two young guys ..namely Nathan and Matt???  Travelling on the last Virgin service from New st To wolves prior to the New franchise....  Coincidence?   
   ..Rail fans?  Really? surely not?

  Being stuck at home indefinitely until further notice If I can offer some humour to
  make your day just present me with a subject and I will do my best!!!  In the meantime Take care.... Windy.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 02, 2020, 04:26:34 AM
Quote from: windy miller on March 27, 2020, 02:19:16 AM
I see there was a tugboat on the Thames recently playing a recording of
  the Monty Python tune sung by Eric Idle... "Always look on the bright side of life?
   In Contrast  it might have been worse... The Bee gees?  Staying A....???
   I can't help recalling the Eric Idle sketch advertising his Funeral services...." ring 0412187 if your'e planning on snuffing it..Our Fiat 850 will at your door in 10 minutes!
   ...Free wine glass's with every certified stiff... :o    Re runs of all python films are
    available apparently.. well worth a second view!...

 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 04, 2020, 08:20:07 PM
  I see the Trainline booking engine is/was refusing to refund advance tickets in
   favour of some future yet to be determined sometime/never alternative? .Assuming
  we live long enough to enjoy the trips!  We're here to help? who? Themselves presumably? .  .to your money!
     The only 'train' on offer here is the Gravy.... with the very real prospect of
    half the country "coughing up" :) maybe its time they took a hint and did
    the same while they still  have a viable business. >: Thieving  Basta*DS  ,   
   In contrast I have just received a re-payment authorisation from West mids Trains
   to be paid within the next eight days and no T&cs.


Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 17, 2020, 12:46:39 AM

    3 eminent surgeons attended a BMA conference in London and began to share
    their most notable operations during their career. An american surgeon claimed
    to have performed a heart and lung operation on a new born child. An Italian
    surgeon claimed to have removed a brain tumour the size of an apple. While the 
    Russian surgeon claimed to have removed a wisdom tooth.  A tooth?? ..said the
     American... Why? we pull thousands of teeth every day in the states!!!...Ah yes!
     said the Russian, the guy was a secret serviceman and this was behind the Iron
     Curtain... And over there we have to keep our mouths shut!! ...
        So I pulled it out through his arse hole...  :)

   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 25, 2020, 06:42:20 PM
  When I was very young and innocent I had my first date with a 13 year old girl.
    When We walked down the lane we saw a bull mounting a cow. Trying to
     be clever I told her the cow was on heat and gave off a smell which attracts
     the Bull. Later we saw a Dog mounting a bitch. I said the female gives off
      a smell which the dog recognises and they Mate. When I got her home
      I asked when she would like to see me again??...
         She said 'When your Cold gets better'!!.   Never understood girls... :-[
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 29, 2020, 04:00:41 AM
 When I was very little I had to share a bed with my two elder brothers  Unfortunately
    they both pissed the bed every night. I learnt to swim before I could walk!
                                                                                       Bernard M   RIP
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: WyreForestShuttle on May 16, 2020, 08:56:58 AM
I am a sure everyone would like to wish Tony a very Happy Birthday and to thank him for his forum likewise Stu for his incisive comments and to Winston for all his hard work and the hours he seems to moderate correcting posts and providing a wealth of bus related posts. Thank You all.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 21, 2020, 02:45:00 AM
   here here . I totally agree tony is doing the job of two men.  (laurel and hardy)
   Well this is (or was) a page for humour ?...  :-\ :-\   Many happy returns Tony...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 07, 2020, 07:12:22 PM
 A London bus driver who had died from covid 19 recently was buried today in north London.
The sad occasion was attended by his close family and friends accompanied by a quiet ceremony.
  Which made a pleasant change from the usual screaming,trepidation,fear and anxiety
   his driving would so often impose on his passengers..........RIP
   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 07, 2020, 07:19:00 PM
  My Mates Mrs was taken to hospital with an unspecified illness. He asked her GP
   for a diagnosis.. " wer'e not sure...said the doctor,.."She either has full blown
   Aids or altzheimers.." How can I tell? My mate asked... "easy! said the doc....
   just drive her three miles up the road and leave her there.  If she finds her way
   home you need to stop shagging.... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 16, 2020, 02:27:12 AM
    Bad News.. The cleanser "wash & Go" is currently in short supply at my local supermarket. Due to Covid demand customers are restricted to Two bottles.
   Good news.. The cleanser "Go & Wash" is available in southall where customers
    are restricted to 10 bottles...... :o.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 16, 2020, 02:29:58 AM
 I read on wikipedia there was a potato famine in Ireland early last century?
  Nah... Irish... They just forgot where they planted them.... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 20, 2020, 10:07:53 PM
 I picked up a hitch-hiker in cornwall last year he said "its very good of you to stop for me..you never know.. I could have been a serial killer!. .Nah I said.."The chances of Two serial killers in the same car must be astronomical....... ;)
 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 29, 2020, 03:04:30 AM
  I did a 10 minute stand up routine in hull many years ago. A few months later I was with the same group of spotters (steam enthusiasts) staying overnight in a notorious pub in Ipswich which I think was called the 'Blue coat Boy'..apparently you could guarentee a  good punch up around closing time!..there was that much broken glass on the floor the alsatian was wearing slippers. :o..  Their usual saturday night 'open mike' routine included karaoke and the occasional comic. When I was approached by the lanlord he said..
  I believe you do a stand up routine?..... I said 'how did you know that?....  He said
   'iv'e had a tip off....Really? I said... National health or private?... ;)   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 12, 2020, 06:56:19 PM
  All this cotton picking nonsense about slavery....5p a day and all the cotton
  you can eat ?... they don't know ther'e born!! ............  :o
                                                                                   B Manning    RiP
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 03, 2020, 05:40:35 PM
I have lost all interest in flying after the aggro I had at heathrow last year..The guy on
baggage security asked " has anyone you don't know put anything in your luggage?
  I said.. I don't know anyone I don't know.... :-\ " Has anyone you don't know given
   you anything?.... I said yes.. I had a couple of days in Amsterdam last year but... ;).
  .then they tell me I have a 4 hour wait ! . When I asked why a woman on the desk
said" The pilot heard a funny noise coming from the Engine and has refused to fly
   the plane   ... It will take us 4hours to find a pilot who can't hear it... >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 24, 2020, 10:32:45 PM
  Just spent a week in a caravan... after two days I had an irresistable urge to wear
  an ear ring and start collecting scrap metal..... what time do taroni's open?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 31, 2020, 02:19:29 AM
   As a very young scout in the early 60's looking for my first 'bob a job'
    I offered to wash my neighbours roller for him before he set off for his
   usual week end round of golf.  He was obviously pleased with my
    efforts and offered to pay me 2/6d.!  As he sorted through a
    handfull of change I noticed he had a small wooden pin.." Whats that?
    I asked politely... " Oh' he said.."thats what you rest your balls on before
    you drive off"... amazing! I said..Rolls Royce think of everything!  :o
     
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 25, 2020, 02:50:18 AM
  My neighbour has always been bone idle and a compulsive Alcoholic .
   He often lost his job when caught drinking in the workplace.
   After He vowed to change his ways he hasn't touched a Job for 10 years! >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 03, 2020, 05:27:52 PM
 I  see the air investigators on the MH370 case have finally found the Wings...
   they are now looking for the Wongs...the Chans..and the Mings.... :(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 03, 2020, 05:41:44 PM
 I remember driving through the scottish hills at high speed when I got
  stopped by police. The officer said " What if Mr Fog comes down?.
  I thought that was sarcastic...I said If "Mr Fog" comes down I will take 'Mr
Foot' off the gas and put it on 'Mr Brake'.   The copper said.NO....
                MIST or fog........ :-[   I wish they'd speak english.... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 03, 2020, 05:52:37 PM
  ... I followed a car for 12 miles in thick fog on a Motorway..when The guy
       suddenly stopped without warning and I ran into the back of his car..
      I opened my door to ask the guy what he was playing at...?
      He said what the F*** are you doing in my Garage??? :-[ :-[
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 06, 2020, 02:46:28 AM
 I'm begining to wonder why we keep a dog... He spends so much time
  chasing people on a bike.. My Mrs said its time we took it off him..... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 14, 2020, 08:36:53 PM
  My Irish neighbour had been a Unicef supporter for many years and went
  to the aid of the starving people of the african congo. He must have
  proved very popular as they Ate him...... >:(  Still ,I expect they were
  thankfull for small Murphys... :'(   I see Lenny Henrys (Ex) Mrs has been over there recently on an (educational)? trip.. The somali's could see what a woman
   on 6 meals a day looks like..... :) 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on October 14, 2020, 08:48:10 PM
Avin a larf?

The ref in the England game!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 15, 2020, 03:16:46 AM
 Agreed... The ref was spanish I believe?... Off topic..If You are looking for
    Car insurance you could do worse than getting a quote from GA.
   (General Accident) are a Respectable (on line) UK broker. If you accept a
   quote  and enter the code M42XK9  you will get a £50 M&S voucher after 
  .6 weeks .I only paid £300 for a fully comp policy with 10yr NCB and an
   RAC Breakdown policy worth £38 included in the price...give them a ring..
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Ian Hardy on October 15, 2020, 04:56:53 PM
We are just about to unveil our new pub name that will be in place while we are in Marshal Law status.

https://twitter.com/danieldaviesrpl/status/1316372320433430528?s=21 (https://twitter.com/danieldaviesrpl/status/1316372320433430528?s=21)

This Wirral pub has changed its name to ‘The Three Bellends.’ in protest at the new Tier 3 restrictions placed on the Liverpool city region. The three people pictured on the new pub sign are: Boris, Hancock & Cummings
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 16, 2020, 03:04:47 AM
 There was a time I would cough to hide my fart....!   now I have to fart
    to hide my cough... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 17, 2020, 03:23:07 AM
  I read that the chinese medics have finally found the guy responsible
   for this Covid virus in Yuhan...Mr R Chu....  bless him....... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 21, 2020, 03:49:24 AM
  After my Mrs had a bath I fancied some nooky..She said leave it out... I'm
   all clean for my appointment with the Gynecologist in the morning!
     ...I said ..err.. you don't have a dental appointment as well?.... ;)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 21, 2020, 04:00:18 AM
    We have been regular visitors to Spain in the past.and often took full
   advantage of duty free's. My Neighbour asked me to bring him back 400
   Fags....When we got home he said...
     'How much do I owe you? I said £250.  He said'£250!... Where did
      you go?...I said   Torquay' ;D
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 27, 2020, 02:08:08 AM
 When I bought my Mrs her first car (A Fiesta) I explained to her everything she needed to do to keep the car topped up, like checking the Fluid levels etc.
  When the car didn't start one morning she asked me Why?... I said.." Shit
   in the carburettor".."oh she said..." How often Do I have to do that??? :'(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 27, 2020, 02:15:01 AM
 In line with current covid restrictions a welsh Supermarket has refused
  to sell a sanitary product from their non essential Aisle!... which is very
   unfair..As Jamrags are usually available in the Robertson's Aisle   :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 27, 2020, 02:20:36 AM
Many years ago my Mrs signed up for this organ donor scheme...when she
  later had cosmetic surgery to remove her excess labia, (fanny flaps)..
   she was surprised to get a letter from a young teenager in Barnsley
    Thanking her for his new Ears....... :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 31, 2020, 02:55:17 AM
  I reckon this conservative cabinet is much like a bunch of banana's..
   .... not a straight one between them   >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 03, 2020, 02:35:29 AM
I heard the Labour leader, Keir starmer was involved in a minor traffic
accident in the city recently. Following his collision with a delivery cyclist
(who sustained damage to his Ribs *) Starmers entire political career passed
before his eyes. Probably the worst 2 minutes in Labour history. :)

  * The rest of the order was undamaged :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 11, 2020, 03:05:51 AM
   Due to covid restrictions my mate sat patiently in an adjacent Hospital room
   while his Mrs was in labour . when the Midwife entered the room to
  congratulate him on being the proud father of three boys!.... well! he said,
   Comes of having a dick like a chimney! :)  mmm..... the Mid wife replied..
   maybe you should get it swept!... the kids are all BLACK :o
     
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 14, 2020, 04:40:06 AM
   On my bus ride yesterday I Overheard two young girls in conversational
   'Brummy'... (quote).. "wimgorrah be nice to ashia az ersavin her d'wally
       .good to see our 'brummy' accent is not lost in 2020........ :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 17, 2020, 03:02:28 AM
 My Mate bought some West Bromwich Albion wallpaper from the club shop
   recently I asked him if it was any good?..He said " it goes UP well enough
     but it doesn't STAY up ...cant think why?..  Nothing new there then :-\ 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 19, 2020, 03:59:12 AM
   Our local Chemist shop was burgled recently the Burglar took everything
   except Brylcream and condoms.    The police are looking for a catholic
   with a bald head........ :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 23, 2020, 04:15:41 AM
  My Mrs was told not to feed the seagulls on Brighton beach? Apparently
  breast feeding is not a good idea as they get complaints... :).
  The beach attendant asked her to move off the beach as the tide was waiting
   to come in....fat arse git...... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 25, 2020, 12:24:32 PM
  My mate and I spent part of our gap year in Nairobi.On one occasion we sat
    down for an outdoor snack and spent some time trying to figure out
    how to order a club sandwich in Africaan :)..Fortunately the waiter spoke
    good English and claimed that he could provide us with any sandwich filler
    of our choice. My Mate asked for an elephant foreskin on white bread!!...
    The waiter returned after 5 minutes empty handed. " Ha.Ha .." NO
    Elephant foreskins then? said my mate .  The waiter replied   "No.....
    we Just ran out of white bread.. >:(.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 30, 2020, 11:07:10 AM
I was glad to get my 'foot' up over the weekend!..after a week of
varied luck and misfortune. I had a mail from a TOC telling me my advance
   tickets were non refundable, (bad news)..I sent a stinker to their CEO
  and asked my bank to authorise a 'charge back' C/o Visa. Result? a
  travel voucher for the full amount valid for 12 months. (good news) .
I attended my appointment for a flu jab but fell and injured my ankle in
   the car park! (bad news)... As the nurse rolled up my sleeve she said:
   " you might feel a bit of a prick...." I certainly do!..I replied..I get
    an ankle injury and I only came in for a Jab!! >:(   Fortunately just
    a badly bruised Achilles (good news) I just need an eye patch and a parrot ..   sorted :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 01, 2020, 12:03:42 PM
 My Mrs may not have had the biggest minge in the world when we first
   met but she certainly has now! ;)..When she realised she had no money
   to cover her taxi fare, she dropped her drawers, opened her legs and said..
    "can I pay with this?
   ..The taxi bloke replied. ' yes...But do you have anything smaller???
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 01, 2020, 02:02:54 PM
..When I ran my Mrs to the clinic for a D&C I spoke to her Gynaecologist
   afterwards." Did you see anything unusual"? I asked...'well', He said...
"Lord Lucan riding Shergar was unexpected but apart from that  she was fine" :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 01, 2020, 02:14:07 PM
 When Wayne Rooney sat on his favourite horse at Aintree last year, the
  horse was unexpectedly 'spooked' and set off at speed. Unable to control
  the horse he was unseated and fell off.With one leg caught in the saddle
and the other leg on the floor,He desperately  hung on for his life.
  Fortunately After a few minutes Colleen had finished her shopping
   and was able to turn it off........ :) :) :)
     
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 16, 2020, 06:57:21 PM
 As a fit guy in my early thirties I found short term employment as an
  usher at Leeds crown court. It never ceased to amaze me the eclectic mix
  of low life in the dock. On one occasion, after his 'summing up' the judge
  asked the defendant.."do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?
   in reply the guy said' "F*ck all!".Unfortunately with his hearing impaired
   the judge turned to the clerk of the court.." What did he say?..he asked.
   " He said Fuck All your honour... mm..strange! said the judge.." I could
    have sworn he said something"...... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 25, 2020, 02:10:38 AM
   The last time I saw my GP he told me I had a bad case of Alice.
   Alice?..." Whats that?..I asked..   The Doc said he was not sure but
    Christopher Robin went down with it ...
   .. I need to buy more expensive crackers..  :).    Merry Christmas
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 02, 2021, 11:37:11 PM
 When the 'Scotsman' pulled out of Paddington back in 2019.........
Paddington rolled on his side and enjoyed a post coital Marmalade Sandwich...
........ :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 10, 2021, 02:45:47 AM
When an elderly beggar knocked on my door last year we didn't hear him.
  undaunted he tried his luck at our back door instead.....
  'got any cake?..said this scruffy bastard.. " Cake?..I said.. "Who are you?
   " I'm an old war veteran on hard times..he replied.
     mmm ..An old soldier Eh?... Were you at the Front???  I asked
   "Yes! he said.  .but I couldn't get an answer.... >:( >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 15, 2021, 02:00:27 AM
  ...   " I have nothing to offer but blood, toil, tears, and sweat.

                              Winston Churchill   1940

                " When things go right, (or so they say)
                  Life is just a song.....
                  But a mans worth while
                  if he can smile
                  When everything's gone f'n wrong......
                     
                                  Adolf Hitler  1945


                                                 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 09, 2021, 02:54:32 AM
 My Mrs had known Mr Ali for many years and often bought groceries from
  his (Asian) corner shop. News of his recent death came as a surprise.
  apparently on his arrival at heavens gate he was told by the gate keeper
  that heaven is reserved for Christians only...Mr Ali replied.."I gave £2000
  to christian aid week on Monday!!...Peter set off to check with the 'boss'.
  he returned a short time later with good news..." Boss said 'give him
   his 2 grand back and tell him to fuck off.... >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 22, 2021, 02:39:49 AM
  I notice several song titles and/or lyrics have been altered to reflect
   the current covid crisis... (Abba)...Testing me Testing you...
      .... Inoculations ..and Jubilation's..I want the world to Know I'm
    Happy covid free... (Cliff R) ... Or maybe.. I get Lockdown  but I
     get up again...(.?)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 12, 2021, 01:34:17 AM

    All this con flab between messrs Sturgeon and salmon'd...
   sounds a bit fishy if you ask me....... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 12, 2021, 01:38:15 AM
 

  The family of the late Jimmy saville have reduced the size of his grave
   he now has a small hole with a little bush.....a Spokesman said today...
     "Its what he would have wanted...... :o.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 12, 2021, 01:40:39 AM
 
I was asked if I know any french phrases?... I said I only know two....
     .....".Thats never happened to me before....and "is it in yet? :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 07, 2021, 03:18:00 AM
 I do wish my local dog walkers would pick up their dog shit in the park!
... Its not always convenient to carry a golf club around with me! :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 22, 2021, 07:10:42 PM
  When I last went to see my GP I told him I had developed an identity
  crisis..... One minute I think I'm a Tee-pee and the next minute I
  think I'm a wigwam???... The doc said  "you are too tense" :) 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 22, 2021, 07:15:23 PM
  When we had a (polish) store man at Longbridge  we called him 'jigsaw'....
   as every time he had a crisis ...he just went to pieces...  :) :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 11, 2021, 12:30:14 AM
   Our poodle died of old age recently...my Mrs was obviously upset and I
   tried to console her.... I promised to buy her another one exactly the same.
   why ? she said sobbing.... Why would I want TWO dead dogs???..  ??? ???
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 11, 2021, 12:41:50 AM
  I'm getting rather good at this hidden 'spy' camera voyeurism lark...
  My neighbour has just made another sex tape..(she doesn't know it yet ;) :) )
  I'm looking forward to her next shag in the bathroom!... :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 13, 2021, 06:13:36 PM
  My Mrs has been complaining to the council to do something about
  the stinky pond at the bottom of our garden... after several requests the
  council have decided to solve the problem.. they are sending 3 ducks >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 16, 2021, 06:37:18 PM
  I hear there has been a massive explosion in battersea this afternoon...
  .....its raining dogs and cats apparently... :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 16, 2021, 06:59:12 PM
  I look forward to the tennis at Wimbledon every year.. I remember
  the commentary on the ladies final where sue barker said (..quote)
  ' thats a  beautiful slice!.... Serena realy must wear knickers next year! :o 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 18, 2021, 02:38:19 AM
  Thanks to the gov update on the covid contact scenario today
   I was finally able to visit our elderly neighbour at her care home.
. "how was she? My Mrs asked.... " Like a fish out of water"! I said
   " Hows that? she asked...       .I said ... Dead :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 26, 2021, 07:17:49 PM
  It looks like holly willoughby has suffered from dyslexia for years....
   apparently she had always wanted alphabeti spaghetti but her mother
  always gave her ordinary spaghetti as she couldn't tell the difference,... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 26, 2021, 07:21:49 PM
  After our terrier died recently I bought a new dog which my Mrs was pleased about. Unfortunately he has been chasing people on a bike...... We have
had a discussion about it and decided that we will have to take it off him... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 23, 2021, 05:11:58 PM

   A short conversation between two gay cowboys?
              "YUP?............  YEP!    :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 28, 2021, 01:55:11 AM
 My Mrs has asked me to get her a longer dipstick for her car...she
   said the one she has got doesn't reach the oil ...cant think why :-\
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Wumpty on July 23, 2021, 12:27:29 PM
Young lad walks up to an ice cream van holding a toy gun and says to the lady, "Gimme an ice cream you old cow!".

Lady asks, "Do you want crushed nuts?", and the young lad says, "Do you want me to blow your tits off luv?!?!"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 29, 2021, 04:59:41 PM
   Many years ago my then 8 year old grandson asked me the age old question..
    " Granddad.. " where do we get babies from???   'The Stork Brings them!
   I replied confidently..... mmm he said..'So...Who fuks the Stork??? :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 05, 2021, 06:14:48 PM
   
I'd swear my Mrs was born with Britain s biggest minge :o I had never had
reason to question her fidelity, but On a recent 'swift' withdrawal finding a
grubby little condom stuck on the end of my tool came as a surprise!   
   as I swear I had not put one on when I went in!  mmm :-\....
  On her last visit to the clinic for a D&C I took the opportunity to ask her
  Gynaecologist if she spotted anything Unusual?... 'Well' she replied..
   apart from Lord Lucan riding Shergar there was nothing I hadn't
  seen before....  ??? ???
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 11, 2021, 01:24:01 AM
    I can't believe how fashion conscious some older women can be
     My sister in law has now refused her colostomy op as she can't
     get shoes to match the bag!.... ??? ???
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 21, 2021, 03:27:28 AM
   I heard the lexicographer Susie Dent likes to retire with a dictionary
   and enjoys a good flick before bedtime.... a bit like your MUM
    when reading 50 shades of grey.... :o    Personally I cant see the
    attraction of a Dulux paint chart??.......... :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 09, 2021, 03:19:25 PM
   Apparently the word 'bollocks' has been used for many centuries...
  I heard the hebrew equivalent had been noted in the Bilble on several
   occasions.... more likely joseph in his reply to his Mrs when she told him
she was pregnant by a ghost.... :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 09, 2021, 03:32:01 PM
  Living in south london as a youngster there were many local areas
  known as hills...eg denmark..herne.. primrose ..tulse..ect... When a
  member of my class arrived late for our first lesson the Teacher asked..
    Why are you late?.. Where have you been??... 'Ive been up
   primrose hill miss...a short time later another boy arrived late and he
too was asked the same question.. 'where have you been?... Again the
  boy replied 'Up primrose hill miss... followed by the arrival of a  10yr
  old girl...'I suppose YOU have been up primrose hill too? the Teacher asked..
  NO miss...the girl replied.... I AM Primrose Hill!! :o :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 29, 2021, 11:29:26 PM
  My Mate has always been a compulsive gambler...( Which my Mrs doesn't approve of)...but when we heard he had lost his wife recently we naturaly offered our sincere condolences. On his recent vist we asked him how
  he lost his wfe at such a young age???   Well..he replied.. I only had a
  pair of tens...the other guy had a straight... :o :o :o

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 13, 2021, 02:58:59 AM
I believe another member of the intrepid Campbell family is/will be
  attempting the world water speed record in a new vehicle after his late
fathers tragic misfortune on coniston water many years ago......it would
appear that although he (Donald) was travelling at over 200mph
  unfortunately you need to be IN the boat at the time....Hence the old
adage.. "Whats brown and skims across the water at 200mph??....ans?
  Donald Campbells underpants! :)....Did they find the body?... maybe not..
  at that speed it probably still going..... :) :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 21, 2021, 02:25:03 AM
    One Carol should be popular in Essex this christmas,,,
    (Once)........        In 'Royal' Davids City...     R.I.P Dave   :'(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 21, 2021, 02:32:30 AM
  Apparently Prince Charles is an honory president of the magic circle?
  thanks to his ability to make his balls dissapear? .. I suspect the late
Diana would have had a similar thought... Maybe her Maj might like
  to employ his magic to make his brother dissapear? :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 03, 2021, 03:07:14 AM
   Back in the late sixties we learnt a few home truths back in coseley!..
    eg. "if yow work ard and do yo best..you'll get the sack. (like all the rest.)!..
      But if you lark and f#*k about yow'l live to see the job royt aht!.
  .  . it dow pay to do the lot..cos when yam gone yow'l be forgot...
     and on your tombstone, (neatly lacqured)  will be three words...
                                 I'm Bleedin Knackered! >:( >:(
             
           
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 07, 2021, 03:29:59 AM
   With the Villa team losing 5 matches in a row I hear they are signing
   two new chinese players next week?... weiwun wunce and aywun sin...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 07, 2021, 03:40:32 AM
   With reports of rape and assault in the news recently there will no doubt
   be many sex offenders attending police stations this week end....
          ...to start their shift... >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Wumpty on November 25, 2021, 08:18:17 AM
'Tis the season to be jolly, so be mindful that police are out in force with the Christmas drink drive campaign.

Personally it doesn't affect me as I got absolutely leathered then took a bus - the police waved us through last year's checkpoint. Christ knows how that happened - I can't drive a bus and don't know where I nicked it from!!!!!

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 01, 2021, 03:09:48 AM
  I heard a similar story in Dublin where three brothers got totally bladdered
   on a night out and had no money for a taxi,, The eldest brother,(Patrick)
   Suggested that Seamus waited while he and Murphy went off to steal
  a bus from their local garage to get them home. To his surprise his two brothers turned up in a Double Decker Bus!
" why did you choose a Double Deck bus? ? Asked Seamus..
  ..     A single Deck  would have been ok!...  'Ah'royt  said Patrick..I would
  have but Murphy wanted a smoke... :).

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 06, 2021, 03:09:27 AM
   I see there has been more talk on TV recently about this strange 'Bermuda Triangle' phenomenon where numerous planes and vessels seemingly
disappear without trace ??. I refuse to wear Bermuda shorts now in case
   my knob disappears..... >:(
   
   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Steveminor on December 17, 2021, 09:46:23 PM
5 sided shape = Pentagon
6 sided shape = hexagon
8 sided shape = octagon
Lewis Hamilton = titlegon
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 18, 2021, 04:48:57 AM
 Nice concept . There should have been a penalty for changing tyres while the safety car is on the circuit? thus allowing verstappen to catch u.  if hamiliton had done the same and the safety car pulled off the circuit he would have lost his place. Verstappen should have been given a 4 second penalty. IN ADDITION There should have  been an enquiry into the circumstances of the accident.?.. it could easily have been a deliberate ploy to slow the race
to verstappens advantage. The entire business stinks i'm not a F1 fan and never have been but clearly there needs to be some rule changes in the future....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Steveminor on December 18, 2021, 06:39:12 AM
If you listen to the team radios, they were all expecting the lapped cars to be released a lot earlier than they were & that's what normally happens. If they did that net result would be the same Verstappen wins. Start race & give those 4 blue flags, well we know they'd just have pulled straight over & let Verstappen past so as not to get involved in championship battle, again net result Verstappen wins.
They should have pulled Hamilton in, yes he would have lost track position to Verstappen but he'd have the faster car & faster tyres net result Hamilton wins.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: the trainbasher on December 18, 2021, 11:18:37 AM
RB Saltzberg are hoping for the same officials that Red Bull had in the F1...

That would clinch them the win in the Champions League.

-------‐-----

The Bayern Munich match is a bit scary. A Pole, a German and an Austrian.

Bit awkward.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 20, 2021, 02:27:37 AM
   No doubt the potential Tyre damage from track debris would have
anticipated the safety vehicle...But I need to assure myself this is    
  (or was )a joke page.?....so the difference between a
    risky F1 circuit and a risque Nymphomaniac??? Simple'? 
     One Knackers your tyres.... the  other  T...  your  Kn.....s :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 20, 2021, 08:56:44 PM
I have to agree with my Mrs, we need to compromise due to inflation
  but having to use  both sides of the bog roll is a bit much >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Wumpty on December 21, 2021, 09:45:05 AM
On a recent trip to deepest Cornwall, Boris Johnson was stopped by an old lady who'd got a couple of issues........

Boris asked what they were. The first, she said, was our brand new medical centre has no doctor. Boris whips out his mobile and is heard demanding a doctor to be employed. Boris tells her that the new doctor will be here the following day.

He asked what the second issue was, where she said that there was absolutely no mobile phone signal and could they have some masts erected so they could use their mobile phones!!!!!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 24, 2021, 04:24:44 AM
 Back in the early 60's a priest attended an Irish school RE class in Dublin. 
He asked the young Ryan Murphy . 'who pulled down the walls of jericho??
  ."  it wasn't me Father!..He replied.. The priest later told his teacher that
when  the young Murphy lad was asked the question he replied 'Not me!..
  the Teacher replied..'  I v'e known the murphy family for 40 years.. "If he
  said it wasn't him... He didn't do it!..  :o
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 16, 2022, 06:10:13 AM
   A grand OLD title?... So Prince andrew has been stripped of his royal
   patronages but Still keeps his title 'the Duke of York'?
' well... he should be safe from his female accuser(s)
     as the last I heard he had 10,000 men :)..     I expect they
   got sick of marching up and down.... >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 23, 2022, 04:28:07 AM
 My mate has a list of all the things he wants to do before he dies...which he refers to as his 'Bucket' list...
  ....I had to explain to him that I also have a similar list....
...  All the things I have never done,never likely to,and never will in a million years!..
  I call it my 'Fuckit' list. :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 12, 2022, 02:46:54 AM
  Me and the Missus are always ready to try something new between
  the sheets.... When we heard about the '71' position  we were keen to
  give it a try.  Unfortunately this '71' position was just a normal '69'..
  ..with two fingers up your arse >:(   What a bummer... >:( >:(
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 24, 2022, 01:43:00 AM
   Years ago on a visit to a farmer in essex... I accidentaly ran over
   their cockrell and killed it.... Obviously I sought to apologise to the
   farmers wife... " i'm sorry I have run over your cockrell and I would
   like to replace it"..." please yourself! she replied... "
  The hens are round the back... :o


Barry Cryer r.i.p
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 06, 2022, 06:48:14 PM
  After I had gone 4 ends down at my local crown green match I got
   heckled mercifully from a by stander.... " When can we see your comeback
   Windy??? Ha..ha.   I told him if he wants to see MY comback he needs to
   ask his mother to spit it out next time I'm round his place.... >:(
     ......... don't heckle me mate :)
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: bubble2899 on March 08, 2022, 07:23:37 PM
As a bus driver, if I have a bad day at work I look in the saloon  mirror and quietly mumble "you are all arse holes," then tap my brakes twice do they all nod
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 16, 2022, 02:47:48 AM
    When Two Ukranian checkpoint guards were controlling the recent
    curfew anyone on the street after midnight were likely to be shot.
   When a guy passed the checkpoint on his bike at 11.55pm one of the
   guards shot him.   Its only 11.55pm??  said his mate...Why have you
    shot him ? ." easy" said his mate...I know where the guy lives...
   ..He wouldn't have made it back before 12... >:(


Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 14, 2022, 11:00:04 PM
Way back in the 50's it was not uncommon to find music hall entertainment in the form of a monologue(s)  often accompanied by a series of hand gestures. One most notable example was the title' Theres a little yellow idol to the north of katmandu...(the tale of 'mad' carew)
 
Unfortunately the narrative would often be 'parodied' for amusement
and had many alternatives where you would simply insert your own verse.
as Indeed I have done.....
 
  There's a stinking gents urinal,(platform 7 @ waterloo)
 and another one for ladies close by too...
 Where a soldier..(Broken hearted) paid 10p and only farted
 aren't you glad that realy wasn't you...?

Iv'e had a piss in Turkey,and a crap in bangalore
Iv'e sat on cold ceramics with one foot on the door...
but confronted by the sight of other peoples shite
and their mis-directed piss all on the floor
when your shit hole doesn't flush and (unless your'e in a rush)                                           you wouldn't want to 'go' there  thats for sure!!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 10, 2022, 02:38:52 AM
 I think it was a young David Hockney who once said (on his first
 visit to the cinema).. "the guy sat next to me leaned ascross and put
 his hand on my cock!..... Iv'e been in love with the cinema ever since....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 19, 2022, 03:27:57 PM
My Mrs said she has no interest in politics...but the idea of a video of 
 Nadine Dor..and Liz Tr.." Jilling off" with a 10" Double ender on the back benches would appeal to her.   ?  All that wobbly tit and Quivering cellulite?
 .sound good to me too!... Where can I buy a copy?   
 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 27, 2022, 05:35:14 PM
 When My mate told me he was expecting a post to South Africa in the next   few months I told that South Africa unfortunately has one BIG Drawback....
 What's that ? he asked...An Elephants Foreskin!  I said.... Ha
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 20, 2022, 09:51:26 PM
My daughter and her son returned from a memorable day in 
london yesterday obviously both very tired. My grandson posed me a question.." grandad.... whats Long, Black and Shuffles?... my first thought? maybe the Queue of Coal miners waiting to piss on Mrs thatchers grave? .or the queue for the dole office in Notting Hill perhaps?... Apparently not....
it was the memorial Queue on the Embankment!.and they were there!..ER  RIP
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 03, 2022, 03:24:39 AM
   Apparently Prince Andrew was told NOT to wear his military medals
   at his mothers funeral... Although a track suit and a 'fix it' badge would
    have been more acceptable on the day...... :grin:     
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 08, 2022, 01:50:58 AM
   My Mrs Suggested we try using make up to improve our sex life?
   Good Idea!.....I stuck her lipstick up my arse and had a good wank
   while she was out....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 14, 2022, 02:42:01 AM
Some bad driving habits never die....I had a lorry driver right up my arse
 yesterday.........  although it was decent of him to give me a lift,.... :laugh:
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 14, 2022, 02:45:18 AM
 When I was six years old my mother asked me what I wanted to do when
  I grew up?.... I told her I wanted to be shot into space.... she said
  " if your father had pulled out ...you would have been..... :huh:
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 24, 2022, 01:49:30 AM
  I heard jimmy saville managed to curb his alcohol addiction...
   before his death he was down to two tots a week......
  His grave has also been replaced by a small hole and a little bush...
   a family spokeperson said today.. "its what he would have wanted..." :wink:
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 06, 2022, 03:51:27 AM
Several years ago my Mrs was aware of her fathers failing eyesight.
With little improvement in 2017 I took them to the eye hospital for advice.
Following an assesment by a senior physician we were told that although
corrective surgery would be beneficial there were no appointments available for at least 3 weeks. In addition,all ops were determined in terms of their urgency.
When my Mrs said (Quote)" He keeps telling me I'm beautifull"....The Physician
looked at my Mrs.... " Would 9.30am tomorrow suit you?? 
 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 13, 2023, 05:29:43 PM
 When a Falklands war officer suffered serious head injuries he lost both his
 balance and his right Ear. After his initial surgery he was later offered pioneering
 reconstructive technology with a prosthesis developed from a Pigs ear.   
 After a successful operation he was approached by a medical journalist
 and asked for his approval. The guy replied " My Hearing and reception would
 have been 100% had it not been for the Crackling on one side"....... 
  
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Ginger66 on January 14, 2023, 05:25:31 PM
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Ginger66 on January 14, 2023, 09:16:26 PM
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Ginger66 on January 15, 2023, 01:35:15 PM
I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine who was run over and is currently in hospital. The wheels on the bus go round and round 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 16, 2023, 02:21:57 AM
Quote from: Ginger66 on January 14, 2023, 05:25:31 PMA woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to the man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you."
Posted before I think some time ago
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 16, 2023, 02:25:58 AM
Quote from: Ginger66 on January 14, 2023, 09:16:26 PMA man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
Quote from: Ginger66 on January 14, 2023, 09:16:26 PMA man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise.

"Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"   This was one of Bernard manning best joke lines told at a police ball 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 17, 2023, 07:06:38 PM
Quote from: windy miller on January 13, 2023, 05:29:43 PMWhen a Falklands war officer suffered serious head injuries he lost both his
 balance and his right Ear. After his initial surgery he was later offered pioneering
 reconstructive technology with a prosthesis developed from a Pigs ear. 
 After a successful operation he was approached by a medical journalist
 and asked for his approval. The guy replied " My Hearing and reception would
 have been 100% had it not been for the Crackling on one side".......
 

When my father flew over France in the war his co pilot caught a bullet in the face and he lost his tongue,, my father said he never talked about it............
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 17, 2023, 07:11:00 PM
Quote from: Ginger66 on January 15, 2023, 01:35:15 PMI would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine who was run over and is currently in hospital. The wheels on the bus go round and round
A music teacher got the sack for teaching a similar version...... the  Mus***s on the bus
   go bang bang bang was considered inappropriate..........
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 20, 2023, 04:27:25 AM
Quote from: Ginger66 on January 15, 2023, 01:35:15 PMI would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine who was run over and is currently in hospital. The wheels on the bus go round and round
A friend of mine got hit by a bus and spent 3 weeks in hospital in a neck brace... :angry:
 My hospital radio music choice...♫ Looking back...♫ over my shoulder ♫..  maybe wasn't the best choice.....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 20, 2023, 04:31:31 AM
Quote from: Ginger66 on January 15, 2023, 01:35:15 PMI would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine who was run over and is currently in hospital. The wheels on the bus go round and round
My local VD germ got run over by a bus too.... as he rightly said before he died...
   " I'm a goner here...."
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 23, 2023, 02:32:11 AM
   On my last visit to my local Greek restaurant I asked how long it would take
   to cook my favourite kalimari. (Octopus) ? the waiter replied  " About 3 Hours.... 
   surprised, I asked him why it took so long?.." to make sure they are fresh
   we need to cook them while they are still alive"... Unfortunately they keep
   turning the f*** ing gas off  when we are not looking..... 
  
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 25, 2023, 01:30:18 AM
A Distraught  B.A  Air stewardess reported that the pilot had died and she had no idea
how to land the plane...The Tower advised her to stay calm and answer the following
questions... " What is your height and position?..asked the tower.. The stewardess
replied.." I'm 5'4" and I'm sitting down" ..after a short pause the controller said
repeat after me...."Our Father which art in He...... :smiley:
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 10, 2023, 09:14:42 PM
 On my visit to Northern Ireland I asked the meaning of their Single yellow line in the   street? " That's No parking at all ".. the officer replied.....   .. What about
 the Double Yellow line? I asked... Arh! he said. "Thats No Parhkin ATall Atall... :smiley:
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 21, 2023, 07:11:33 PM
 Some time ago In a conversation with an american guy He asked me 
 why Avanti Rail had issues with profitability ? In an effort to explain
 I told him that due to the extensive network of HS 2 Engineering work
 the UK HSE ( health and safety) has issued a directive that ALL trains
 were to be fronted by a Guy on foot with a red lamp. To avoid fatigue
 the Guy is replaced by another guy from the train every mile. 
 Unfortunately on a service to Glasgow the 400 guys required would
 occupy the train and leave no room for passengers  :smiley:  and subsequent
  loss of profits...   Never saw him again.....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 27, 2023, 02:53:24 AM
   Not sure about some of these guys on strike... As I said to a guy on the picket line.last Tuesday...   " I see the Daffodils are out..... " Is that official or unofficial? he replied... ... :rolleyes: .
.
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 28, 2023, 12:09:12 AM
Quote from: windy miller on January 20, 2023, 04:27:25 AMA friend of mine got hit by a bus and spent 3 weeks in hospital in a neck brace... :angry:
 My hospital radio music choice...♫ Looking back...♫ over my shoulder ♫..  maybe wasn't the best choice.....

When a friend of mine managed to get a spiderman figure wedged up his arse he claimed it was an accident..Yeah..as IF... as he lay in his hospital bed waiting for surgery I arranged for a music track for him on the hospital radio..♫... Gotta search for the ♫ Hero insida me♫♫
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 02, 2023, 10:37:47 PM
Had the sister in law round today ...usual drivel with my Mrs over the dinner table.....
 she asked my Mrs if she has any hygiene issues with our 8 yr old Yorkie  sharing the
 bed with us every night??...My Mrs said " You get used to the stray hairs, Bad breath
 Body odor and stinking farts...       but Iv'e had to put up with it for 37 years ..!
 its never bothered the dog..... :angry:   Cheeky git.. .Needless to say I gave my repost!,
I told her my Mrs realy knows how to brighten up a room!..usually by moving away
 from the window!!!.. :wink: . Her Atkins diet starts on Tuesday...ha

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on April 09, 2023, 08:08:58 PM
  So all of these Bus Tracker devices are accurate then???  It looks like the 21 service
 (Coventry) has been re numbered 997?... Working with EO 58 on Saturday with another
 'Ghost bus' .(.6812) right behind it :laugh: ..no doubt Driven by an  InsSPECTRE  :smiley:
 I expect as a 'ghost' bus maybe the driver was running out of whoooos  ?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 02, 2023, 01:46:17 AM
In my late teens I would have several chat up lines....all of which were fairly
common... like "did you hurt yourself when you fell from heaven???? etc
On one date with an attractive blonde she seemed to be more interested in my 
all singin..all dancin multi function watch with buttons everywhere.. I took it off and held it towards her.."My watch can tell me everything about you! I said.. "Its telling me you are not wearing any Knickers!." Your watch is wrong she replied...I AM wearing Knickers! " Strange.. I said...Its usually very accur...AH!..I said after a closer look."my watch is an Hour FAST... :wink:
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 13, 2023, 03:26:56 AM
   I took my granddaughter to Dudley zoo last year.. we saw a baguette in a cage...
   apparently it was bread in captivity..... :shocked:  

Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 26, 2023, 06:58:50 PM
   During our 'lock down' and when my Mrs was visiting 'Aunt Irma' :wink:
  and  away for a day or two... I took the opportunity to bang My neighbors Mrs ! On our new bed too!.. Now the Memory Foam mattress is trying to blackmail me!!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on May 26, 2023, 07:12:52 PM
 Back in the mid sixties on a formal state visit to Belgium Our dear Queen Elizabeth II was being carried in a Horse drawn  Landau through the streets of Brussels accompanied by the then Belgian King...  after several minutes one of the horses let out an horrendous fart which was clearly audible to everyone. The Belgian King quickly apologized to her Maj....
  the Queen immediately replied .." Its no problem!... I thought it was the Horse! :smiley:



 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on June 04, 2023, 01:13:27 AM
  There was a time when I dropped something on the floor I would have no hesitation
  to bend down and pick it up..... these days if I drop something on the floor I tend to stand and look at it for a few minutes... then decide whether I really need it anymore...its
  called old age.....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on July 12, 2023, 01:08:19 AM
A late night US talk show last year featured the decriminalization of US Polygamy Law.
As a group of Mormons had long advocated the subject and have no issue with its legality 
at least within consenting adults of a close group where a partner may consider more than one wife / mistress (or both)!...as a young 16 yr old girl complimented her 'beau' 
recently..  'Your'e a better screw than your father! .to which the guy replied..'Strange you 
say that..  'Your mother said the same thing only yesterday!............. :angry:
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 01, 2023, 03:10:00 AM
So .Iv'e had a busy day in Birmingham city centre and I am making my way home on the cross city line to Lichfield . I was trying to get some shut eye while I sat in my window seat
 NO chance..!. The moment I closed my eyes some overweight female in her late 20's sat down on the seat beside me and immediately began a conversation on her mobile  (much 
 to my annoyance). As her conversation began.." Its SUE... I'm on a later train.... the early
 one was cancelled.... NO I'm not at the office...No i.m not having it off with the boss...
 you know I love you... I would never cheat on you darling!...after several minutes of this crap I'd had enough .I leaned over towards her phone..and said....." For Gods sake Sue... Come off the phone and come back to Bed.!!!.  The guy disappeared.... as did she  PDQ! :evil:  
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on August 03, 2023, 03:22:37 AM
  When an English Irish and Scots guy were captured by a tribe of cannibals in the jungle
  The tribal chief,( who spoke good English) had them prepared for a meal.
  He asked the Irish guy where he was from. He said "Dublin". .the chief put him down for Irish stew...He then asked the Scots guy where he was from... The Scot replied " Glasgow"
 the chief put him down for a scotch broth starter... He then asked the English guy where he was from.. The Guy replied  " Birmingham".... Brum?   replied the chief excitedly... 
 .." Av yo sin anythin of our kid on the buses???.....

  
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 04, 2023, 04:25:34 PM
  an irish sky diver was killed today over Dublin when his flippers failed to open
  Classic  J carrot
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 04, 2023, 04:31:29 PM
 Ruben and hymie were walking home from prayers late one evening in Golders Green when they were approached by a group of thugs.... Hymie said " I think we are going to get mugged !! Yes. I think your'e right! said Ruben.... I'm sure of it!.... By the way Hymie...
 Here's that £50 I owe you.....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 15, 2023, 11:05:43 PM
 Apparently there will soon be a an app to tell you the porn flick preferences 
 for every country in the world...as my late father once said.. " it makes you wonder what the world's coming to.... :smiley:
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 15, 2023, 11:20:43 PM
A giant Rabbit walked into a greengrocers ..jumped on a table and asked for a pound of carrots...and banged on the counter.... The shopkeeper said.." I will sell you a pound of carrots..but DON'T bang on the counter!!.... The next day the Rabbit returned with the same M.O... " pound of carrots please!  and Banged on the counter... The shopkeeper said.. " I told you yesterday... I will sell you a pound of carrots But DON'T Bang the counter!!! If you do that again I will Nail you to the wall and eat you for dinner!...  The next day the Rabbit was back again.. " Got any Nails??? asked the Rabbit... the shopkeeper replied "NO"..... The Rabbit said   " pound of carrots please... Bang...
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on September 18, 2023, 05:56:07 PM
A young Jewish teenager in New York Had been saying a prayer every Saturday night 
 for several weeks asking for God to grant him a win on the national lottery...  
  with his plea becoming more expressive and desperate each week and with no success 
  on his sixth attempt the heavens opened....and a booming voice rang out.." ruben...
  RUBEN!.... Meet me haff vay.... buy a Vhukin Tikhet! :angry:
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 12, 2023, 07:08:13 PM
Quote from: Liverpool Street on August 30, 2015, 01:14:46 PMHahahaha
Windy, you kill me
Here's one I forgot::   ex page 33 check it out


    There was a young guy from Gwent
    whose tool was exceedingly bent
    to save himself trouble
    he put it in double
    and instead of 'cumming'   he Went
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on October 21, 2023, 03:39:07 AM
 My Mrs had a Bingo 'buddy' and would play every Wednesday last week her 'buddy' (Doris)
 had a big win on a national game sadly on her way home she was hit by a car in a hit and run accident and later died in hospital.. When she made it to heavens gate she spoke to the great man .. I don't understand it she said...I go to church every Sunday and you granted me a big win on the Bingo?...then you have me knocked down in an accident??? The Great man looked at her closely..." Doris???.. Doris Cartwright!!!!  F... Me ..I didn't recognize you .sorry about that! 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 08, 2023, 03:41:41 AM
  My Mrs said I only have two faults... (1) I dont listen to her  and (2....) something else
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 21, 2023, 02:51:37 AM
 An Avid Donald Trump supporter enters a bookstore in New York
 and asks " Do you have a copy of the Trump biography about Refusing all Muslims
 and Mexicans entry to the US ??  I cant think what the title is off hand....
 The Bookseller ,(being a devout Muslim Himself).. Took offence at his request.
    " Fuck off and stay away!  said the retailer..... 
             " Thats the One!..replied the guy.... Have you got it in paperback? 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: Celestial Toymaker on November 21, 2023, 06:39:37 PM
There was a bandy legged policeman from crewe,
who said i really don't know what to do,
i can stop without fuss,
a lorry or bus,
but bubble cars simply go through......
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 22, 2023, 12:54:51 AM
 there was a young spinster from crewe 
 who got screwed by a vicar from Kew
 she said ' The verger is slicker
 he's thicker (and quicker)
  and 3" longer than you!
  
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on November 22, 2023, 01:05:27 AM
    A young girl got married in Chester
    Her mother she kissed her and blessed her
    She said'   Your'e in luck..!
    He's a rattling good fuck..
    I had him myself once..
    in Leicester!
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: uniquicity on November 29, 2023, 02:22:33 PM
Tell you what the joke is, it's the declining standards of grammar,  spelling and punctuation on this forum... 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 01, 2023, 06:48:03 PM
 yam royt our kid....... I heard a girl on the bus yesterday  say......
   wimgorra be nice to ashaa as ers avin er dawally?
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on December 29, 2023, 04:05:25 AM

  when my father told me there was no such person as Santa Claus  I was realy dissapointed.... I was so upset I got in my car and went for a drive....
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 12, 2024, 05:00:48 AM
Quote from: windy miller on November 22, 2023, 01:05:27 AMA young girl got married in Chester
    Her mother she kissed her and blessed her
    She said'  Your'e in luck..!
    He's a rattling good fuck..
    I had him myself once..
    in Leicester!
Sorry I had already written it on page 33  my mistake
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 12, 2024, 05:05:41 AM
Quote from: windy miller on November 22, 2023, 12:54:51 AMthere was a young spinster from crewe
 who got screwed by a vicar from Kew
 she said ' The verger is slicker
 he's thicker (and quicker)
  and 3" longer than you!
 
and another  one ...  if you can think of a (single) syllable town I will try and make up
 a rhyme to match.... no guarantee     but could be fun
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on January 12, 2024, 05:43:16 AM
 When my Mrs has a late shift at our local A&E I often create some amusement on a US Social media site based in Mountain view (S. California) with the exception of Racism,antisemitism,
Personal abuse and bad taste The site has very little moderation. Although many contributors
are (predictably) U.S Subscribers the volume of Irrelevant /unanswerable questions offer
 opportunities for a good Wind-up! When I was asked if there are/were any local Bye Laws 
a tourist should be aware of prior to their visit to the UK I explained that there are a number of Minor prohibitions in the south east where the act of ' Looking at someone in a "Funny way"could land you in hot water.  Similarly if you were to visit the fine City of Chester
(in the North West) You may need to watch your 'step' as the lesser known prohibition of
 " walking on the cracks in the Pavement " could land you with a fine.
 In addition it is a well known fact that the UK government has always provided financial
support in favor of London and the South East. Often to the Detriment of the Less prosperous North West where due to lack of financial support many inner city dwellings have no indoor toilet Facilities..As a result your early morning 'walk' could find you being hit by the contents of a family 'slops' bucket thrown from a third floor apartment....( before 10am)
 my advice would be to adopt the (revised) Green cross code..IE Look Right, Look Left. and LOOK UP... (More familiar with the residents of lockerbie) ..or alternatively carry a raised Umbrella...As failure to follow neither option could land you with a sizable Dry cleaning Bill....have a good holiday! you are always welcome in the UK!   
   
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 02, 2024, 02:06:06 AM
   folk often ask me if I consider myself a lucky person?... I always give the 
  same reply..... " if I was one of Triplets born to Dolly Parton....I guarantee
   I would be the one on the bottle.........
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 11, 2024, 02:43:41 AM
  our local Turkish hairdresser has gained the nickname  'Jig Saw'  apparently 
  whenever he has a crisis he goes to pieces............
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on February 11, 2024, 02:51:03 AM
 As Some of us will remember a few years ago a group of Chinese cockle pickers
  came to grief on southport beach when they were overrun  by the incoming tide
  as the group could not speak any English they asked for advice on the max
  height of the water they could work in..  they were told they were to work up to Knee high... unfortunately when the tide came in too fast Mr Ne Hi was still on the pier
  eating his sandwiches.....and the others all drowned.
 
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 16, 2024, 02:32:50 AM
 I heard in an effort to improve their recent poor form Birmingham City football club 
  have signed Two Chinese players....'Wei wun wunce' and  'A wun sin'

 I bought some Albion wallpaper last year.. Lets hope it stays up longer than the team
Title: Re: Avin a larf
Post by: windy miller on March 16, 2024, 02:38:46 AM
 I found an old lamp in an antique shop last year. As I started to polish it a genie appeared
  and offered me  one wish.... I had a choice... either a long dick or a long memory....
   ....I cant remember where I bought it........